*Sometimes I wish I weren't so smart, so intuitive. Wish I were stupid, naive, ignorant..just sometimes... Me

*It would be so nice if somethings made sense for a change-Alice; Alice in Wonderland

*Shut the front door.... Oreo

*Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind-Dr. Seuss

*If you think it's about you, it probably is even if I didn't mean it to be... Me

*When there's an elephant in the room introduce him- Randy Pausch

Friday, April 5, 2013

You Can Always Ice Your Shins..

I've always been a runner, no, not a runner, a runner, simply defined as someone who likes to ignore, hide, or run from her problems.  Typically I run from them by finding another less hurtful problem to focus on.  Pathetic, I know.  But, in my intuitive mind, gut, and heart I'm betting I'm not the only runner out here in this world.

Problems suck, now, of course third world countries have experienced way bigger problems than I have, or that I can ever not wish to suffer, yet everyone has their own share.  Never judge a person by the way they perceive their problems, or how they define them. We all have them.
Of course like I said some worse than others but it's all personal, and no one really wants anyone else's. It's like that saying that I truly am not sure I agree with.. if everyone threw their problems in a pile, they'd want their own back.  I don't know, there are some things I can deal with better than others, I may try to sneak mine on someone else for a bit, and steal one of theirs.

I have now  decided to change this figurative running into literal running. Yes, follow me here, I am now going to try running, hell I've been doing it in my mind for years, why not put foot to path and clear the mind.. Of course Im a hell of a lot better at the figurative kind.  But, I like it, I like the idea that it is something I can do and see improvement (maybe). I like the clarity, the thought, even the physical pain makes me forget why I 'm really running,  I like the idea that there is a goal at the end.. something I am trying to reach for, -that would be a 5k... will I run the whole thing, I don't know, maybe walk some, but I will get out there.  The thing about running for me is that I started it out of the desire to run away from sadness.. is it helping uhhh, no, maybe.. ask me in a month??  but it is a positive change, a positive way to deal with problems instead of just running from them.. the pain I experience in my shins is now taking over the pain I feel in my heart, too bad shins.. .the heart needs a break..

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Answer Me!!

Spiteful words can hurt your feelings... But silence can break your heart....

Oh truer words never written.  Silence is deadly.. it is heartbreaking, agonizing, torturous, painful.
And, oh so unfair.  Is anybody given the right to ignore another human being??  I don't think so.  I think as humans we need to be heard, and when we are heard we need to be answered. 

Think of a time you witnessed a young child being ignored, or in some cases ignored a young child. We are all guilty of it. You're on the phone, or watching a show, or anything and your child asks you a question, or wants you to look at their masterpiece. You put your hand up, or a finger as if to say one minute. That one minute never comes.  What does the child do?  Do they initially go away? Not usually.  

I have worked with many children, in my experiences when a child is trying to get the attention of a peer they do a few things;  they get louder, they scream, they cry, they throw something, they tell an adult, they kick, cross their arms, after maybe a long time of trying they walk away... however, moments later they come back, this time trying again to get the attention in a different way.  Now they are almost pleading.. practically begging for an answer, a minute of attention or just some sort of acknowledgement.   They try in every way they know how at their young age.  This time instead of being loud, and almost infuriating they are kinder sweeter.  They use softer voices, they offer a toy, they draw them a picture, they ask them what is wrong.  If they are lucky they get the attention of their "friend",  they get some validation.. when they don't it ends in tears, or an adult having to help the situation.. It rarely ever ends on a good note.  Will this scar the child?  No, probably not, does that make it ok?  No, not at all.

We hear awful stories about children being held captive, being locked in a room. Stories of children never being touched, babies never being held, we always hear how harmful this disconnect is.  Studies have been done showing how humans are even hurt by strangers ignoring them.   We need to feel connected I think, and when that connection is not there it hurts, plain and simple.  Some, many will argue, well if they're going to ignore you they aren't worth it, move on, F*** em, there are many others out there who will see your worth and not ignore you. Do they have a point? umm. Yes, I guess they do. 

Being ignored by a friend, or someone you have had a relationship with.. sucks! Yep, plain and simple, Sucks!!   I guess I have to believe they weren't worth it?? I don't know, in my case, I think he was worth it.  I just am not sure why.   When you get answers you don't like from someone I guess you should move on.. but what happens when you get all different ones, ones that don't really make sense based on their actions.. Don't actions speak louder than words?  And what if you question their words with their actions.. you said this, but did this... then nothing.. not a word... silence, after almost 3 months of talking every day... nothing, silence, dead air, no words.  What do you do?  Do they think you will just go away??   Maybe.  But do you?  Not usually... you do what you would do as a child, your inner child begins to guide your actions, and even your thoughts, because even as a grown up being ignored by someone you like SUCKS!!

You become infuriated, thinking over and over, you try harder, you send what I call "loser texts"(that would be almost equivalent to the pleading the child does), you talk to friends, you get mad and mad and mad.... then in addition to your "loser texts" you become soft, like someone you don't even know, you ask please, why, just one more chance... then nothing, no response.. and like when you were a child someone, usually a friend steps in, or no one does, and it well just sits with you until one day it doesn't.  Till that day comes it's hard. It can consume you, your thoughts and even your actions.  An answer, a voice, some words in response to you is all you want.  But, they don't come. I'd rather hear go away, I hate you, I met someone, even crazy bitch would suffice, ughhh, but nothing?? nothing leaves you disconnected, questioning, solemn, sad....   not a good place. 

I think I'd die in solitary confinement.. I think being ignored  is like living in your own solitary confinement, only worse because you're not alone really, you're just ignored by one person. You have to keep living, and connecting, and functioning when you feel like you really just don't want to.  I know some would argue that it's a choice, a choice to feel that way, I disagree. I don't choose to feel empty, and consumed by thoughts of it, it just is for now.

So, don't ignore anyone, answer them, even if it's bad news you must give them, just acknowledge them.   Sometimes just a smile to a child or a stupid :) in a text.. something!!!!!! 
Here is my unsent letter.....
Being ignored is not working in your favor it is not going to make me go away any quicker than a response.. it is just going to make me want you more, and if that's your point then answer me!!   If not.. well then YOU tell Me  to F*** off!

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Dear __________,

Ever hear someone say put it in writing, write it all down, but don't mail it.. or nowadays, don't email it, skype it, text it, blah blah.. well I hear it all the time. Kinda makes me wonder what is so wrong with my life that I'm always told to put it in writing..

I used to journal, but I felt nothing from it, no sense of accomplishment, no sense of fullfilment, nothing to be exact.  I think that's why I blog. I'm not quite sure who reads this, but I do know someone does. It feels better to put it out into the universe, to know someone is reading these words rather than it sitting in a little notebook in my nightstand, being read by no one but me.  Ever have hopes that maybe the right person will read it?  You know what I mean the person it is meant for?  I do.  I often think about ways,  or try to conjure up ways to get it to them, you know like that oops text you send, was it really an oops??" Oh sorry, that wasn't for you, but hey how are ya?"     Sometimes I think the only real mistakes are the ones you make on tests, or the ones where you step in that hole while jogging and 20 other people see it, I mean no one really wants that to be seen. 

I've written many of those letters, the ones you never send.  I usually wind up crumpling them up and tossing them in the garbage.  Sometimes I'll find one months, even years later, and I can laugh at it, usually I wind up saying "d***" and then tossing it in the garbage. 

My latest letter that I'd like to write,  is still unwritten. Yes another Dear John, Tom, Matt, Lou whoever letter.  It's too new to write. I'm not sure what I'd write. I'm not sure I wouldn't send it, those are the ones you just don't write, that's how I know it's too soon. But then I wonder so what, so what if you ever mailed it.  That's my big question.. why can't you?   You'll look stupid? Like a fool? You'll let him know he hurt you?  So?   I mean, shouldn't he know how you feel?  Would it do anything, well probably not.. but this isn't an I want you back letter, that's a different blog.  This would be a screw you letter, grow up, liar, lead me on, make up your mind kinda letter. Not worth your time? Maybe not, but if you feel that strongly maybe you should mail it, or skype it, or text it..

I'm a big believer in chances, many of them.. I don't really care how stupid I look, I know 9 out of 10 times it will get me nowhere, but what if that 1 time it did.  Life is short. People should know how we feel about them, this doesn't mean they are right for you, or you for them, but what is so wrong about letting people know how you feel, whether it is good or bad.
I think those Dear John letters should be sent ( i mean if you're planning on killing them or a family member, or you have a serious illness that may cause you to do things punishable by jail time, DON"T SEND IT, and check yourself into a hospital, now!).  I of course have never sent one.  I am sending it out to the universe though.  Iam hoping that maybe someday he'll google my name and this blog will show up, and he'll click on it..
and just incase he does...

I miss you. And I saw the last episode.. I knew he'd die.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

intuitively speaking.. this will be about nothing..

How embarassing to be back writing after almost 2 years with the same issues!! OMG!!
Do I dare even continue hitting the keys on this board??!!  Or do I just blame the people around me?? I could be mature about the whole thing and say it's me, or the lack there of me.. or I could be the immature me, and say f*** it it's them.  Well, in the midst of sadness I'm blaming THEM.

I will say the positive in this is getting me to write again.  I love the sound of the keys, and how my fingers feel when I hit them.  I love how there is no rough draft, albeit some may feel there should have been... but nope there isn't and like reality TV there will never be.  Like life no do overs, no rough drafts just jumping in the pool...

So to all of your surprise since my last write I've met my share of men, some nice, some cute, some toothless, some overweight, I won't judge.  I did just get out of a relationship with one.. not too sure yet why.. I guess he could argue that he didn't like me enough, but I'd argue back that that is so not true.  Not because I'm vain, and awesome, but because I'm smart, yep, I'm still that smart extremely intuitive girl that left this blog cold almost two years ago..  Actually I'm smarter, still sad, and miserable, Eeyore ish... but smart as shit!!

Intuition, what a crazy thing!! If you can hone in on yours, I highly recommend it!! Highly!!
Ask questions, meditate ( i do not) , find silence everyday, listen, feel others emotions, walk in their shoes even if only metaphorically... it helps.  It builds your intuitive skills, then listen to them!! This is where I fall short many times.. why would that surprise me?? I don't listen to anyone, why would I listen to intuition??  But, as your friend I recommend it!  It is a little scary to be so intuitive, it's like not wanting to hear shit from your mom, or your best friend but there you can walk away, hang up the phone, ignore the text... not intuition... it STAYS!!  It doesn't want to hear your bullshit go away crap... nope, it does not go away. You can't hide in the bathroom, or run 15 miles to get away.. it just is.  For some it is very strong, that would be me.    A blessing?? A curse??? Im not sure yet.  The sucky part is when you know you're right but no one cares. 

The fun part will be when my intuitive skills graduate to psychic abilities....watch them listen then!!!

As I sat here for all of 10 minutes typing this, it turned out to be about nothing, like I knew it would.. but it's a start, it's my way back in, my way of pulling my sad shitty self up and starting over...

Saturday, September 10, 2011


Ten years, seems like an eternity, a lifetime, and sometimes like yesterday.
No matter where you were that day, no matter what you were doing 10 years ago Sept 11 you
stopped. And today you still stop, you still remember, not like it was an eternity, but like it 
was yesterday.
For me it was what was supposed to be my 13 year olds first day of Preschool. Ironic that on Sept12 2011 it will be mine as a Preschool teacher, how the 10 years have progressed, kept going. Still,you never forget.
From my front step I saw the smoke, the big black billowy clouds, the towers, what was the towers.
From my TV I saw the second plane almost live crash into the second tower, with more smoke in front of my house.  I remember the debris falling on my house as if it were snow, but it wasn't. I remember being outside with the neighbors, we all ate outside together that night, like no one wanted to be alone.  The silence in the air for days when air traffic was null. The sounds of the fighter Jets flying over our houses, low enough to make you flinch in fear, thankfully lowe enough to see the American Flag on them.  All like it was yesterday.
The call from my then sister n law that my brother n law a first responder with the 1st pct was missing. The ring of that phone was the worst sound ever.  Hours, and hours passed with no word.  The fear in her voice, in my X's was a fear I never want to experience again for me or anyone else.  He was one of the luckier ones, his friends not so much.. His police car smashed, thankfully he was not in it.  He was one of the luckier ones, that now suffers terribly from the effects of that horrible day. 
Cantor Fitzgerald, who lost so many people being on the top floors of that tower.  Two friends who lost two sons.. My mother's friend whose son was new to the FDNY.. who went in with the others, but never came out... My girlfriend who lost her Uncle ..  My neighbor who was rescued.. A friend whose husband will never be the same from carrying out his fallen friend...The firefighters running in, running up those stairs.. while telling everyone to go down. A friend whose dad was one of those running in.. who spoke to his wife, but whose daughter ( a friend ) missed that call that day..  A funeral, a wake I will never forget.    The retired community of NYPD, and The FDNY who went and volunteered at that awful site for days.. my X being one of them.  The sadness, and mixed feelings they had to deal with.  The people running in fear of the bridges closing, the families, and friends at home waiting waiting for a call.. wondering... the not knowing... The days that followed, the wakes, the funerals, the mourning.. the fear and sadness. Horrible, a horrible day. I could go on about the sadness, about the people who I know who lost, or the people I know that were lost, but I think we all have stories about that day, memories, thoughts, I don't think I have to share all of mine, when we all have so many of our own.

Good did come from that day, we stood together united as a country, and sadly realized that it took that to do it. I for one was reunited with a friend soon after. As we both realized how much mattered, or better, how much didn't.  I think differently after that day,as so many others do.  Life is short, life can be taken away on a beautiful sunny day .. on a day.. just a plain old Tuesday..
I try to remember that, Life is too short... I do forgive too much, I do give too many chances, I do put my heart into it all... I do. 
Life is short, and on that day that year so many people thought that way.. for months after people were more loving, more kind ,more gracious, more forgiving, less judgemental.. I think about that.. I think that may be the part people forgot.. The way they made positive out of it.. I don't think anyone ever forgets what happened, the bad horrific, senseless day.. that day... Sept 11, 2001.  As we shouldn't.
But, the harder part is trying to remember how we loved more soon after, how we were more forgiving, how we searched out the people we cared about just to tell them, ... how we held people closer, tighter...

Thursday, September 8, 2011


So, I know I have been quite depressing lately. I also realize I haven't been writing. I guess the two must go hand in hand. That is depression, and blogger's block.  I haven't felt funny lately. I haven't felt like writing lately. To be honest I haven't felt much lately. Even my sadness seems to feel hollow. 

I've been kind of wishing I was a kid again lately. Not a teen kinda kid, but a kid kinda kid.  The kind of kid that just lays on the floor tossing a stuffed animal in the air, catching it, and singing at the same time and totally saisfied, kinda kid. I envy my little guy, my 5 year old. Just simple stuff seems to satisfy him. His worries are few, and the ones he has are easily eased. His nightmares go away in my bed, his scary thoughts away in my arms, and cuts are healed with neon, or transformer bandaids. Simple.
If it were only so easy now. So easy to make the wounds heal. 

When you had a cut you would just put some neosporin, a bandaid, and a kiss. All was better.
You could change the bandaid, and see it healing, as you quickly ripped it off.  A few days and a scab.
No more bandaid needed. You could watch it heal, watch the scab get better, or fall off, see the scar. See the scar fade. And, with that it was healed.
The heart is so different for me. I can try to put the bandaid on, and the cream, and sometimes I rip it off to see if it's healed. But, you can't see the heart really, you can only feel what's going on with it. If it still hurts you try and put the bandaid back on, and give it some more time. I find it easier to visually watch something heal, then to feel the pain so many times, and hope that everyday it gets better without any setbacks.  For me the slightest setbacks set me off, like the scab falling off  because you rubbed it when you got out of the shower, and then it needs the time to heal over again. 
It's a process, for some a quick one, for me a slower one. Some people just heal quicker than others.

I guess that's why I wish I were a kid again, the pain of the scrapes is so much easier to deal with than the pain of a broken heart.  The difference I guess is as a kid you never think that cut is going to heal, feels like forever sometimes.As an adult you know it won't be that long till the bleeding stops, till the scab forms, the bandaid goes, and the scars fade.   It's the same as the heart in that way, I know it will heal, I know the hurt will lessen, and then go away, it has before it will again... I guess in that respect I'm glad I'm not a kid anymore.. maybe..

Just wish that transformer bandaid would work as good on the heart as it did on the knee..

Monday, September 5, 2011

Race against the Clock..

Andd so it begins.  School. Work. Crazy. Hectic. Routine. Rushing. Waking up early.
The life I once knew called Summer.. is ending.. now as I type.  I can already feel the tension
of the clock pressing on my mind.  Like a race that lasts from now until June, with little slow downs, and lots of curves. 
The time I had for me is dwindling down to maybe two nights a month. I look forward to it, and I dread it all at the same time.  I kinda enjoy the slower pace of Summer, the not having to always worry about the clock.  Yet, at the same time I look forward to a little bit of routine. I don't yet look forward to the early darkness.. of the sun going down.. yet I know I will.  I do look forward to Autumn, and the leaves changing, but not to the dreaded winter.. ugghh,, no not the winter. The snow, the ice, the being trapped indoors.. no not a fan.  But we aren't there yet. So , I will try not to worry about that.
My dating sabbatical will be easier to deal with as I have limited time to partake in these daunting at times activities.  I will have limited time to deal with anything! I will try to use my time wisely.
I will try to use my crock pot more, try to yell hurry up less, I will try to remain calm through it all this year. I will try.
Here's hoping for a smooth sailing year .. where we get on all the teams we want, get all the parts in the plays we want, see friends, pass tests, little hw, science fair wins, confirmation, graduations, so much to look forward to, great first years, Holidays,
So I say with much sadness  good bye Summer... and hello again Clock..