Dear __________,

Ever hear someone say put it in writing, write it all down, but don't mail it.. or nowadays, don't email it, skype it, text it, blah blah.. well I hear it all the time. Kinda makes me wonder what is so wrong with my life that I'm always told to put it in writing..

I used to journal, but I felt nothing from it, no sense of accomplishment, no sense of fullfilment, nothing to be exact.  I think that's why I blog. I'm not quite sure who reads this, but I do know someone does. It feels better to put it out into the universe, to know someone is reading these words rather than it sitting in a little notebook in my nightstand, being read by no one but me.  Ever have hopes that maybe the right person will read it?  You know what I mean the person it is meant for?  I do.  I often think about ways,  or try to conjure up ways to get it to them, you know like that oops text you send, was it really an oops??" Oh sorry, that wasn't for you, but hey how are ya?"     Sometimes I think the only real mistakes are the ones you make on tests, or the ones where you step in that hole while jogging and 20 other people see it, I mean no one really wants that to be seen. 

I've written many of those letters, the ones you never send.  I usually wind up crumpling them up and tossing them in the garbage.  Sometimes I'll find one months, even years later, and I can laugh at it, usually I wind up saying "d***" and then tossing it in the garbage. 

My latest letter that I'd like to write,  is still unwritten. Yes another Dear John, Tom, Matt, Lou whoever letter.  It's too new to write. I'm not sure what I'd write. I'm not sure I wouldn't send it, those are the ones you just don't write, that's how I know it's too soon. But then I wonder so what, so what if you ever mailed it.  That's my big question.. why can't you?   You'll look stupid? Like a fool? You'll let him know he hurt you?  So?   I mean, shouldn't he know how you feel?  Would it do anything, well probably not.. but this isn't an I want you back letter, that's a different blog.  This would be a screw you letter, grow up, liar, lead me on, make up your mind kinda letter. Not worth your time? Maybe not, but if you feel that strongly maybe you should mail it, or skype it, or text it..

I'm a big believer in chances, many of them.. I don't really care how stupid I look, I know 9 out of 10 times it will get me nowhere, but what if that 1 time it did.  Life is short. People should know how we feel about them, this doesn't mean they are right for you, or you for them, but what is so wrong about letting people know how you feel, whether it is good or bad.
I think those Dear John letters should be sent ( i mean if you're planning on killing them or a family member, or you have a serious illness that may cause you to do things punishable by jail time, DON"T SEND IT, and check yourself into a hospital, now!).  I of course have never sent one.  I am sending it out to the universe though.  Iam hoping that maybe someday he'll google my name and this blog will show up, and he'll click on it..
and just incase he does...

Dear__________,
I miss you. And I saw the last episode.. I knew he'd die.

intuitively speaking.. this will be about nothing..

How embarassing to be back writing after almost 2 years with the same issues!! OMG!!
Do I dare even continue hitting the keys on this board??!!  Or do I just blame the people around me?? I could be mature about the whole thing and say it's me, or the lack there of me.. or I could be the immature me, and say f*** it it's them.  Well, in the midst of sadness I'm blaming THEM.

I will say the positive in this is getting me to write again.  I love the sound of the keys, and how my fingers feel when I hit them.  I love how there is no rough draft, albeit some may feel there should have been... but nope there isn't and like reality TV there will never be.  Like life no do overs, no rough drafts just jumping in the pool...

So to all of your surprise since my last write I've met my share of men, some nice, some cute, some toothless, some overweight, I won't judge.  I did just get out of a relationship with one.. not too sure yet why.. I guess he could argue that he didn't like me enough, but I'd argue back that that is so not true.  Not because I'm vain, and awesome, but because I'm smart, yep, I'm still that smart extremely intuitive girl that left this blog cold almost two years ago..  Actually I'm smarter, still sad, and miserable, Eeyore ish... but smart as shit!!

Intuition, what a crazy thing!! If you can hone in on yours, I highly recommend it!! Highly!!
Ask questions, meditate ( i do not) , find silence everyday, listen, feel others emotions, walk in their shoes even if only metaphorically... it helps.  It builds your intuitive skills, then listen to them!! This is where I fall short many times.. why would that surprise me?? I don't listen to anyone, why would I listen to intuition??  But, as your friend I recommend it!  It is a little scary to be so intuitive, it's like not wanting to hear shit from your mom, or your best friend but there you can walk away, hang up the phone, ignore the text... not intuition... it STAYS!!  It doesn't want to hear your bullshit go away crap... nope, it does not go away. You can't hide in the bathroom, or run 15 miles to get away.. it just is.  For some it is very strong, that would be me.    A blessing?? A curse??? Im not sure yet.  The sucky part is when you know you're right but no one cares. 

The fun part will be when my intuitive skills graduate to psychic abilities....watch them listen then!!!

As I sat here for all of 10 minutes typing this, it turned out to be about nothing, like I knew it would.. but it's a start, it's my way back in, my way of pulling my sad shitty self up and starting over...

Remember

Ten years, seems like an eternity, a lifetime, and sometimes like yesterday.
No matter where you were that day, no matter what you were doing 10 years ago Sept 11 you
stopped. And today you still stop, you still remember, not like it was an eternity, but like it 
was yesterday.
For me it was what was supposed to be my 13 year olds first day of Preschool. Ironic that on Sept12 2011 it will be mine as a Preschool teacher, how the 10 years have progressed, kept going. Still,you never forget.
From my front step I saw the smoke, the big black billowy clouds, the towers, what was the towers.
From my TV I saw the second plane almost live crash into the second tower, with more smoke in front of my house.  I remember the debris falling on my house as if it were snow, but it wasn't. I remember being outside with the neighbors, we all ate outside together that night, like no one wanted to be alone.  The silence in the air for days when air traffic was null. The sounds of the fighter Jets flying over our houses, low enough to make you flinch in fear, thankfully lowe enough to see the American Flag on them.  All like it was yesterday.
The call from my then sister n law that my brother n law a first responder with the 1st pct was missing. The ring of that phone was the worst sound ever.  Hours, and hours passed with no word.  The fear in her voice, in my X's was a fear I never want to experience again for me or anyone else.  He was one of the luckier ones, his friends not so much.. His police car smashed, thankfully he was not in it.  He was one of the luckier ones, that now suffers terribly from the effects of that horrible day. 
Cantor Fitzgerald, who lost so many people being on the top floors of that tower.  Two friends who lost two sons.. My mother's friend whose son was new to the FDNY.. who went in with the others, but never came out... My girlfriend who lost her Uncle ..  My neighbor who was rescued.. A friend whose husband will never be the same from carrying out his fallen friend...The firefighters running in, running up those stairs.. while telling everyone to go down. A friend whose dad was one of those running in.. who spoke to his wife, but whose daughter ( a friend ) missed that call that day..  A funeral, a wake I will never forget.    The retired community of NYPD, and The FDNY who went and volunteered at that awful site for days.. my X being one of them.  The sadness, and mixed feelings they had to deal with.  The people running in fear of the bridges closing, the families, and friends at home waiting waiting for a call.. wondering... the not knowing... The days that followed, the wakes, the funerals, the mourning.. the fear and sadness. Horrible, a horrible day. I could go on about the sadness, about the people who I know who lost, or the people I know that were lost, but I think we all have stories about that day, memories, thoughts, I don't think I have to share all of mine, when we all have so many of our own.

Good did come from that day, we stood together united as a country, and sadly realized that it took that to do it. I for one was reunited with a friend soon after. As we both realized how much mattered, or better, how much didn't.  I think differently after that day,as so many others do.  Life is short, life can be taken away on a beautiful sunny day .. on a day.. just a plain old Tuesday..
I try to remember that, Life is too short... I do forgive too much, I do give too many chances, I do put my heart into it all... I do. 
Life is short, and on that day that year so many people thought that way.. for months after people were more loving, more kind ,more gracious, more forgiving, less judgemental.. I think about that.. I think that may be the part people forgot.. The way they made positive out of it.. I don't think anyone ever forgets what happened, the bad horrific, senseless day.. that day... Sept 11, 2001.  As we shouldn't.
But, the harder part is trying to remember how we loved more soon after, how we were more forgiving, how we searched out the people we cared about just to tell them, ... how we held people closer, tighter...
<3

Bandaids

So, I know I have been quite depressing lately. I also realize I haven't been writing. I guess the two must go hand in hand. That is depression, and blogger's block.  I haven't felt funny lately. I haven't felt like writing lately. To be honest I haven't felt much lately. Even my sadness seems to feel hollow. 

I've been kind of wishing I was a kid again lately. Not a teen kinda kid, but a kid kinda kid.  The kind of kid that just lays on the floor tossing a stuffed animal in the air, catching it, and singing at the same time and totally saisfied, kinda kid. I envy my little guy, my 5 year old. Just simple stuff seems to satisfy him. His worries are few, and the ones he has are easily eased. His nightmares go away in my bed, his scary thoughts away in my arms, and cuts are healed with neon, or transformer bandaids. Simple.
If it were only so easy now. So easy to make the wounds heal. 

When you had a cut you would just put some neosporin, a bandaid, and a kiss. All was better.
You could change the bandaid, and see it healing, as you quickly ripped it off.  A few days and a scab.
No more bandaid needed. You could watch it heal, watch the scab get better, or fall off, see the scar. See the scar fade. And, with that it was healed.
The heart is so different for me. I can try to put the bandaid on, and the cream, and sometimes I rip it off to see if it's healed. But, you can't see the heart really, you can only feel what's going on with it. If it still hurts you try and put the bandaid back on, and give it some more time. I find it easier to visually watch something heal, then to feel the pain so many times, and hope that everyday it gets better without any setbacks.  For me the slightest setbacks set me off, like the scab falling off  because you rubbed it when you got out of the shower, and then it needs the time to heal over again. 
It's a process, for some a quick one, for me a slower one. Some people just heal quicker than others.

I guess that's why I wish I were a kid again, the pain of the scrapes is so much easier to deal with than the pain of a broken heart.  The difference I guess is as a kid you never think that cut is going to heal, feels like forever sometimes.As an adult you know it won't be that long till the bleeding stops, till the scab forms, the bandaid goes, and the scars fade.   It's the same as the heart in that way, I know it will heal, I know the hurt will lessen, and then go away, it has before it will again... I guess in that respect I'm glad I'm not a kid anymore.. maybe..

Just wish that transformer bandaid would work as good on the heart as it did on the knee..

Race against the Clock..

Andd so it begins.  School. Work. Crazy. Hectic. Routine. Rushing. Waking up early.
The life I once knew called Summer.. is ending.. now as I type.  I can already feel the tension
of the clock pressing on my mind.  Like a race that lasts from now until June, with little slow downs, and lots of curves. 
The time I had for me is dwindling down to maybe two nights a month. I look forward to it, and I dread it all at the same time.  I kinda enjoy the slower pace of Summer, the not having to always worry about the clock.  Yet, at the same time I look forward to a little bit of routine. I don't yet look forward to the early darkness.. of the sun going down.. yet I know I will.  I do look forward to Autumn, and the leaves changing, but not to the dreaded winter.. ugghh,, no not the winter. The snow, the ice, the being trapped indoors.. no not a fan.  But we aren't there yet. So , I will try not to worry about that.
My dating sabbatical will be easier to deal with as I have limited time to partake in these daunting at times activities.  I will have limited time to deal with anything! I will try to use my time wisely.
I will try to use my crock pot more, try to yell hurry up less, I will try to remain calm through it all this year. I will try.
Here's hoping for a smooth sailing year .. where we get on all the teams we want, get all the parts in the plays we want, see friends, pass tests, little hw, science fair wins, confirmation, graduations, so much to look forward to, great first years, Holidays,
So I say with much sadness  good bye Summer... and hello again Clock..

Too Busy

Being busy is usually a very good thing. It keeps the mind healthy, and depending on how you're being busy it could be good for the physical parts too. As people age doctors tell them to keep busy. It will keep you going, keep you alive longer. Sometimes being busy makes the dull days go by quicker. If you're busy with important things well it gets things done. Being busy is good.. except when being busy is bad.
Unfortunately for some people being busy makes them miss out on the important things, that you really don't think are important. Yet, later realize they were. Later can be an hour, a day, days, weeks, months and years.  As later gets later (if you know what I mean), it gets sad. You wake up one day realizing how much you may have missed being busy. Playing legos with your kids, first steps, first touchdowns, homeruns... Maybe a friendship that moved away, a flower that you planted, yet were too busy to see, and when you noticed it it was all brown and wilted.   See, being busy can make the money, can keep you alive for 100 years( i exaggerate here) but it can be your biggest enemy.
Being busy can leave you lonely.. I was too busy to call, too busy to text, too busy to stop by... just too busy, work, life, kids.. too busy.  As a single mom I'm always busy.  Always.  I try not to miss everything, but of course that is impossible.
I don't want to be too busy to miss out on life.  I don't want to miss things that are right there in my face because I was too busy.
Sadly, many people will wake up lonely someday  because they were just too busy.
They will miss out on things that they can never get back, they will miss out on relationships they let go to the wayside, they will lose people that sincerely cared about them, they will miss their kids growing up, little things that could be big great things will be missed out on.. people things being the most important  why? .. because they were  too busy..Then later in life when it is time to be a little less busy, when you realize you were so busy making the money, getting the promotion, and now it's time to enjoy it  you'll realize all being busy got you was lonely, no one to share the profits of being busy.
Days go really slow but years fly by..   so be busy but never be too busy...

I'm happy you exist..

Sometimes I find it very hard to smile, even harder to laugh. If I find something that makes me feel good or smile, genuinely smile.. I stick with it.

I found this awesome blog.. Operation Nice.. I know, I get all sappy and emotional at times, but this really made me feel good.  I'm really trying to find ways to make myself feel better, encourage my boys to be nicer people to each other and everyone around.

SO, I'm going to try something new, inbetween all of the cutting of patterns I have to get done for work. I am going to get involved a little bit in Operation Nice.  Here's how..

I am going to start leaving little notes of kindness all over, public bathrooms, supermarkets maybe near the cereal, parks, benches, cars, wherever I go at least one note. I am also going to try and involve my boys in this.. maybe I'll get lucky and at least get one out of three involved. 
I think it would be nice to find a note somewhere that said.. I 'm happy you exist.. or you're beautiful.. I think there are a lot of people going through a lot of stuff just looking for an extra smile..

I'll let you know how it goes .. till then...     SMILE