I've always been a runner, no, not a runner, a runner, simply defined as someone who likes to ignore, hide, or run from her problems. Typically I run from them by finding another less hurtful problem to focus on. Pathetic, I know. But, in my intuitive mind, gut, and heart I'm betting I'm not the only runner out here in this world.
Problems suck, now, of course third world countries have experienced way bigger problems than I have, or that I can ever not wish to suffer, yet everyone has their own share. Never judge a person by the way they perceive their problems, or how they define them. We all have them.
Of course like I said some worse than others but it's all personal, and no one really wants anyone else's. It's like that saying that I truly am not sure I agree with.. if everyone threw their problems in a pile, they'd want their own back. I don't know, there are some things I can deal with better than others, I may try to sneak mine on someone else for a bit, and steal one of theirs.
I have now decided to change this figurative running into literal running. Yes, follow me here, I am now going to try running, hell I've been doing it in my mind for years, why not put foot to path and clear the mind.. Of course Im a hell of a lot better at the figurative kind. But, I like it, I like the idea that it is something I can do and see improvement (maybe). I like the clarity, the thought, even the physical pain makes me forget why I 'm really running, I like the idea that there is a goal at the end.. something I am trying to reach for, -that would be a 5k... will I run the whole thing, I don't know, maybe walk some, but I will get out there. The thing about running for me is that I started it out of the desire to run away from sadness.. is it helping uhhh, no, maybe.. ask me in a month?? but it is a positive change, a positive way to deal with problems instead of just running from them.. the pain I experience in my shins is now taking over the pain I feel in my heart, too bad shins.. .the heart needs a break..
Friday, April 5, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Answer Me!!
Spiteful words can hurt your feelings... But silence can break your heart....
Oh truer words never written. Silence is deadly.. it is heartbreaking, agonizing, torturous, painful.
And, oh so unfair. Is anybody given the right to ignore another human being?? I don't think so. I think as humans we need to be heard, and when we are heard we need to be answered.
Think of a time you witnessed a young child being ignored, or in some cases ignored a young child. We are all guilty of it. You're on the phone, or watching a show, or anything and your child asks you a question, or wants you to look at their masterpiece. You put your hand up, or a finger as if to say one minute. That one minute never comes. What does the child do? Do they initially go away? Not usually.
I have worked with many children, in my experiences when a child is trying to get the attention of a peer they do a few things; they get louder, they scream, they cry, they throw something, they tell an adult, they kick, cross their arms, after maybe a long time of trying they walk away... however, moments later they come back, this time trying again to get the attention in a different way. Now they are almost pleading.. practically begging for an answer, a minute of attention or just some sort of acknowledgement. They try in every way they know how at their young age. This time instead of being loud, and almost infuriating they are kinder sweeter. They use softer voices, they offer a toy, they draw them a picture, they ask them what is wrong. If they are lucky they get the attention of their "friend", they get some validation.. when they don't it ends in tears, or an adult having to help the situation.. It rarely ever ends on a good note. Will this scar the child? No, probably not, does that make it ok? No, not at all.
We hear awful stories about children being held captive, being locked in a room. Stories of children never being touched, babies never being held, we always hear how harmful this disconnect is. Studies have been done showing how humans are even hurt by strangers ignoring them. We need to feel connected I think, and when that connection is not there it hurts, plain and simple. Some, many will argue, well if they're going to ignore you they aren't worth it, move on, F*** em, there are many others out there who will see your worth and not ignore you. Do they have a point? umm. Yes, I guess they do.
Being ignored by a friend, or someone you have had a relationship with.. sucks! Yep, plain and simple, Sucks!! I guess I have to believe they weren't worth it?? I don't know, in my case, I think he was worth it. I just am not sure why. When you get answers you don't like from someone I guess you should move on.. but what happens when you get all different ones, ones that don't really make sense based on their actions.. Don't actions speak louder than words? And what if you question their words with their actions.. you said this, but did this... then nothing.. not a word... silence, after almost 3 months of talking every day... nothing, silence, dead air, no words. What do you do? Do they think you will just go away?? Maybe. But do you? Not usually... you do what you would do as a child, your inner child begins to guide your actions, and even your thoughts, because even as a grown up being ignored by someone you like SUCKS!!
You become infuriated, thinking over and over, you try harder, you send what I call "loser texts"(that would be almost equivalent to the pleading the child does), you talk to friends, you get mad and mad and mad.... then in addition to your "loser texts" you become soft, like someone you don't even know, you ask please, why, just one more chance... then nothing, no response.. and like when you were a child someone, usually a friend steps in, or no one does, and it well just sits with you until one day it doesn't. Till that day comes it's hard. It can consume you, your thoughts and even your actions. An answer, a voice, some words in response to you is all you want. But, they don't come. I'd rather hear go away, I hate you, I met someone, even crazy bitch would suffice, ughhh, but nothing?? nothing leaves you disconnected, questioning, solemn, sad.... not a good place.
I think I'd die in solitary confinement.. I think being ignored is like living in your own solitary confinement, only worse because you're not alone really, you're just ignored by one person. You have to keep living, and connecting, and functioning when you feel like you really just don't want to. I know some would argue that it's a choice, a choice to feel that way, I disagree. I don't choose to feel empty, and consumed by thoughts of it, it just is for now.
So, don't ignore anyone, answer them, even if it's bad news you must give them, just acknowledge them. Sometimes just a smile to a child or a stupid :) in a text.. something!!!!!!
Here is my unsent letter.....
Dear______________,
Being ignored is not working in your favor it is not going to make me go away any quicker than a response.. it is just going to make me want you more, and if that's your point then answer me!! If not.. well then YOU tell Me to F*** off!
Oh truer words never written. Silence is deadly.. it is heartbreaking, agonizing, torturous, painful.
And, oh so unfair. Is anybody given the right to ignore another human being?? I don't think so. I think as humans we need to be heard, and when we are heard we need to be answered.
Think of a time you witnessed a young child being ignored, or in some cases ignored a young child. We are all guilty of it. You're on the phone, or watching a show, or anything and your child asks you a question, or wants you to look at their masterpiece. You put your hand up, or a finger as if to say one minute. That one minute never comes. What does the child do? Do they initially go away? Not usually.
I have worked with many children, in my experiences when a child is trying to get the attention of a peer they do a few things; they get louder, they scream, they cry, they throw something, they tell an adult, they kick, cross their arms, after maybe a long time of trying they walk away... however, moments later they come back, this time trying again to get the attention in a different way. Now they are almost pleading.. practically begging for an answer, a minute of attention or just some sort of acknowledgement. They try in every way they know how at their young age. This time instead of being loud, and almost infuriating they are kinder sweeter. They use softer voices, they offer a toy, they draw them a picture, they ask them what is wrong. If they are lucky they get the attention of their "friend", they get some validation.. when they don't it ends in tears, or an adult having to help the situation.. It rarely ever ends on a good note. Will this scar the child? No, probably not, does that make it ok? No, not at all.
We hear awful stories about children being held captive, being locked in a room. Stories of children never being touched, babies never being held, we always hear how harmful this disconnect is. Studies have been done showing how humans are even hurt by strangers ignoring them. We need to feel connected I think, and when that connection is not there it hurts, plain and simple. Some, many will argue, well if they're going to ignore you they aren't worth it, move on, F*** em, there are many others out there who will see your worth and not ignore you. Do they have a point? umm. Yes, I guess they do.
Being ignored by a friend, or someone you have had a relationship with.. sucks! Yep, plain and simple, Sucks!! I guess I have to believe they weren't worth it?? I don't know, in my case, I think he was worth it. I just am not sure why. When you get answers you don't like from someone I guess you should move on.. but what happens when you get all different ones, ones that don't really make sense based on their actions.. Don't actions speak louder than words? And what if you question their words with their actions.. you said this, but did this... then nothing.. not a word... silence, after almost 3 months of talking every day... nothing, silence, dead air, no words. What do you do? Do they think you will just go away?? Maybe. But do you? Not usually... you do what you would do as a child, your inner child begins to guide your actions, and even your thoughts, because even as a grown up being ignored by someone you like SUCKS!!
You become infuriated, thinking over and over, you try harder, you send what I call "loser texts"(that would be almost equivalent to the pleading the child does), you talk to friends, you get mad and mad and mad.... then in addition to your "loser texts" you become soft, like someone you don't even know, you ask please, why, just one more chance... then nothing, no response.. and like when you were a child someone, usually a friend steps in, or no one does, and it well just sits with you until one day it doesn't. Till that day comes it's hard. It can consume you, your thoughts and even your actions. An answer, a voice, some words in response to you is all you want. But, they don't come. I'd rather hear go away, I hate you, I met someone, even crazy bitch would suffice, ughhh, but nothing?? nothing leaves you disconnected, questioning, solemn, sad.... not a good place.
I think I'd die in solitary confinement.. I think being ignored is like living in your own solitary confinement, only worse because you're not alone really, you're just ignored by one person. You have to keep living, and connecting, and functioning when you feel like you really just don't want to. I know some would argue that it's a choice, a choice to feel that way, I disagree. I don't choose to feel empty, and consumed by thoughts of it, it just is for now.
So, don't ignore anyone, answer them, even if it's bad news you must give them, just acknowledge them. Sometimes just a smile to a child or a stupid :) in a text.. something!!!!!!
Here is my unsent letter.....
Dear______________,
Being ignored is not working in your favor it is not going to make me go away any quicker than a response.. it is just going to make me want you more, and if that's your point then answer me!! If not.. well then YOU tell Me to F*** off!
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Dear __________,
Ever hear someone say put it in writing, write it all down, but don't mail it.. or nowadays, don't email it, skype it, text it, blah blah.. well I hear it all the time. Kinda makes me wonder what is so wrong with my life that I'm always told to put it in writing..
I used to journal, but I felt nothing from it, no sense of accomplishment, no sense of fullfilment, nothing to be exact. I think that's why I blog. I'm not quite sure who reads this, but I do know someone does. It feels better to put it out into the universe, to know someone is reading these words rather than it sitting in a little notebook in my nightstand, being read by no one but me. Ever have hopes that maybe the right person will read it? You know what I mean the person it is meant for? I do. I often think about ways, or try to conjure up ways to get it to them, you know like that oops text you send, was it really an oops??" Oh sorry, that wasn't for you, but hey how are ya?" Sometimes I think the only real mistakes are the ones you make on tests, or the ones where you step in that hole while jogging and 20 other people see it, I mean no one really wants that to be seen.
I've written many of those letters, the ones you never send. I usually wind up crumpling them up and tossing them in the garbage. Sometimes I'll find one months, even years later, and I can laugh at it, usually I wind up saying "d***" and then tossing it in the garbage.
My latest letter that I'd like to write, is still unwritten. Yes another Dear John, Tom, Matt, Lou whoever letter. It's too new to write. I'm not sure what I'd write. I'm not sure I wouldn't send it, those are the ones you just don't write, that's how I know it's too soon. But then I wonder so what, so what if you ever mailed it. That's my big question.. why can't you? You'll look stupid? Like a fool? You'll let him know he hurt you? So? I mean, shouldn't he know how you feel? Would it do anything, well probably not.. but this isn't an I want you back letter, that's a different blog. This would be a screw you letter, grow up, liar, lead me on, make up your mind kinda letter. Not worth your time? Maybe not, but if you feel that strongly maybe you should mail it, or skype it, or text it..
I'm a big believer in chances, many of them.. I don't really care how stupid I look, I know 9 out of 10 times it will get me nowhere, but what if that 1 time it did. Life is short. People should know how we feel about them, this doesn't mean they are right for you, or you for them, but what is so wrong about letting people know how you feel, whether it is good or bad.
I think those Dear John letters should be sent ( i mean if you're planning on killing them or a family member, or you have a serious illness that may cause you to do things punishable by jail time, DON"T SEND IT, and check yourself into a hospital, now!). I of course have never sent one. I am sending it out to the universe though. Iam hoping that maybe someday he'll google my name and this blog will show up, and he'll click on it..
and just incase he does...
Dear__________,
I miss you. And I saw the last episode.. I knew he'd die.
I used to journal, but I felt nothing from it, no sense of accomplishment, no sense of fullfilment, nothing to be exact. I think that's why I blog. I'm not quite sure who reads this, but I do know someone does. It feels better to put it out into the universe, to know someone is reading these words rather than it sitting in a little notebook in my nightstand, being read by no one but me. Ever have hopes that maybe the right person will read it? You know what I mean the person it is meant for? I do. I often think about ways, or try to conjure up ways to get it to them, you know like that oops text you send, was it really an oops??" Oh sorry, that wasn't for you, but hey how are ya?" Sometimes I think the only real mistakes are the ones you make on tests, or the ones where you step in that hole while jogging and 20 other people see it, I mean no one really wants that to be seen.
I've written many of those letters, the ones you never send. I usually wind up crumpling them up and tossing them in the garbage. Sometimes I'll find one months, even years later, and I can laugh at it, usually I wind up saying "d***" and then tossing it in the garbage.
My latest letter that I'd like to write, is still unwritten. Yes another Dear John, Tom, Matt, Lou whoever letter. It's too new to write. I'm not sure what I'd write. I'm not sure I wouldn't send it, those are the ones you just don't write, that's how I know it's too soon. But then I wonder so what, so what if you ever mailed it. That's my big question.. why can't you? You'll look stupid? Like a fool? You'll let him know he hurt you? So? I mean, shouldn't he know how you feel? Would it do anything, well probably not.. but this isn't an I want you back letter, that's a different blog. This would be a screw you letter, grow up, liar, lead me on, make up your mind kinda letter. Not worth your time? Maybe not, but if you feel that strongly maybe you should mail it, or skype it, or text it..
I'm a big believer in chances, many of them.. I don't really care how stupid I look, I know 9 out of 10 times it will get me nowhere, but what if that 1 time it did. Life is short. People should know how we feel about them, this doesn't mean they are right for you, or you for them, but what is so wrong about letting people know how you feel, whether it is good or bad.
I think those Dear John letters should be sent ( i mean if you're planning on killing them or a family member, or you have a serious illness that may cause you to do things punishable by jail time, DON"T SEND IT, and check yourself into a hospital, now!). I of course have never sent one. I am sending it out to the universe though. Iam hoping that maybe someday he'll google my name and this blog will show up, and he'll click on it..
and just incase he does...
Dear__________,
I miss you. And I saw the last episode.. I knew he'd die.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
intuitively speaking.. this will be about nothing..
How embarassing to be back writing after almost 2 years with the same issues!! OMG!!
Do I dare even continue hitting the keys on this board??!! Or do I just blame the people around me?? I could be mature about the whole thing and say it's me, or the lack there of me.. or I could be the immature me, and say f*** it it's them. Well, in the midst of sadness I'm blaming THEM.
I will say the positive in this is getting me to write again. I love the sound of the keys, and how my fingers feel when I hit them. I love how there is no rough draft, albeit some may feel there should have been... but nope there isn't and like reality TV there will never be. Like life no do overs, no rough drafts just jumping in the pool...
So to all of your surprise since my last write I've met my share of men, some nice, some cute, some toothless, some overweight, I won't judge. I did just get out of a relationship with one.. not too sure yet why.. I guess he could argue that he didn't like me enough, but I'd argue back that that is so not true. Not because I'm vain, and awesome, but because I'm smart, yep, I'm still that smart extremely intuitive girl that left this blog cold almost two years ago.. Actually I'm smarter, still sad, and miserable, Eeyore ish... but smart as shit!!
Intuition, what a crazy thing!! If you can hone in on yours, I highly recommend it!! Highly!!
Ask questions, meditate ( i do not) , find silence everyday, listen, feel others emotions, walk in their shoes even if only metaphorically... it helps. It builds your intuitive skills, then listen to them!! This is where I fall short many times.. why would that surprise me?? I don't listen to anyone, why would I listen to intuition?? But, as your friend I recommend it! It is a little scary to be so intuitive, it's like not wanting to hear shit from your mom, or your best friend but there you can walk away, hang up the phone, ignore the text... not intuition... it STAYS!! It doesn't want to hear your bullshit go away crap... nope, it does not go away. You can't hide in the bathroom, or run 15 miles to get away.. it just is. For some it is very strong, that would be me. A blessing?? A curse??? Im not sure yet. The sucky part is when you know you're right but no one cares.
The fun part will be when my intuitive skills graduate to psychic abilities....watch them listen then!!!
As I sat here for all of 10 minutes typing this, it turned out to be about nothing, like I knew it would.. but it's a start, it's my way back in, my way of pulling my sad shitty self up and starting over...
Do I dare even continue hitting the keys on this board??!! Or do I just blame the people around me?? I could be mature about the whole thing and say it's me, or the lack there of me.. or I could be the immature me, and say f*** it it's them. Well, in the midst of sadness I'm blaming THEM.
I will say the positive in this is getting me to write again. I love the sound of the keys, and how my fingers feel when I hit them. I love how there is no rough draft, albeit some may feel there should have been... but nope there isn't and like reality TV there will never be. Like life no do overs, no rough drafts just jumping in the pool...
So to all of your surprise since my last write I've met my share of men, some nice, some cute, some toothless, some overweight, I won't judge. I did just get out of a relationship with one.. not too sure yet why.. I guess he could argue that he didn't like me enough, but I'd argue back that that is so not true. Not because I'm vain, and awesome, but because I'm smart, yep, I'm still that smart extremely intuitive girl that left this blog cold almost two years ago.. Actually I'm smarter, still sad, and miserable, Eeyore ish... but smart as shit!!
Intuition, what a crazy thing!! If you can hone in on yours, I highly recommend it!! Highly!!
Ask questions, meditate ( i do not) , find silence everyday, listen, feel others emotions, walk in their shoes even if only metaphorically... it helps. It builds your intuitive skills, then listen to them!! This is where I fall short many times.. why would that surprise me?? I don't listen to anyone, why would I listen to intuition?? But, as your friend I recommend it! It is a little scary to be so intuitive, it's like not wanting to hear shit from your mom, or your best friend but there you can walk away, hang up the phone, ignore the text... not intuition... it STAYS!! It doesn't want to hear your bullshit go away crap... nope, it does not go away. You can't hide in the bathroom, or run 15 miles to get away.. it just is. For some it is very strong, that would be me. A blessing?? A curse??? Im not sure yet. The sucky part is when you know you're right but no one cares.
The fun part will be when my intuitive skills graduate to psychic abilities....watch them listen then!!!
As I sat here for all of 10 minutes typing this, it turned out to be about nothing, like I knew it would.. but it's a start, it's my way back in, my way of pulling my sad shitty self up and starting over...
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Remember
Ten years, seems like an eternity, a lifetime, and sometimes like yesterday.
No matter where you were that day, no matter what you were doing 10 years ago Sept 11 you
stopped. And today you still stop, you still remember, not like it was an eternity, but like it
was yesterday.
For me it was what was supposed to be my 13 year olds first day of Preschool. Ironic that on Sept12 2011 it will be mine as a Preschool teacher, how the 10 years have progressed, kept going. Still,you never forget.
From my front step I saw the smoke, the big black billowy clouds, the towers, what was the towers.
From my TV I saw the second plane almost live crash into the second tower, with more smoke in front of my house. I remember the debris falling on my house as if it were snow, but it wasn't. I remember being outside with the neighbors, we all ate outside together that night, like no one wanted to be alone. The silence in the air for days when air traffic was null. The sounds of the fighter Jets flying over our houses, low enough to make you flinch in fear, thankfully lowe enough to see the American Flag on them. All like it was yesterday.
The call from my then sister n law that my brother n law a first responder with the 1st pct was missing. The ring of that phone was the worst sound ever. Hours, and hours passed with no word. The fear in her voice, in my X's was a fear I never want to experience again for me or anyone else. He was one of the luckier ones, his friends not so much.. His police car smashed, thankfully he was not in it. He was one of the luckier ones, that now suffers terribly from the effects of that horrible day.
Cantor Fitzgerald, who lost so many people being on the top floors of that tower. Two friends who lost two sons.. My mother's friend whose son was new to the FDNY.. who went in with the others, but never came out... My girlfriend who lost her Uncle .. My neighbor who was rescued.. A friend whose husband will never be the same from carrying out his fallen friend...The firefighters running in, running up those stairs.. while telling everyone to go down. A friend whose dad was one of those running in.. who spoke to his wife, but whose daughter ( a friend ) missed that call that day.. A funeral, a wake I will never forget. The retired community of NYPD, and The FDNY who went and volunteered at that awful site for days.. my X being one of them. The sadness, and mixed feelings they had to deal with. The people running in fear of the bridges closing, the families, and friends at home waiting waiting for a call.. wondering... the not knowing... The days that followed, the wakes, the funerals, the mourning.. the fear and sadness. Horrible, a horrible day. I could go on about the sadness, about the people who I know who lost, or the people I know that were lost, but I think we all have stories about that day, memories, thoughts, I don't think I have to share all of mine, when we all have so many of our own.
Good did come from that day, we stood together united as a country, and sadly realized that it took that to do it. I for one was reunited with a friend soon after. As we both realized how much mattered, or better, how much didn't. I think differently after that day,as so many others do. Life is short, life can be taken away on a beautiful sunny day .. on a day.. just a plain old Tuesday..
I try to remember that, Life is too short... I do forgive too much, I do give too many chances, I do put my heart into it all... I do.
Life is short, and on that day that year so many people thought that way.. for months after people were more loving, more kind ,more gracious, more forgiving, less judgemental.. I think about that.. I think that may be the part people forgot.. The way they made positive out of it.. I don't think anyone ever forgets what happened, the bad horrific, senseless day.. that day... Sept 11, 2001. As we shouldn't.
But, the harder part is trying to remember how we loved more soon after, how we were more forgiving, how we searched out the people we cared about just to tell them, ... how we held people closer, tighter...
<3
No matter where you were that day, no matter what you were doing 10 years ago Sept 11 you
stopped. And today you still stop, you still remember, not like it was an eternity, but like it
was yesterday.
For me it was what was supposed to be my 13 year olds first day of Preschool. Ironic that on Sept12 2011 it will be mine as a Preschool teacher, how the 10 years have progressed, kept going. Still,you never forget.
From my front step I saw the smoke, the big black billowy clouds, the towers, what was the towers.
From my TV I saw the second plane almost live crash into the second tower, with more smoke in front of my house. I remember the debris falling on my house as if it were snow, but it wasn't. I remember being outside with the neighbors, we all ate outside together that night, like no one wanted to be alone. The silence in the air for days when air traffic was null. The sounds of the fighter Jets flying over our houses, low enough to make you flinch in fear, thankfully lowe enough to see the American Flag on them. All like it was yesterday.
The call from my then sister n law that my brother n law a first responder with the 1st pct was missing. The ring of that phone was the worst sound ever. Hours, and hours passed with no word. The fear in her voice, in my X's was a fear I never want to experience again for me or anyone else. He was one of the luckier ones, his friends not so much.. His police car smashed, thankfully he was not in it. He was one of the luckier ones, that now suffers terribly from the effects of that horrible day.
Cantor Fitzgerald, who lost so many people being on the top floors of that tower. Two friends who lost two sons.. My mother's friend whose son was new to the FDNY.. who went in with the others, but never came out... My girlfriend who lost her Uncle .. My neighbor who was rescued.. A friend whose husband will never be the same from carrying out his fallen friend...The firefighters running in, running up those stairs.. while telling everyone to go down. A friend whose dad was one of those running in.. who spoke to his wife, but whose daughter ( a friend ) missed that call that day.. A funeral, a wake I will never forget. The retired community of NYPD, and The FDNY who went and volunteered at that awful site for days.. my X being one of them. The sadness, and mixed feelings they had to deal with. The people running in fear of the bridges closing, the families, and friends at home waiting waiting for a call.. wondering... the not knowing... The days that followed, the wakes, the funerals, the mourning.. the fear and sadness. Horrible, a horrible day. I could go on about the sadness, about the people who I know who lost, or the people I know that were lost, but I think we all have stories about that day, memories, thoughts, I don't think I have to share all of mine, when we all have so many of our own.
Good did come from that day, we stood together united as a country, and sadly realized that it took that to do it. I for one was reunited with a friend soon after. As we both realized how much mattered, or better, how much didn't. I think differently after that day,as so many others do. Life is short, life can be taken away on a beautiful sunny day .. on a day.. just a plain old Tuesday..
I try to remember that, Life is too short... I do forgive too much, I do give too many chances, I do put my heart into it all... I do.
Life is short, and on that day that year so many people thought that way.. for months after people were more loving, more kind ,more gracious, more forgiving, less judgemental.. I think about that.. I think that may be the part people forgot.. The way they made positive out of it.. I don't think anyone ever forgets what happened, the bad horrific, senseless day.. that day... Sept 11, 2001. As we shouldn't.
But, the harder part is trying to remember how we loved more soon after, how we were more forgiving, how we searched out the people we cared about just to tell them, ... how we held people closer, tighter...
<3
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Bandaids
So, I know I have been quite depressing lately. I also realize I haven't been writing. I guess the two must go hand in hand. That is depression, and blogger's block. I haven't felt funny lately. I haven't felt like writing lately. To be honest I haven't felt much lately. Even my sadness seems to feel hollow.
I've been kind of wishing I was a kid again lately. Not a teen kinda kid, but a kid kinda kid. The kind of kid that just lays on the floor tossing a stuffed animal in the air, catching it, and singing at the same time and totally saisfied, kinda kid. I envy my little guy, my 5 year old. Just simple stuff seems to satisfy him. His worries are few, and the ones he has are easily eased. His nightmares go away in my bed, his scary thoughts away in my arms, and cuts are healed with neon, or transformer bandaids. Simple.
If it were only so easy now. So easy to make the wounds heal.
When you had a cut you would just put some neosporin, a bandaid, and a kiss. All was better.
You could change the bandaid, and see it healing, as you quickly ripped it off. A few days and a scab.
No more bandaid needed. You could watch it heal, watch the scab get better, or fall off, see the scar. See the scar fade. And, with that it was healed.
The heart is so different for me. I can try to put the bandaid on, and the cream, and sometimes I rip it off to see if it's healed. But, you can't see the heart really, you can only feel what's going on with it. If it still hurts you try and put the bandaid back on, and give it some more time. I find it easier to visually watch something heal, then to feel the pain so many times, and hope that everyday it gets better without any setbacks. For me the slightest setbacks set me off, like the scab falling off because you rubbed it when you got out of the shower, and then it needs the time to heal over again.
It's a process, for some a quick one, for me a slower one. Some people just heal quicker than others.
I guess that's why I wish I were a kid again, the pain of the scrapes is so much easier to deal with than the pain of a broken heart. The difference I guess is as a kid you never think that cut is going to heal, feels like forever sometimes.As an adult you know it won't be that long till the bleeding stops, till the scab forms, the bandaid goes, and the scars fade. It's the same as the heart in that way, I know it will heal, I know the hurt will lessen, and then go away, it has before it will again... I guess in that respect I'm glad I'm not a kid anymore.. maybe..
Just wish that transformer bandaid would work as good on the heart as it did on the knee..
I've been kind of wishing I was a kid again lately. Not a teen kinda kid, but a kid kinda kid. The kind of kid that just lays on the floor tossing a stuffed animal in the air, catching it, and singing at the same time and totally saisfied, kinda kid. I envy my little guy, my 5 year old. Just simple stuff seems to satisfy him. His worries are few, and the ones he has are easily eased. His nightmares go away in my bed, his scary thoughts away in my arms, and cuts are healed with neon, or transformer bandaids. Simple.
If it were only so easy now. So easy to make the wounds heal.
When you had a cut you would just put some neosporin, a bandaid, and a kiss. All was better.
You could change the bandaid, and see it healing, as you quickly ripped it off. A few days and a scab.
No more bandaid needed. You could watch it heal, watch the scab get better, or fall off, see the scar. See the scar fade. And, with that it was healed.
The heart is so different for me. I can try to put the bandaid on, and the cream, and sometimes I rip it off to see if it's healed. But, you can't see the heart really, you can only feel what's going on with it. If it still hurts you try and put the bandaid back on, and give it some more time. I find it easier to visually watch something heal, then to feel the pain so many times, and hope that everyday it gets better without any setbacks. For me the slightest setbacks set me off, like the scab falling off because you rubbed it when you got out of the shower, and then it needs the time to heal over again.
It's a process, for some a quick one, for me a slower one. Some people just heal quicker than others.
I guess that's why I wish I were a kid again, the pain of the scrapes is so much easier to deal with than the pain of a broken heart. The difference I guess is as a kid you never think that cut is going to heal, feels like forever sometimes.As an adult you know it won't be that long till the bleeding stops, till the scab forms, the bandaid goes, and the scars fade. It's the same as the heart in that way, I know it will heal, I know the hurt will lessen, and then go away, it has before it will again... I guess in that respect I'm glad I'm not a kid anymore.. maybe..
Just wish that transformer bandaid would work as good on the heart as it did on the knee..
Monday, September 5, 2011
Race against the Clock..
Andd so it begins. School. Work. Crazy. Hectic. Routine. Rushing. Waking up early.
The life I once knew called Summer.. is ending.. now as I type. I can already feel the tension
of the clock pressing on my mind. Like a race that lasts from now until June, with little slow downs, and lots of curves.
The time I had for me is dwindling down to maybe two nights a month. I look forward to it, and I dread it all at the same time. I kinda enjoy the slower pace of Summer, the not having to always worry about the clock. Yet, at the same time I look forward to a little bit of routine. I don't yet look forward to the early darkness.. of the sun going down.. yet I know I will. I do look forward to Autumn, and the leaves changing, but not to the dreaded winter.. ugghh,, no not the winter. The snow, the ice, the being trapped indoors.. no not a fan. But we aren't there yet. So , I will try not to worry about that.
My dating sabbatical will be easier to deal with as I have limited time to partake in these daunting at times activities. I will have limited time to deal with anything! I will try to use my time wisely.
I will try to use my crock pot more, try to yell hurry up less, I will try to remain calm through it all this year. I will try.
Here's hoping for a smooth sailing year .. where we get on all the teams we want, get all the parts in the plays we want, see friends, pass tests, little hw, science fair wins, confirmation, graduations, so much to look forward to, great first years, Holidays,
So I say with much sadness good bye Summer... and hello again Clock..
The life I once knew called Summer.. is ending.. now as I type. I can already feel the tension
of the clock pressing on my mind. Like a race that lasts from now until June, with little slow downs, and lots of curves.
The time I had for me is dwindling down to maybe two nights a month. I look forward to it, and I dread it all at the same time. I kinda enjoy the slower pace of Summer, the not having to always worry about the clock. Yet, at the same time I look forward to a little bit of routine. I don't yet look forward to the early darkness.. of the sun going down.. yet I know I will. I do look forward to Autumn, and the leaves changing, but not to the dreaded winter.. ugghh,, no not the winter. The snow, the ice, the being trapped indoors.. no not a fan. But we aren't there yet. So , I will try not to worry about that.
My dating sabbatical will be easier to deal with as I have limited time to partake in these daunting at times activities. I will have limited time to deal with anything! I will try to use my time wisely.
I will try to use my crock pot more, try to yell hurry up less, I will try to remain calm through it all this year. I will try.
Here's hoping for a smooth sailing year .. where we get on all the teams we want, get all the parts in the plays we want, see friends, pass tests, little hw, science fair wins, confirmation, graduations, so much to look forward to, great first years, Holidays,
So I say with much sadness good bye Summer... and hello again Clock..
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Too Busy
Being busy is usually a very good thing. It keeps the mind healthy, and depending on how you're being busy it could be good for the physical parts too. As people age doctors tell them to keep busy. It will keep you going, keep you alive longer. Sometimes being busy makes the dull days go by quicker. If you're busy with important things well it gets things done. Being busy is good.. except when being busy is bad.
Unfortunately for some people being busy makes them miss out on the important things, that you really don't think are important. Yet, later realize they were. Later can be an hour, a day, days, weeks, months and years. As later gets later (if you know what I mean), it gets sad. You wake up one day realizing how much you may have missed being busy. Playing legos with your kids, first steps, first touchdowns, homeruns... Maybe a friendship that moved away, a flower that you planted, yet were too busy to see, and when you noticed it it was all brown and wilted. See, being busy can make the money, can keep you alive for 100 years( i exaggerate here) but it can be your biggest enemy.
Being busy can leave you lonely.. I was too busy to call, too busy to text, too busy to stop by... just too busy, work, life, kids.. too busy. As a single mom I'm always busy. Always. I try not to miss everything, but of course that is impossible.
I don't want to be too busy to miss out on life. I don't want to miss things that are right there in my face because I was too busy.
Sadly, many people will wake up lonely someday because they were just too busy.
They will miss out on things that they can never get back, they will miss out on relationships they let go to the wayside, they will lose people that sincerely cared about them, they will miss their kids growing up, little things that could be big great things will be missed out on.. people things being the most important why? .. because they were too busy..Then later in life when it is time to be a little less busy, when you realize you were so busy making the money, getting the promotion, and now it's time to enjoy it you'll realize all being busy got you was lonely, no one to share the profits of being busy.
Days go really slow but years fly by.. so be busy but never be too busy...
Unfortunately for some people being busy makes them miss out on the important things, that you really don't think are important. Yet, later realize they were. Later can be an hour, a day, days, weeks, months and years. As later gets later (if you know what I mean), it gets sad. You wake up one day realizing how much you may have missed being busy. Playing legos with your kids, first steps, first touchdowns, homeruns... Maybe a friendship that moved away, a flower that you planted, yet were too busy to see, and when you noticed it it was all brown and wilted. See, being busy can make the money, can keep you alive for 100 years( i exaggerate here) but it can be your biggest enemy.
Being busy can leave you lonely.. I was too busy to call, too busy to text, too busy to stop by... just too busy, work, life, kids.. too busy. As a single mom I'm always busy. Always. I try not to miss everything, but of course that is impossible.
I don't want to be too busy to miss out on life. I don't want to miss things that are right there in my face because I was too busy.
Sadly, many people will wake up lonely someday because they were just too busy.
They will miss out on things that they can never get back, they will miss out on relationships they let go to the wayside, they will lose people that sincerely cared about them, they will miss their kids growing up, little things that could be big great things will be missed out on.. people things being the most important why? .. because they were too busy..Then later in life when it is time to be a little less busy, when you realize you were so busy making the money, getting the promotion, and now it's time to enjoy it you'll realize all being busy got you was lonely, no one to share the profits of being busy.
Days go really slow but years fly by.. so be busy but never be too busy...
Saturday, August 27, 2011
I'm happy you exist..
Sometimes I find it very hard to smile, even harder to laugh. If I find something that makes me feel good or smile, genuinely smile.. I stick with it.
I found this awesome blog.. Operation Nice.. I know, I get all sappy and emotional at times, but this really made me feel good. I'm really trying to find ways to make myself feel better, encourage my boys to be nicer people to each other and everyone around.
SO, I'm going to try something new, inbetween all of the cutting of patterns I have to get done for work. I am going to get involved a little bit in Operation Nice. Here's how..
I am going to start leaving little notes of kindness all over, public bathrooms, supermarkets maybe near the cereal, parks, benches, cars, wherever I go at least one note. I am also going to try and involve my boys in this.. maybe I'll get lucky and at least get one out of three involved.
I think it would be nice to find a note somewhere that said.. I 'm happy you exist.. or you're beautiful.. I think there are a lot of people going through a lot of stuff just looking for an extra smile..
I'll let you know how it goes .. till then... SMILE
I found this awesome blog.. Operation Nice.. I know, I get all sappy and emotional at times, but this really made me feel good. I'm really trying to find ways to make myself feel better, encourage my boys to be nicer people to each other and everyone around.
SO, I'm going to try something new, inbetween all of the cutting of patterns I have to get done for work. I am going to get involved a little bit in Operation Nice. Here's how..
I am going to start leaving little notes of kindness all over, public bathrooms, supermarkets maybe near the cereal, parks, benches, cars, wherever I go at least one note. I am also going to try and involve my boys in this.. maybe I'll get lucky and at least get one out of three involved.
I think it would be nice to find a note somewhere that said.. I 'm happy you exist.. or you're beautiful.. I think there are a lot of people going through a lot of stuff just looking for an extra smile..
I'll let you know how it goes .. till then... SMILE
Irene
So, as of late I have not been my usual witty, sarcastic, albeit nasty self. Unless you ask the neighbor, she thinks I'm always nasty regardless of my real mood, oh well , can't make everyone happy.
Anyway, I am starting to feel better, starting to move on.. things are a changing, back to school, back to work, back to my crazy busy routine.. and secretly I can't wait, although by October I probably will have had enough.
Anyway, bracing ourselves for a hurricane.. Irene... I must admit I am not in the least bit concerned. Granted I don't live on the path directly, but some of my neighbors, not just THE neighbor are going crazy. I am concerned and worried about some friends and family who have been evacuated (some are actually evacuated here), or who are on the path of Irene. Some of my old neighborhood could face some problems in the next day or so, I hope it's slight.
If I have to find the positive in this, which is my new "way of living", finding the positive in everything no matter how slight. I would say that people, are way more important than things. This is a common thread lately. I struggle everyday making ends meet financially. I worry about it of course, but I take it day by day. But in the end people matter so much more. How we treat them, how they treat us. I know I blogged about people being replaceable, and still I believe to an extent they are. BUT, family, close friends, friends of friends, etc. no, not replaceable, the relationships the feelings our loved ones are not replaceable. Irene is not threatening me, I'm not worried about my house, or the things I so neatly removed from my deck, and my patio. I am worried about the people and how it will affect them, their feelings. I guess I just care, maybe too much. I m hoping you all realize this is just a blip on the radar, keep your family and friends close, it will be fine.
Two of my friend's daughters were in a car accident just the other day. One is fine, thank goodness, her car is totaled. But does it matter? no. She is fine, cars don't matter, the people driving them do. My other friend well her daughter is not doing so well.. I pray she will be OK, has anyone thought twice about that car, no, not at all. The car doesn't matter. Things sometimes turn out badly, but it's the people that matter, you can get through the financial part, the losing the license, the embarassment, the humility.. as long as the people are ok. The important things, people.
So come on Irene, bring it.. My life has been through a lot of hurricanes, a lot of ripping things down, broken hearts, broken bones, sad kids, financial loss, change, moves, deaths.. and I'm still here..
Thank you Irene.. for allowing people to worry a little about people today, maybe making them stop and think about what is really important. To those who still can't see that the biggest losses, material losses, can be replaced, can be weathered, I feel bad for you. For those who still can't open their hearts and their minds I pray you will someday know what it is like to truly truly care and worry about someone, and to appreciate the people that do care, and worry about you. Let Irene help you get there. You'll be a better person for it.
Anyway, I am starting to feel better, starting to move on.. things are a changing, back to school, back to work, back to my crazy busy routine.. and secretly I can't wait, although by October I probably will have had enough.
Anyway, bracing ourselves for a hurricane.. Irene... I must admit I am not in the least bit concerned. Granted I don't live on the path directly, but some of my neighbors, not just THE neighbor are going crazy. I am concerned and worried about some friends and family who have been evacuated (some are actually evacuated here), or who are on the path of Irene. Some of my old neighborhood could face some problems in the next day or so, I hope it's slight.
If I have to find the positive in this, which is my new "way of living", finding the positive in everything no matter how slight. I would say that people, are way more important than things. This is a common thread lately. I struggle everyday making ends meet financially. I worry about it of course, but I take it day by day. But in the end people matter so much more. How we treat them, how they treat us. I know I blogged about people being replaceable, and still I believe to an extent they are. BUT, family, close friends, friends of friends, etc. no, not replaceable, the relationships the feelings our loved ones are not replaceable. Irene is not threatening me, I'm not worried about my house, or the things I so neatly removed from my deck, and my patio. I am worried about the people and how it will affect them, their feelings. I guess I just care, maybe too much. I m hoping you all realize this is just a blip on the radar, keep your family and friends close, it will be fine.
Two of my friend's daughters were in a car accident just the other day. One is fine, thank goodness, her car is totaled. But does it matter? no. She is fine, cars don't matter, the people driving them do. My other friend well her daughter is not doing so well.. I pray she will be OK, has anyone thought twice about that car, no, not at all. The car doesn't matter. Things sometimes turn out badly, but it's the people that matter, you can get through the financial part, the losing the license, the embarassment, the humility.. as long as the people are ok. The important things, people.
So come on Irene, bring it.. My life has been through a lot of hurricanes, a lot of ripping things down, broken hearts, broken bones, sad kids, financial loss, change, moves, deaths.. and I'm still here..
Thank you Irene.. for allowing people to worry a little about people today, maybe making them stop and think about what is really important. To those who still can't see that the biggest losses, material losses, can be replaced, can be weathered, I feel bad for you. For those who still can't open their hearts and their minds I pray you will someday know what it is like to truly truly care and worry about someone, and to appreciate the people that do care, and worry about you. Let Irene help you get there. You'll be a better person for it.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Going on Sabbatical
So I decided to make a conscious effort to be happy, and not sad. Yeah ok, this is going to work. I know wrong attitude. I feel that I have tried all the things you're supposed to try, and nothing seems to go my way. Everyone says, oh it will you'll see give it time, or be patient, or my favorite line of crap when you're not looking,or when you least expect it. HAHA, those are the best. Who came up with those?? I mean really.
The only line of crap I believe is that Laughter is The Best Medicine. It definitely is, the issue is wanting to laugh, or being able to laugh. This is something I have a hard time with. Except for the other night. OMG I seriously laughed more in the two hours at my kids baseball game then I think I have in months. I mean, laugh so hard you're going to cry laugh... it seriously felt soo good, and I was good for awhile that night. I find it easier to laugh with people who only know the parts of me that I want them to know. Don't get me wrong they knew I was a miserable person, but so are they, and the most interesting part is everyone still wants to talk to me, or be around me. I don't know why I wish I didn't have to be around me at times.
I was telling another friend how I am considering meds again, but really don't want to. My depression is different this time, not like the anxiety that came out of nowhere when I was 30. She nailed it for me, Life's Circumstances. Yes, my sadness or my misery as I refer to it didn't come from nowhere, it came from my current life's circumstances. I think I'm entitled to this. I've had it hard, again not as hard as others, and definitely easier than some. But again, my smart friend said, no, it's all relative. I don't know if she was just trying to make me feel better or if she meant it. My heart tells me she meant it, and at the same time it made me feel better for a bit. I am not suicidal by any means, I do not lie in bed crying all day, and I do not ignore my kids. I guess you could say Im a functioning misery, you know like a functioning alcoholic (which may I add, I am NOT). But I will admit I am sad.
So I've been working on figuring out a way to make this better. I sadly, and embarassingly have narrowed it down to men. They SUCK!! I for the first time in my life do not want to date any new ones. There is one particular one that I'd like to but he doesn't have the time. Now, believe me I know I deserve better, I know Im worth it. But, it's still hard, and it still hurts.
I have been doing this online dating crap for awhile now. I don't recommend it, nor do I deter it. Hmmm.. I think it's funny, and sad all at the same time. Oh, and creepy don't forget creepy. Why do 63 year old men that still live at home think they can wink at me??? See, I told you I know I deserve better. But really why??? Why post pics of all your dogs, or your trucks?? Do I give a shit what your dog looks like in the ocean or at the park?? mmmm.. nope. Do I care that you have 6 trucks that are all the same color?? Yeah I do because it tells me not to date you.
Ugghh. but the weeding out has become so tiresome. I'm obviously not as good at it as I thought. Now don't get me wrong I've met some nice guys, even dated them for months. But, always, always the ones that I really like, (and there have really been only 2).. like me in the beginning become busy, or life gets in the way.. It is depressing. It's like being 17 in a 41 year old body. You know when you're 17 you can hideaway, or burn pictures, go out and hang out with your 21 girlfriends who all hate men. BUT when you're 41 oh, well , it's different. You don't have 21 girlfriends that hate men, well maybe you do but they're married and won't always admit it. You can try staying in bed but then when you wake up you have to clean up the shitload of milk that was spilled while they were making their own breakfast, you can cry in the shower, but make sure you can chin up really quick when they come in and want a conversation, you can burn pictures, sure you can, just be prepared to answer 100 questions, and make sure you hide the damn lighter so the boys don't decide they want to burn pictures of you when theyre mad.
So, being sad and depressed over guys at 41 is hard. You have to keep it all in for the show, then lose it at night I guess, I don't know, haven't quite figured it out. That's part of why Im going on a man sabbatical.
Also, if it comes when you're not looking is true, where the Hell is it coming from??? really?? the supermarket, the bathroom, your house, gas station, I mean where??? I don't know. And then when you think you found it because 'all the signs ' were there, and really they were, but the signs fall down, or he doesn't see them then what?? yeah, another reason for my man sabbatical. I mean I've always believed we are responsible for our own destiny.. well shit I'm screwed in this dept.
How about having someone set you up?? I have heard this one too.. WHO??? who is setting me up?? Are they setting me up with their married guy friend who wants to ask his wife for a divorce?? How many married friends know single emotionally available men that are willing to take a chance?? NONE. Another reason for my man sabbatical.
Oh, give it time maybe he'll come around.. OK, how much time?? Seriously, how much?? One guy I met that was one of my 2 that I really liked, texted me SIX months later.. 6!! OK, now I really, really liked this guy, he disappeared after 4 months, then I tried again a monh and a half later. He never responded, now he responds??? Believe me if I weren't on such a man hating hiatus, I'd have responded, good to know I have a breaking point as well. Besides how do men come around? They don't, once they're gone, they're gone.. like good and gone. Like I packed my bags, took my beer gone.
I wish I knew how to be gone sometimes, and then there are the ones that are going through their own Life's Circumstances, and have no room for me anymore. Unfortunately I hang on for those a little too long some people think. I'm not much worried about what other people think. I guess I'll hang on to "my little bit of hope" that I have left. I guess I'll try to enjoy the dating sabbatical.. try to as someone once said "buck up little camper" ( i hate that btw)...maybe when I'm not looking not caring he'll just show up... not sure I believe in this .. but hey what's one more silly hope..
The only line of crap I believe is that Laughter is The Best Medicine. It definitely is, the issue is wanting to laugh, or being able to laugh. This is something I have a hard time with. Except for the other night. OMG I seriously laughed more in the two hours at my kids baseball game then I think I have in months. I mean, laugh so hard you're going to cry laugh... it seriously felt soo good, and I was good for awhile that night. I find it easier to laugh with people who only know the parts of me that I want them to know. Don't get me wrong they knew I was a miserable person, but so are they, and the most interesting part is everyone still wants to talk to me, or be around me. I don't know why I wish I didn't have to be around me at times.
I was telling another friend how I am considering meds again, but really don't want to. My depression is different this time, not like the anxiety that came out of nowhere when I was 30. She nailed it for me, Life's Circumstances. Yes, my sadness or my misery as I refer to it didn't come from nowhere, it came from my current life's circumstances. I think I'm entitled to this. I've had it hard, again not as hard as others, and definitely easier than some. But again, my smart friend said, no, it's all relative. I don't know if she was just trying to make me feel better or if she meant it. My heart tells me she meant it, and at the same time it made me feel better for a bit. I am not suicidal by any means, I do not lie in bed crying all day, and I do not ignore my kids. I guess you could say Im a functioning misery, you know like a functioning alcoholic (which may I add, I am NOT). But I will admit I am sad.
So I've been working on figuring out a way to make this better. I sadly, and embarassingly have narrowed it down to men. They SUCK!! I for the first time in my life do not want to date any new ones. There is one particular one that I'd like to but he doesn't have the time. Now, believe me I know I deserve better, I know Im worth it. But, it's still hard, and it still hurts.
I have been doing this online dating crap for awhile now. I don't recommend it, nor do I deter it. Hmmm.. I think it's funny, and sad all at the same time. Oh, and creepy don't forget creepy. Why do 63 year old men that still live at home think they can wink at me??? See, I told you I know I deserve better. But really why??? Why post pics of all your dogs, or your trucks?? Do I give a shit what your dog looks like in the ocean or at the park?? mmmm.. nope. Do I care that you have 6 trucks that are all the same color?? Yeah I do because it tells me not to date you.
Ugghh. but the weeding out has become so tiresome. I'm obviously not as good at it as I thought. Now don't get me wrong I've met some nice guys, even dated them for months. But, always, always the ones that I really like, (and there have really been only 2).. like me in the beginning become busy, or life gets in the way.. It is depressing. It's like being 17 in a 41 year old body. You know when you're 17 you can hideaway, or burn pictures, go out and hang out with your 21 girlfriends who all hate men. BUT when you're 41 oh, well , it's different. You don't have 21 girlfriends that hate men, well maybe you do but they're married and won't always admit it. You can try staying in bed but then when you wake up you have to clean up the shitload of milk that was spilled while they were making their own breakfast, you can cry in the shower, but make sure you can chin up really quick when they come in and want a conversation, you can burn pictures, sure you can, just be prepared to answer 100 questions, and make sure you hide the damn lighter so the boys don't decide they want to burn pictures of you when theyre mad.
So, being sad and depressed over guys at 41 is hard. You have to keep it all in for the show, then lose it at night I guess, I don't know, haven't quite figured it out. That's part of why Im going on a man sabbatical.
Also, if it comes when you're not looking is true, where the Hell is it coming from??? really?? the supermarket, the bathroom, your house, gas station, I mean where??? I don't know. And then when you think you found it because 'all the signs ' were there, and really they were, but the signs fall down, or he doesn't see them then what?? yeah, another reason for my man sabbatical. I mean I've always believed we are responsible for our own destiny.. well shit I'm screwed in this dept.
How about having someone set you up?? I have heard this one too.. WHO??? who is setting me up?? Are they setting me up with their married guy friend who wants to ask his wife for a divorce?? How many married friends know single emotionally available men that are willing to take a chance?? NONE. Another reason for my man sabbatical.
Oh, give it time maybe he'll come around.. OK, how much time?? Seriously, how much?? One guy I met that was one of my 2 that I really liked, texted me SIX months later.. 6!! OK, now I really, really liked this guy, he disappeared after 4 months, then I tried again a monh and a half later. He never responded, now he responds??? Believe me if I weren't on such a man hating hiatus, I'd have responded, good to know I have a breaking point as well. Besides how do men come around? They don't, once they're gone, they're gone.. like good and gone. Like I packed my bags, took my beer gone.
I wish I knew how to be gone sometimes, and then there are the ones that are going through their own Life's Circumstances, and have no room for me anymore. Unfortunately I hang on for those a little too long some people think. I'm not much worried about what other people think. I guess I'll hang on to "my little bit of hope" that I have left. I guess I'll try to enjoy the dating sabbatical.. try to as someone once said "buck up little camper" ( i hate that btw)...maybe when I'm not looking not caring he'll just show up... not sure I believe in this .. but hey what's one more silly hope..
I am Not a Razor
I have been lucky and unlucky in dating. Lately it seems like the latter is picking up speed. One thing I can say is that it is a learning experience. Only, some of the things I am learning are a bit disheartening.
I guess I've been a bit naive, thinking that all people genuinely care about others. Wow, was I wrong.
I always liked to believe that things not people are disposable. I have learned otherwise. People are disposable.
I know in the work place people are always told don't slack, you're replaceable. I guess this is true, there are millions of people in the world, someone can always take over, or fill in. Internet dating has made people disposable as well. You can keep someone on the back burner, or the grass is always greener saying hold true here. Always someone else looking for a date. How about there are plenty of fish in the sea.. just move on.. all of these things make people disposable, replaceable, even recycleable. You know cast them aside for the time being, bring them back when you need them.
We live in such a disposable society, always something better coming out, you buy an Ipad, 3 months later you want the I pad 2. Nintendo DS, Nintendo DS lite, Nintendo with a camera, Nintendo DS in 3D. Manufacturers of products like this make us a crazy society, always needing the next best thing.. really gives new meaning to keeping up with the Jones'.
So why should I be surprised when this spills over into people throwing away people. I guess what is more surprising, is not that people are disposable, but more that relationships are. Which at the same time means feelings are. And this is where I don't fit in. I cannot just turn feelings on and off. I don't think I understand people that can. However, it is a common thread among guys. They can just move on. I mean I am sure there are many women that can do this too, but I don't date women.
Relationships should not be disposable, I guess if you're one of those turn my feelings on and off kinda people it's easy. Not so for me. Relationships take work, if you already invested the time, the feelings, or have involved another human you need to take care.
I am guilty of trusting completely, of going all in, how else will you ever know? Unfortunately taking this road leaves many opportunities to get hurt. I seem to be finding them all.
I have decided to take a dating sabbatical, for the first time I'm tired of being disposable, of being broken, sad, and all the rest. Someone once told me you can choose to be the victim or the student. I don't really think I chose to be the victim.. I just have feelings, and although I don't wallow in bed all day like I'd like to some days, I still don't want to be the victim. I know I deserve the best and that I'm a great catch so to speak. That does not mean I cannot be sad.. or hopeful.. or hopeless.. or any of those things. Being the student comes much easier to others, especially those who can turn their feelings on and off. I like having feelings for others, I like the idea of caring, of taking care of someone, of someone taking care of me or my feelings. I just wish that there were more guys like that around, well at least that the ones that I fall for were a little more like me. Just a little..
Anyway, people and relationships are not razors.. we're more like flat screen TV's with mercury. You know we need to be taken care of when "disposing " of. Not just tossed aside in the garbage can because it's so easy to buy new razor. For a TV you think longer, harder, what should I do, they aren't so cheap, so easy to get. Then when you decide to buy the new one you have to find a certain recycleable center, have someone help you get the big TV there, and dispose of it gently, the right way, so that getting hurt is minimized..
I guess I've been a bit naive, thinking that all people genuinely care about others. Wow, was I wrong.
I always liked to believe that things not people are disposable. I have learned otherwise. People are disposable.
I know in the work place people are always told don't slack, you're replaceable. I guess this is true, there are millions of people in the world, someone can always take over, or fill in. Internet dating has made people disposable as well. You can keep someone on the back burner, or the grass is always greener saying hold true here. Always someone else looking for a date. How about there are plenty of fish in the sea.. just move on.. all of these things make people disposable, replaceable, even recycleable. You know cast them aside for the time being, bring them back when you need them.
We live in such a disposable society, always something better coming out, you buy an Ipad, 3 months later you want the I pad 2. Nintendo DS, Nintendo DS lite, Nintendo with a camera, Nintendo DS in 3D. Manufacturers of products like this make us a crazy society, always needing the next best thing.. really gives new meaning to keeping up with the Jones'.
So why should I be surprised when this spills over into people throwing away people. I guess what is more surprising, is not that people are disposable, but more that relationships are. Which at the same time means feelings are. And this is where I don't fit in. I cannot just turn feelings on and off. I don't think I understand people that can. However, it is a common thread among guys. They can just move on. I mean I am sure there are many women that can do this too, but I don't date women.
Relationships should not be disposable, I guess if you're one of those turn my feelings on and off kinda people it's easy. Not so for me. Relationships take work, if you already invested the time, the feelings, or have involved another human you need to take care.
I am guilty of trusting completely, of going all in, how else will you ever know? Unfortunately taking this road leaves many opportunities to get hurt. I seem to be finding them all.
I have decided to take a dating sabbatical, for the first time I'm tired of being disposable, of being broken, sad, and all the rest. Someone once told me you can choose to be the victim or the student. I don't really think I chose to be the victim.. I just have feelings, and although I don't wallow in bed all day like I'd like to some days, I still don't want to be the victim. I know I deserve the best and that I'm a great catch so to speak. That does not mean I cannot be sad.. or hopeful.. or hopeless.. or any of those things. Being the student comes much easier to others, especially those who can turn their feelings on and off. I like having feelings for others, I like the idea of caring, of taking care of someone, of someone taking care of me or my feelings. I just wish that there were more guys like that around, well at least that the ones that I fall for were a little more like me. Just a little..
Anyway, people and relationships are not razors.. we're more like flat screen TV's with mercury. You know we need to be taken care of when "disposing " of. Not just tossed aside in the garbage can because it's so easy to buy new razor. For a TV you think longer, harder, what should I do, they aren't so cheap, so easy to get. Then when you decide to buy the new one you have to find a certain recycleable center, have someone help you get the big TV there, and dispose of it gently, the right way, so that getting hurt is minimized..
Monday, August 22, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Dear Em,
My baby is leaving for college. OK, well not exactly, but sort of.
As you know I don't actually have any children leaving for college yet, I kind of wish I did somedays, but truth be told if I did I'd probably be sad too. But in some ways my baby is leaving, my best friend's baby.
I have known Em since she was about a year and a half. I will admit we have had our disputes, just like any other mother daughter, well sort of. We did actually get into a fight with a phone once. Maybe she was two, but she started it, and she hit me with it first. She also got "in the way" of her mom and I going out to get drunk on many a weekend, many many years ago. The nerve. She needed her mom there to go to sleep, grandma was never enough. She also needed to hold her mom's hand in the car, what an annoyance that was! Em was a little bitchy, a little spoiled, but very cute. I think she's still the same, I guess not much changes.
So, in some ways my baby is leaving for college. She will no longer be living with her mom, something I know is a struggle probably for both. But, I guess it's time for her to move on, for her to take everything her mom (and I haha) have taught her and apply it by herself. My gut tells me she will do beautifully.
SO, I know you all don't need to read this, so you may X out at anytime.
Dear Em,
I am so so proud of you. I never had the chance to have a daughter, and sometimes I think that was a good thing. But I know if I had been able to place an order for one, I'd want her to be just like you. I know you probably think Im the mean mom.. lol, and I am, I wouldn't let you sleep at certain places, or drink with me, or get all tatooed up. Nope I probably wouldn't have. But I'm not your mom. However, I love you like I am your mom. I have watched you grow up even if thru your mom's eyes. You have done such a wonderful job of growing up.. and I mean that with all my heart. You have turned into such a wonderful "grown up". I know that whatever you face on your own in college you will face head on, and make great decisions. I know this because I know how you were raised, and because you are smart, and strong in what you believe.
I hope you have a wonderful, (well not all that wonderful) college experience. I hope you know that whenever you need someone that I am always here for you (and i wont be on the phone :( ). You will always have a bed, couch, or floor here. I love you very much, and again, I am just so proud of you. I know you will be missed at home (who will load the dishwasher?) dearly. I know you will miss them too. Just know that you are so loved, and again I am so proud of you.
I love you bitch.. <3
So, yes in many ways my baby is leaving for college.. but I know she'll do great.
As you know I don't actually have any children leaving for college yet, I kind of wish I did somedays, but truth be told if I did I'd probably be sad too. But in some ways my baby is leaving, my best friend's baby.
I have known Em since she was about a year and a half. I will admit we have had our disputes, just like any other mother daughter, well sort of. We did actually get into a fight with a phone once. Maybe she was two, but she started it, and she hit me with it first. She also got "in the way" of her mom and I going out to get drunk on many a weekend, many many years ago. The nerve. She needed her mom there to go to sleep, grandma was never enough. She also needed to hold her mom's hand in the car, what an annoyance that was! Em was a little bitchy, a little spoiled, but very cute. I think she's still the same, I guess not much changes.
So, in some ways my baby is leaving for college. She will no longer be living with her mom, something I know is a struggle probably for both. But, I guess it's time for her to move on, for her to take everything her mom (and I haha) have taught her and apply it by herself. My gut tells me she will do beautifully.
SO, I know you all don't need to read this, so you may X out at anytime.
Dear Em,
I am so so proud of you. I never had the chance to have a daughter, and sometimes I think that was a good thing. But I know if I had been able to place an order for one, I'd want her to be just like you. I know you probably think Im the mean mom.. lol, and I am, I wouldn't let you sleep at certain places, or drink with me, or get all tatooed up. Nope I probably wouldn't have. But I'm not your mom. However, I love you like I am your mom. I have watched you grow up even if thru your mom's eyes. You have done such a wonderful job of growing up.. and I mean that with all my heart. You have turned into such a wonderful "grown up". I know that whatever you face on your own in college you will face head on, and make great decisions. I know this because I know how you were raised, and because you are smart, and strong in what you believe.
I hope you have a wonderful, (well not all that wonderful) college experience. I hope you know that whenever you need someone that I am always here for you (and i wont be on the phone :( ). You will always have a bed, couch, or floor here. I love you very much, and again, I am just so proud of you. I know you will be missed at home (who will load the dishwasher?) dearly. I know you will miss them too. Just know that you are so loved, and again I am so proud of you.
I love you bitch.. <3
So, yes in many ways my baby is leaving for college.. but I know she'll do great.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Communicate..
All my life I have been surrounded by boys, men, males, dudes,guys. All my life. I am the oldest of three, that is I am the only girl of three. I have two younger brothers. I have 3 sons. I have a father (sort of). I have an X. I had a husband. I have had mostly male bosses, even my favorite boss although a woman, was gay. I have babysat, they were even boys. I tutored BOYS. I date, sometimes men, sometimes boys. Anyway, my point is merely that I am surrounded by males of some sort.
You would think I'd have a better understanding of them, nope, I don't.
My 5 and now three quarter (he has made it quite clear that the three quarters is an extremely important part, dont forget the three quarters!!)year old is probably one of the funniest boys I know. He has this unending stream of energy. Most of it comes out of his mouth. He does not stop talking.. no, not ever!!! This must be a gene that runs rampid in my house of boys. My 13 year old , after the hour of 9pm he does NOT shutup!! It amazes me. My 10 year old only speaks when he's in a good mood, I've yet to figure out how to keep him in a good mood, sometimes I'm glad, as he will be the one to be quiet. But when he starts, OMG, well let's just say it's hard to keep up,because everything is a joke. One thing they all do is sing, they sing all day, about anything. Sometimes it's a song, I mean a real one. Sometimes it's about farts, macaroni, me, them, rainbows and unicorns, I don't know, I just know they sing. They sing in the shower, in the bathroom, in the car, in their beds, in the pool, in the movie theatre, let's just say they sing everywhere!!
I guess my question is when is it that they stop talking? When do the walls actually go up? When do their communication skills go to shit? When do they stop expressing their feelings? This is important to me for a few reasons. One, I am raising three of them,and I do not want to add to the list of shitty ones out there. Two, on occassion I date them. Three, I am involved with my X, and he is involved with my, i mean, our guys as well.
Communication could've been the fall of my marriage. Lack there of.
I think I figured that out for sure, when my X was shocked by my want of a divorce. So his question of "What, you want a divorce?, Really? We haven't fought in so long?" was surprising. My answer, was merely "We haven't fought, because we haven't talked, not uttered a word to each other, nada, nothing...."
Ok, there were other reasons, but my point here is communication.
I'm almost sure that when he was my, our boys' age he talked, unending blabber.. when did it stop?
My boys tell me everything... and with feeling. They communicate they tell me how they feel. I know someday it will end. I have seen evidence of this. It makes me sad, I want them to be able to tell a girl (not yet!) how they feel. I want them to keep the lines of communication open. Women, girls, like this.
Today if my little guy likes me he says, "mommy you know what, I like you",.,,, my older guy always says "mom, I love you", middle guy always says but only at bedtime.. "i love you mom, i do." Of course they're very free with the I hate yous, you stink, go away, i want to move out, as well. But, they are communicating, showing their feelings.
Men need to take cues from boys when it comes to showing their feelings. Why can't they just say I like you? Why can't it just be a straight forward thing?? Or, I don't like you. Something, anything. It would, in my opinion make dating, relationships, even marriages a little better.
I am not by any means saying women are necessarily good at communicating, or talking about their feelings, believe me, I have my moments. I guess we all need to be better communicators, I guess my rant is basically about male communication for now.
You would think I'd have a better understanding of them, nope, I don't.
My 5 and now three quarter (he has made it quite clear that the three quarters is an extremely important part, dont forget the three quarters!!)year old is probably one of the funniest boys I know. He has this unending stream of energy. Most of it comes out of his mouth. He does not stop talking.. no, not ever!!! This must be a gene that runs rampid in my house of boys. My 13 year old , after the hour of 9pm he does NOT shutup!! It amazes me. My 10 year old only speaks when he's in a good mood, I've yet to figure out how to keep him in a good mood, sometimes I'm glad, as he will be the one to be quiet. But when he starts, OMG, well let's just say it's hard to keep up,because everything is a joke. One thing they all do is sing, they sing all day, about anything. Sometimes it's a song, I mean a real one. Sometimes it's about farts, macaroni, me, them, rainbows and unicorns, I don't know, I just know they sing. They sing in the shower, in the bathroom, in the car, in their beds, in the pool, in the movie theatre, let's just say they sing everywhere!!
I guess my question is when is it that they stop talking? When do the walls actually go up? When do their communication skills go to shit? When do they stop expressing their feelings? This is important to me for a few reasons. One, I am raising three of them,and I do not want to add to the list of shitty ones out there. Two, on occassion I date them. Three, I am involved with my X, and he is involved with my, i mean, our guys as well.
Communication could've been the fall of my marriage. Lack there of.
I think I figured that out for sure, when my X was shocked by my want of a divorce. So his question of "What, you want a divorce?, Really? We haven't fought in so long?" was surprising. My answer, was merely "We haven't fought, because we haven't talked, not uttered a word to each other, nada, nothing...."
Ok, there were other reasons, but my point here is communication.
I'm almost sure that when he was my, our boys' age he talked, unending blabber.. when did it stop?
My boys tell me everything... and with feeling. They communicate they tell me how they feel. I know someday it will end. I have seen evidence of this. It makes me sad, I want them to be able to tell a girl (not yet!) how they feel. I want them to keep the lines of communication open. Women, girls, like this.
Today if my little guy likes me he says, "mommy you know what, I like you",.,,, my older guy always says "mom, I love you", middle guy always says but only at bedtime.. "i love you mom, i do." Of course they're very free with the I hate yous, you stink, go away, i want to move out, as well. But, they are communicating, showing their feelings.
Men need to take cues from boys when it comes to showing their feelings. Why can't they just say I like you? Why can't it just be a straight forward thing?? Or, I don't like you. Something, anything. It would, in my opinion make dating, relationships, even marriages a little better.
I am not by any means saying women are necessarily good at communicating, or talking about their feelings, believe me, I have my moments. I guess we all need to be better communicators, I guess my rant is basically about male communication for now.
Good in Everything..
Lately, I have been trying to find the silver lining in a cloud. Mother nature must have heard me, because she is certainly giving me enough material to work with. I am still bothered by this insomnia. As I am learning I am definitely in a slump, a funk, down, blue, sad lately. I am trying to work on this. While looking for that lining I decided to see what wonderful (insert eye roll) things could come from this Insomnia. So here's what I've learned:
*They actually sell the perfect meatloaf pan. Really? It looks like a cake pan, a loaf pan actually, I wonder if they think they are the first ones to invent this. My neighbor has had a "meatloaf pan" probably since my birth. I knew she should've marketed that.
*I learned how to french braid my bangs. I'm still a little rusty but doing it for a few nights and hours at a time, I think Ill be able to braid the guinea pig's hair soon too.
*I'm pretty good at search a word puzzles.. moving on to the big scary crossword ones soon.
*Facebook has some odd characters on at 2am.. if you are one of them, I apologize.
*All 3 of my boys talk in their sleep. Of course not necessarily at the same time but at points it does sound like a cackling bunch of girls.
*They make a Christmas Tree Chia Pet.. it even has a star on top of it.
*As of last night there are approximately 131 days till Christmas, better hurry up and get that Chia Pet
*Randy Pausch's book The Last Lecture is still inspiring after the 5th read.
*Insomnia causes Depression.... Depression causes Insomnia... sigh...
*Kangaroos cannot walk backwards... I'm pretty sure I can, but that will be for another night
*Bullfrogs are the only animal that do not sleep, I can attest to this as I am up in the middle of the night listening to them, they are QUITE annoying!!!!
*Eating celery burns calories.. this is my new 3 am snack
*Your breathing rate increases when you start to type..so you can imagine I sound like a panting dog in the desert right now
*For every human in the world there is approximately one chicken.. KFC should look into this
*Not one english word rhymes with month... I have tried, believe me!
*I really, really miss this person, and the longer I am awake the longer I miss him, I also find myself getting annoyed by this.
*I would really like to get drunk again soon, not messy sloppy drunk, just happy drunk
*I love, love my Ipod.. for those of you who do not know my oldest son bought it for me last month with his money.. sweetest thing ever.
*Listening to sad music, break up songs , love songs, you know those songs make me cry, but listening to happy upbeat dance music doesn't make me laugh.. I need to think about this one a little more.
*Chewing gum for an hour burns 20 calories, it also gets in your hair if you fall asleep with it in your mouth
*I have way too many tee shirts
*The train passes every single night I think it's about 2 am that I hear it, but I swear the other night it was closer to 4
So, I guess through this Insomnia/Depression thing I am becoming one smart girl.. sleep is really overrated..
*They actually sell the perfect meatloaf pan. Really? It looks like a cake pan, a loaf pan actually, I wonder if they think they are the first ones to invent this. My neighbor has had a "meatloaf pan" probably since my birth. I knew she should've marketed that.
*I learned how to french braid my bangs. I'm still a little rusty but doing it for a few nights and hours at a time, I think Ill be able to braid the guinea pig's hair soon too.
*I'm pretty good at search a word puzzles.. moving on to the big scary crossword ones soon.
*Facebook has some odd characters on at 2am.. if you are one of them, I apologize.
*All 3 of my boys talk in their sleep. Of course not necessarily at the same time but at points it does sound like a cackling bunch of girls.
*They make a Christmas Tree Chia Pet.. it even has a star on top of it.
*As of last night there are approximately 131 days till Christmas, better hurry up and get that Chia Pet
*Randy Pausch's book The Last Lecture is still inspiring after the 5th read.
*Insomnia causes Depression.... Depression causes Insomnia... sigh...
*Kangaroos cannot walk backwards... I'm pretty sure I can, but that will be for another night
*Bullfrogs are the only animal that do not sleep, I can attest to this as I am up in the middle of the night listening to them, they are QUITE annoying!!!!
*Eating celery burns calories.. this is my new 3 am snack
*Your breathing rate increases when you start to type..so you can imagine I sound like a panting dog in the desert right now
*For every human in the world there is approximately one chicken.. KFC should look into this
*Not one english word rhymes with month... I have tried, believe me!
*I really, really miss this person, and the longer I am awake the longer I miss him, I also find myself getting annoyed by this.
*I would really like to get drunk again soon, not messy sloppy drunk, just happy drunk
*I love, love my Ipod.. for those of you who do not know my oldest son bought it for me last month with his money.. sweetest thing ever.
*Listening to sad music, break up songs , love songs, you know those songs make me cry, but listening to happy upbeat dance music doesn't make me laugh.. I need to think about this one a little more.
*Chewing gum for an hour burns 20 calories, it also gets in your hair if you fall asleep with it in your mouth
*I have way too many tee shirts
*The train passes every single night I think it's about 2 am that I hear it, but I swear the other night it was closer to 4
So, I guess through this Insomnia/Depression thing I am becoming one smart girl.. sleep is really overrated..
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Apology
I did a very stupid thing last night. I hurt a very, very good friend. I know she's reading, and I know she'll say it's OK, and she did when I apologized in person this morning. But, really it wasn't OK, and I still feel awful about it. I don't know if my apologizing on here is selfish, since it's a way to make me feel better, but I just feel it needs to be said again, and to be honest, it really isn't making me feel much better.
So, to M, I am very sorry for what I did, or more importantly what I didn't do. I have no excuses, and again I'm not going to try and make any up. I love you, and I am sorry. I wish I could do last night all over again. I can't, so I can just do better, or try harder next time. I am sorry.
And for what we talked about.. I know.. I know... I owe you big time!!! :)
So, to M, I am very sorry for what I did, or more importantly what I didn't do. I have no excuses, and again I'm not going to try and make any up. I love you, and I am sorry. I wish I could do last night all over again. I can't, so I can just do better, or try harder next time. I am sorry.
And for what we talked about.. I know.. I know... I owe you big time!!! :)
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Nothing
Blogger block, and hangover, two things that must go hand in hand. I have nothing at all to write, nothing to say, which if you know me is a tremendous oddity. Ok, I'm sure I can write about how people are weird. How sad, or happy I am or neither. But the hangover is making me all dizzy and as I wait for a friend of mine to get out of the shower with her husband here getting ready to leave I wanted to type. I don't know why. I don't know what the pull of the keyboard was for. Because, really I have nothing to say. All fuzzy, and dizzy today with nothing to say. Skinnygirl can do that to me,she really was Skinnybitch last night. I guess in place of the calories she put weird stuff in there. My girlfriend says it's the herbs, the agave crap. I don't know, what I do know is two bottles of the herbs by yourself are way tooo much, and give a nasty dizzy feeling the next day, leaving me with bloggers block.
Hmmm, I'm still typing about nothing, I wonder if anyone is really reading this crap. Anyway, I put Bailey's in my coffee cause M's hubby who I will just refer to as my faux hubby said it would help take the edge off. I don't know if it did, but it was yummy. I won't make that a habit though. In the attempt to numb some sadness last night I killed myself for the day after. The remedy ?? Do it again. Yeah I ll do it again tonight. Ok, maybe not two bottles, maybe I ll try another poison.. see what that does to me. Maybe I'll just drink a little less, but I like feeling numb sometimes, feels good I think.. well really, I don't know because when you're numb you feel nothing.. I think the only way I know I felt numb is because I feel dizzy... so I guess tomorrow I'll know if tonight I feel numb... oh well, just another blog about absolutely nothing..
Hmmm, I'm still typing about nothing, I wonder if anyone is really reading this crap. Anyway, I put Bailey's in my coffee cause M's hubby who I will just refer to as my faux hubby said it would help take the edge off. I don't know if it did, but it was yummy. I won't make that a habit though. In the attempt to numb some sadness last night I killed myself for the day after. The remedy ?? Do it again. Yeah I ll do it again tonight. Ok, maybe not two bottles, maybe I ll try another poison.. see what that does to me. Maybe I'll just drink a little less, but I like feeling numb sometimes, feels good I think.. well really, I don't know because when you're numb you feel nothing.. I think the only way I know I felt numb is because I feel dizzy... so I guess tomorrow I'll know if tonight I feel numb... oh well, just another blog about absolutely nothing..
Friday, August 12, 2011
50 lb Pen
Two years ago today I signed my Divorce papers. I remember the day so well. Not because I was happy to move on, not because it was over. I remember it because it was sad, it was one of the hardest things I ever did in my life. My whole married life flashed before me. And my boys, oh my boys. They had no idea at that point. I remember my boys faces that day. I remember the drive, I remember the weather, I remember sitting in her office. I remember how hard it was to keep those tears from falling. Yet, I never changed my mind. She said you don't have to do this, but I did, well I felt I did. I felt I was ready. Are we ever ready? I thought about it for a long time, even though he wouldn't believe that. I love my X, not in love with my X ( I hate cliches). He's my boys' dad, even if he's not the best, he tries. It took me a long time to have any relationship with him, I'd like to think even though he still makes me nuts, and does and says things I'll never get, he's a decent guy. He gave me three of the best presents ever, and for that I'll always be grateful. The thing is I signed, I never thought twice. I thought, but I never thought about not doing it, well not at that point. Not on that day. I thought though that I was prepared, that I'd be all big and tough, not girlie, and just sign. I thought that when I left I'd feel great relief. To my dismay it was quite the opposite. But I signed. The weight of the pen was daunting. It was like lifting a 50 lb weight with two fingers. I didn't think I'd be able to lift it, and yes it took many tears in that office, and many tries. But I signed.
Last night, I had a bad night, a sad night. I said goodbye to someone I really really did not want to say goodbye to. I knew going to meet him that it was going to happen. I thought I was prepared. But, like my friend said, you were prepared, but you like him, so it still hurts. The point is as sad as I was, as sad as I am, I went. I knew what was going to happen but I went.
I think about that part of me, of people. Where do you get that strength? To go when you know it's going to turn out in a way you soooo don't want. Or to sign when you know it's going to be the hardest thing you'll ever do?? It is amazing to me that that strength lives inside of us. I guess people are resilient even if they aren't emotionally intelligent. That's kind of a cool thing really. I don't feel so strong today but it's the fact that I went, the fact that I signed that helps me remember that soon someday it will all be ok again.
Last night, I had a bad night, a sad night. I said goodbye to someone I really really did not want to say goodbye to. I knew going to meet him that it was going to happen. I thought I was prepared. But, like my friend said, you were prepared, but you like him, so it still hurts. The point is as sad as I was, as sad as I am, I went. I knew what was going to happen but I went.
I think about that part of me, of people. Where do you get that strength? To go when you know it's going to turn out in a way you soooo don't want. Or to sign when you know it's going to be the hardest thing you'll ever do?? It is amazing to me that that strength lives inside of us. I guess people are resilient even if they aren't emotionally intelligent. That's kind of a cool thing really. I don't feel so strong today but it's the fact that I went, the fact that I signed that helps me remember that soon someday it will all be ok again.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Not about you..
OK, so it seems some people are thinking everything I write is about them. I have a lot of situations, relationships, friends, and such.. a lot of it is the same. I also have friends in situations, and relationships, and when they ask me my opinion, or advice I start to think about myself, and my situations. This too can lead to a post, a blog whatever.. it doesn't mean it's my current situation.. I look at my relationships with friends a lot like I do my relationships with guys. In other words I get sad over girlfriend relationships as well as boy relationships. Please take heed with what you read. I write about a lot. Not all of it is necessarily about you even if you can relate. Sometimes I say yes to things when I should say no, and I feel the need to say that ( ugghh ) my last post was just about that. About a situation I got myself into by being a yes girl (no, not that kind of yes girl) and I really need to take myself out of it. Phew, ok, I feel better. I hope the person that asked me about the post reads this post and understands it was not meant for them.
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