*Sometimes I wish I weren't so smart, so intuitive. Wish I were stupid, naive, ignorant..just sometimes... Me

*It would be so nice if somethings made sense for a change-Alice; Alice in Wonderland

*Shut the front door.... Oreo

*Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind-Dr. Seuss

*If you think it's about you, it probably is even if I didn't mean it to be... Me

*When there's an elephant in the room introduce him- Randy Pausch

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Dear __________,

Ever hear someone say put it in writing, write it all down, but don't mail it.. or nowadays, don't email it, skype it, text it, blah blah.. well I hear it all the time. Kinda makes me wonder what is so wrong with my life that I'm always told to put it in writing..

I used to journal, but I felt nothing from it, no sense of accomplishment, no sense of fullfilment, nothing to be exact.  I think that's why I blog. I'm not quite sure who reads this, but I do know someone does. It feels better to put it out into the universe, to know someone is reading these words rather than it sitting in a little notebook in my nightstand, being read by no one but me.  Ever have hopes that maybe the right person will read it?  You know what I mean the person it is meant for?  I do.  I often think about ways,  or try to conjure up ways to get it to them, you know like that oops text you send, was it really an oops??" Oh sorry, that wasn't for you, but hey how are ya?"     Sometimes I think the only real mistakes are the ones you make on tests, or the ones where you step in that hole while jogging and 20 other people see it, I mean no one really wants that to be seen. 

I've written many of those letters, the ones you never send.  I usually wind up crumpling them up and tossing them in the garbage.  Sometimes I'll find one months, even years later, and I can laugh at it, usually I wind up saying "d***" and then tossing it in the garbage. 

My latest letter that I'd like to write,  is still unwritten. Yes another Dear John, Tom, Matt, Lou whoever letter.  It's too new to write. I'm not sure what I'd write. I'm not sure I wouldn't send it, those are the ones you just don't write, that's how I know it's too soon. But then I wonder so what, so what if you ever mailed it.  That's my big question.. why can't you?   You'll look stupid? Like a fool? You'll let him know he hurt you?  So?   I mean, shouldn't he know how you feel?  Would it do anything, well probably not.. but this isn't an I want you back letter, that's a different blog.  This would be a screw you letter, grow up, liar, lead me on, make up your mind kinda letter. Not worth your time? Maybe not, but if you feel that strongly maybe you should mail it, or skype it, or text it..

I'm a big believer in chances, many of them.. I don't really care how stupid I look, I know 9 out of 10 times it will get me nowhere, but what if that 1 time it did.  Life is short. People should know how we feel about them, this doesn't mean they are right for you, or you for them, but what is so wrong about letting people know how you feel, whether it is good or bad.
I think those Dear John letters should be sent ( i mean if you're planning on killing them or a family member, or you have a serious illness that may cause you to do things punishable by jail time, DON"T SEND IT, and check yourself into a hospital, now!).  I of course have never sent one.  I am sending it out to the universe though.  Iam hoping that maybe someday he'll google my name and this blog will show up, and he'll click on it..
and just incase he does...

I miss you. And I saw the last episode.. I knew he'd die.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

intuitively speaking.. this will be about nothing..

How embarassing to be back writing after almost 2 years with the same issues!! OMG!!
Do I dare even continue hitting the keys on this board??!!  Or do I just blame the people around me?? I could be mature about the whole thing and say it's me, or the lack there of me.. or I could be the immature me, and say f*** it it's them.  Well, in the midst of sadness I'm blaming THEM.

I will say the positive in this is getting me to write again.  I love the sound of the keys, and how my fingers feel when I hit them.  I love how there is no rough draft, albeit some may feel there should have been... but nope there isn't and like reality TV there will never be.  Like life no do overs, no rough drafts just jumping in the pool...

So to all of your surprise since my last write I've met my share of men, some nice, some cute, some toothless, some overweight, I won't judge.  I did just get out of a relationship with one.. not too sure yet why.. I guess he could argue that he didn't like me enough, but I'd argue back that that is so not true.  Not because I'm vain, and awesome, but because I'm smart, yep, I'm still that smart extremely intuitive girl that left this blog cold almost two years ago..  Actually I'm smarter, still sad, and miserable, Eeyore ish... but smart as shit!!

Intuition, what a crazy thing!! If you can hone in on yours, I highly recommend it!! Highly!!
Ask questions, meditate ( i do not) , find silence everyday, listen, feel others emotions, walk in their shoes even if only metaphorically... it helps.  It builds your intuitive skills, then listen to them!! This is where I fall short many times.. why would that surprise me?? I don't listen to anyone, why would I listen to intuition??  But, as your friend I recommend it!  It is a little scary to be so intuitive, it's like not wanting to hear shit from your mom, or your best friend but there you can walk away, hang up the phone, ignore the text... not intuition... it STAYS!!  It doesn't want to hear your bullshit go away crap... nope, it does not go away. You can't hide in the bathroom, or run 15 miles to get away.. it just is.  For some it is very strong, that would be me.    A blessing?? A curse??? Im not sure yet.  The sucky part is when you know you're right but no one cares. 

The fun part will be when my intuitive skills graduate to psychic abilities....watch them listen then!!!

As I sat here for all of 10 minutes typing this, it turned out to be about nothing, like I knew it would.. but it's a start, it's my way back in, my way of pulling my sad shitty self up and starting over...