*Sometimes I wish I weren't so smart, so intuitive. Wish I were stupid, naive, ignorant..just sometimes... Me

*It would be so nice if somethings made sense for a change-Alice; Alice in Wonderland

*Shut the front door.... Oreo

*Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind-Dr. Seuss

*If you think it's about you, it probably is even if I didn't mean it to be... Me

*When there's an elephant in the room introduce him- Randy Pausch

Saturday, September 10, 2011


Ten years, seems like an eternity, a lifetime, and sometimes like yesterday.
No matter where you were that day, no matter what you were doing 10 years ago Sept 11 you
stopped. And today you still stop, you still remember, not like it was an eternity, but like it 
was yesterday.
For me it was what was supposed to be my 13 year olds first day of Preschool. Ironic that on Sept12 2011 it will be mine as a Preschool teacher, how the 10 years have progressed, kept going. Still,you never forget.
From my front step I saw the smoke, the big black billowy clouds, the towers, what was the towers.
From my TV I saw the second plane almost live crash into the second tower, with more smoke in front of my house.  I remember the debris falling on my house as if it were snow, but it wasn't. I remember being outside with the neighbors, we all ate outside together that night, like no one wanted to be alone.  The silence in the air for days when air traffic was null. The sounds of the fighter Jets flying over our houses, low enough to make you flinch in fear, thankfully lowe enough to see the American Flag on them.  All like it was yesterday.
The call from my then sister n law that my brother n law a first responder with the 1st pct was missing. The ring of that phone was the worst sound ever.  Hours, and hours passed with no word.  The fear in her voice, in my X's was a fear I never want to experience again for me or anyone else.  He was one of the luckier ones, his friends not so much.. His police car smashed, thankfully he was not in it.  He was one of the luckier ones, that now suffers terribly from the effects of that horrible day. 
Cantor Fitzgerald, who lost so many people being on the top floors of that tower.  Two friends who lost two sons.. My mother's friend whose son was new to the FDNY.. who went in with the others, but never came out... My girlfriend who lost her Uncle ..  My neighbor who was rescued.. A friend whose husband will never be the same from carrying out his fallen friend...The firefighters running in, running up those stairs.. while telling everyone to go down. A friend whose dad was one of those running in.. who spoke to his wife, but whose daughter ( a friend ) missed that call that day..  A funeral, a wake I will never forget.    The retired community of NYPD, and The FDNY who went and volunteered at that awful site for days.. my X being one of them.  The sadness, and mixed feelings they had to deal with.  The people running in fear of the bridges closing, the families, and friends at home waiting waiting for a call.. wondering... the not knowing... The days that followed, the wakes, the funerals, the mourning.. the fear and sadness. Horrible, a horrible day. I could go on about the sadness, about the people who I know who lost, or the people I know that were lost, but I think we all have stories about that day, memories, thoughts, I don't think I have to share all of mine, when we all have so many of our own.

Good did come from that day, we stood together united as a country, and sadly realized that it took that to do it. I for one was reunited with a friend soon after. As we both realized how much mattered, or better, how much didn't.  I think differently after that day,as so many others do.  Life is short, life can be taken away on a beautiful sunny day .. on a day.. just a plain old Tuesday..
I try to remember that, Life is too short... I do forgive too much, I do give too many chances, I do put my heart into it all... I do. 
Life is short, and on that day that year so many people thought that way.. for months after people were more loving, more kind ,more gracious, more forgiving, less judgemental.. I think about that.. I think that may be the part people forgot.. The way they made positive out of it.. I don't think anyone ever forgets what happened, the bad horrific, senseless day.. that day... Sept 11, 2001.  As we shouldn't.
But, the harder part is trying to remember how we loved more soon after, how we were more forgiving, how we searched out the people we cared about just to tell them, ... how we held people closer, tighter...

Thursday, September 8, 2011


So, I know I have been quite depressing lately. I also realize I haven't been writing. I guess the two must go hand in hand. That is depression, and blogger's block.  I haven't felt funny lately. I haven't felt like writing lately. To be honest I haven't felt much lately. Even my sadness seems to feel hollow. 

I've been kind of wishing I was a kid again lately. Not a teen kinda kid, but a kid kinda kid.  The kind of kid that just lays on the floor tossing a stuffed animal in the air, catching it, and singing at the same time and totally saisfied, kinda kid. I envy my little guy, my 5 year old. Just simple stuff seems to satisfy him. His worries are few, and the ones he has are easily eased. His nightmares go away in my bed, his scary thoughts away in my arms, and cuts are healed with neon, or transformer bandaids. Simple.
If it were only so easy now. So easy to make the wounds heal. 

When you had a cut you would just put some neosporin, a bandaid, and a kiss. All was better.
You could change the bandaid, and see it healing, as you quickly ripped it off.  A few days and a scab.
No more bandaid needed. You could watch it heal, watch the scab get better, or fall off, see the scar. See the scar fade. And, with that it was healed.
The heart is so different for me. I can try to put the bandaid on, and the cream, and sometimes I rip it off to see if it's healed. But, you can't see the heart really, you can only feel what's going on with it. If it still hurts you try and put the bandaid back on, and give it some more time. I find it easier to visually watch something heal, then to feel the pain so many times, and hope that everyday it gets better without any setbacks.  For me the slightest setbacks set me off, like the scab falling off  because you rubbed it when you got out of the shower, and then it needs the time to heal over again. 
It's a process, for some a quick one, for me a slower one. Some people just heal quicker than others.

I guess that's why I wish I were a kid again, the pain of the scrapes is so much easier to deal with than the pain of a broken heart.  The difference I guess is as a kid you never think that cut is going to heal, feels like forever sometimes.As an adult you know it won't be that long till the bleeding stops, till the scab forms, the bandaid goes, and the scars fade.   It's the same as the heart in that way, I know it will heal, I know the hurt will lessen, and then go away, it has before it will again... I guess in that respect I'm glad I'm not a kid anymore.. maybe..

Just wish that transformer bandaid would work as good on the heart as it did on the knee..

Monday, September 5, 2011

Race against the Clock..

Andd so it begins.  School. Work. Crazy. Hectic. Routine. Rushing. Waking up early.
The life I once knew called Summer.. is ending.. now as I type.  I can already feel the tension
of the clock pressing on my mind.  Like a race that lasts from now until June, with little slow downs, and lots of curves. 
The time I had for me is dwindling down to maybe two nights a month. I look forward to it, and I dread it all at the same time.  I kinda enjoy the slower pace of Summer, the not having to always worry about the clock.  Yet, at the same time I look forward to a little bit of routine. I don't yet look forward to the early darkness.. of the sun going down.. yet I know I will.  I do look forward to Autumn, and the leaves changing, but not to the dreaded winter.. ugghh,, no not the winter. The snow, the ice, the being trapped indoors.. no not a fan.  But we aren't there yet. So , I will try not to worry about that.
My dating sabbatical will be easier to deal with as I have limited time to partake in these daunting at times activities.  I will have limited time to deal with anything! I will try to use my time wisely.
I will try to use my crock pot more, try to yell hurry up less, I will try to remain calm through it all this year. I will try.
Here's hoping for a smooth sailing year .. where we get on all the teams we want, get all the parts in the plays we want, see friends, pass tests, little hw, science fair wins, confirmation, graduations, so much to look forward to, great first years, Holidays,
So I say with much sadness  good bye Summer... and hello again Clock..

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Too Busy

Being busy is usually a very good thing. It keeps the mind healthy, and depending on how you're being busy it could be good for the physical parts too. As people age doctors tell them to keep busy. It will keep you going, keep you alive longer. Sometimes being busy makes the dull days go by quicker. If you're busy with important things well it gets things done. Being busy is good.. except when being busy is bad.
Unfortunately for some people being busy makes them miss out on the important things, that you really don't think are important. Yet, later realize they were. Later can be an hour, a day, days, weeks, months and years.  As later gets later (if you know what I mean), it gets sad. You wake up one day realizing how much you may have missed being busy. Playing legos with your kids, first steps, first touchdowns, homeruns... Maybe a friendship that moved away, a flower that you planted, yet were too busy to see, and when you noticed it it was all brown and wilted.   See, being busy can make the money, can keep you alive for 100 years( i exaggerate here) but it can be your biggest enemy.
Being busy can leave you lonely.. I was too busy to call, too busy to text, too busy to stop by... just too busy, work, life, kids.. too busy.  As a single mom I'm always busy.  Always.  I try not to miss everything, but of course that is impossible.
I don't want to be too busy to miss out on life.  I don't want to miss things that are right there in my face because I was too busy.
Sadly, many people will wake up lonely someday  because they were just too busy.
They will miss out on things that they can never get back, they will miss out on relationships they let go to the wayside, they will lose people that sincerely cared about them, they will miss their kids growing up, little things that could be big great things will be missed out on.. people things being the most important  why? .. because they were  too busy..Then later in life when it is time to be a little less busy, when you realize you were so busy making the money, getting the promotion, and now it's time to enjoy it  you'll realize all being busy got you was lonely, no one to share the profits of being busy.
Days go really slow but years fly by..   so be busy but never be too busy...

Saturday, August 27, 2011

I'm happy you exist..

Sometimes I find it very hard to smile, even harder to laugh. If I find something that makes me feel good or smile, genuinely smile.. I stick with it.

I found this awesome blog.. Operation Nice.. I know, I get all sappy and emotional at times, but this really made me feel good.  I'm really trying to find ways to make myself feel better, encourage my boys to be nicer people to each other and everyone around.

SO, I'm going to try something new, inbetween all of the cutting of patterns I have to get done for work. I am going to get involved a little bit in Operation Nice.  Here's how..

I am going to start leaving little notes of kindness all over, public bathrooms, supermarkets maybe near the cereal, parks, benches, cars, wherever I go at least one note. I am also going to try and involve my boys in this.. maybe I'll get lucky and at least get one out of three involved. 
I think it would be nice to find a note somewhere that said.. I 'm happy you exist.. or you're beautiful.. I think there are a lot of people going through a lot of stuff just looking for an extra smile..

I'll let you know how it goes .. till then...     SMILE 


So, as of late I have not been my usual witty, sarcastic, albeit nasty self. Unless you ask the neighbor, she thinks I'm always nasty regardless of my real mood, oh well , can't make everyone happy.
Anyway, I am starting to feel better, starting to move on.. things are a changing, back to school, back to work, back to my crazy busy routine.. and secretly I can't wait, although by October I probably will have had enough.

Anyway, bracing ourselves for a hurricane.. Irene... I must admit I am not in the least bit concerned. Granted I don't live on the path directly, but some of my neighbors, not just THE neighbor are going crazy.  I am concerned and worried about some friends and family who have been evacuated (some are actually evacuated here), or who are on the path of Irene.  Some of my old neighborhood could face some problems in the next day or so, I hope it's slight. 

If I have to find the positive in this, which is my new "way of living", finding the positive in everything no matter how slight.  I would say that people, are way more important than things.  This is a common thread lately.  I struggle everyday making ends meet financially.  I worry about it of course, but I take it day by day.   But in the end people matter so much more.  How we treat them, how they treat us.   I know I blogged about people being replaceable, and still I believe to an extent they are. BUT, family, close friends, friends of friends, etc.  no, not replaceable, the relationships the feelings our loved ones are not replaceable.  Irene is not threatening me, I'm not worried about my house, or the things I so neatly removed from my deck, and my patio. I am worried about the people and how it will affect them, their feelings.   I guess I just care, maybe too much.  I m hoping you all realize this is just a blip on the radar, keep your family and friends close, it will be fine.  

Two of my friend's daughters were in a car accident just the other day. One is fine, thank goodness, her car is totaled. But does it matter? no.  She is fine, cars don't matter, the people driving them do.  My other friend well her daughter is not doing so well.. I pray she will be OK, has anyone thought twice about that car, no, not at all. The car doesn't matter. Things sometimes turn out badly, but it's the people that matter, you can get through the financial part, the losing the license, the embarassment, the humility.. as long as the people are ok.  The important things, people.

So come on Irene, bring it.. My life has been through a lot of hurricanes, a lot of ripping things down, broken hearts, broken bones, sad kids, financial loss, change, moves, deaths.. and  I'm still here..

Thank you Irene.. for allowing people to worry a little about people today, maybe making them stop and think about what is really important. To those who still can't see that the biggest losses, material losses, can be replaced, can be weathered,  I feel bad for you.  For those who still can't open their hearts and their minds I pray you will someday know what it is like to truly truly care and worry about someone, and to appreciate the people that do care, and worry about you.   Let Irene help you get there.  You'll be a better person for it. 

Friday, August 26, 2011

Going on Sabbatical

So I decided to make a conscious effort to be happy, and not sad. Yeah ok, this is going to work. I know wrong attitude. I feel that I have tried all the things you're supposed to try, and nothing seems to go my way. Everyone says, oh it will you'll see give it time, or be patient, or my favorite line of crap when you're not looking,or when you least expect it. HAHA, those are the best. Who came up with those?? I mean really. 
The only line of crap I believe is that Laughter is The Best Medicine. It definitely is, the issue is wanting to laugh, or being able to laugh. This is something I have a hard time with.  Except for the other night. OMG I seriously laughed more in the two hours at my kids baseball game then I think I have in months. I mean, laugh so hard you're going to cry laugh... it seriously felt soo good, and I was good for awhile that night. I find it easier to laugh with people who only know the parts of me that I want them to know. Don't get me wrong they knew I was a miserable person, but so are they, and the most interesting part is everyone still wants to talk to me, or be around me. I don't know why I wish I didn't have to be around me at times.
I was telling another friend how I am considering meds again, but really don't want to. My depression is different this time, not like the anxiety that came out of nowhere when I was 30.  She nailed it for me, Life's Circumstances. Yes, my sadness or my misery as I refer to it didn't come from nowhere, it came from my current life's circumstances. I think I'm entitled to this. I've had it hard, again not as hard as others, and definitely easier than some. But again, my smart friend said, no, it's all relative. I don't know if she was just trying to make me feel better or if she meant it. My heart tells me she meant it, and at the same time it made me feel better for a bit.  I am not suicidal by any means, I do not lie in bed crying all day, and I do not ignore my kids. I guess you could say Im a functioning misery, you know like a functioning alcoholic (which may I add, I am NOT).    But I will admit I am sad.
So I've been working on figuring out a way to make this better. I sadly, and embarassingly have narrowed it down to men.  They SUCK!!   I for the first time in my life do not want to date any new ones. There is one particular one that I'd like to but he doesn't have the time. Now, believe me I know I deserve better, I know Im worth it. But, it's still hard, and it still hurts.
I have been doing this online dating crap for awhile now. I don't recommend it, nor do I deter it.  Hmmm..  I think it's funny, and sad all at the same time.   Oh, and creepy don't forget creepy.  Why do 63 year old men that still live at home think they can wink at me???  See, I told you I know I deserve better. But really why???   Why post pics of all your dogs, or your trucks??  Do I give a shit what your dog looks like in the ocean or at the park?? mmmm.. nope.   Do I care that you have 6 trucks that are all the same color??  Yeah I do because it tells me not to date you. 
Ugghh.  but the weeding out has become so tiresome. I'm obviously not as good at it as I thought. Now don't get me wrong I've met some nice guys, even dated them for months. But, always, always the ones that I really like, (and there have really been only 2).. like me in the beginning become busy, or life gets in the way.. It is depressing. It's like being 17 in a 41 year old body. You know when you're 17 you can hideaway, or burn pictures, go out and hang out with your 21 girlfriends who all hate men.  BUT when you're 41   oh, well , it's different.  You don't have 21 girlfriends that hate men, well maybe you do but they're married and won't always admit it. You can try staying in bed but then when you wake up you have to clean up the shitload of milk that was spilled while they were making their own breakfast, you can cry in the shower, but make sure you can chin up really quick when they come in and want a conversation,  you can burn pictures, sure you can, just be prepared to answer 100 questions, and make sure you hide the damn lighter so the boys don't decide they want to burn pictures of you when theyre mad.
So, being sad and depressed over guys at 41 is hard. You have to keep it all in for the show, then lose it at night I guess, I don't know, haven't quite figured it out. That's part of why Im going on a man sabbatical.
Also, if it comes when you're not looking is true, where the Hell is it coming from??? really??  the supermarket, the bathroom, your house, gas station, I mean where??? I don't know. And then when you think you found it because 'all the signs ' were there, and really they were, but the signs fall down, or he doesn't see them then what??  yeah, another reason for my man sabbatical.  I mean I've always believed we are responsible for our own destiny.. well shit I'm screwed in this dept.
How about having someone set you up??   I have heard this one too.. WHO???  who is setting me up?? Are they setting me up with their married guy friend who wants to ask his wife for a divorce?? How many married friends know single emotionally available men that are willing to take a chance??  NONE. Another reason for my man sabbatical.
Oh, give it time maybe he'll come around.. OK, how much time??  Seriously, how much?? One guy I met that was one of my 2 that I really liked, texted me SIX months later.. 6!! OK, now I really, really liked this guy, he disappeared after 4 months, then I tried again a monh and a half later. He never responded, now he responds???  Believe me if I weren't on such a man hating hiatus, I'd have responded, good to know I have a breaking point as well.  Besides how do men come around? They don't, once they're gone, they're gone.. like good and gone. Like I packed my bags, took my beer gone.
I wish I knew how to be gone sometimes, and then there are the ones that are going through their own Life's Circumstances, and have no room for me anymore.   Unfortunately I hang on for those a little too long some people think.  I'm not much worried about what other people think.  I guess I'll hang on to "my little bit of hope" that  I have left.  I guess I'll try to enjoy the dating sabbatical.. try to as someone once said "buck up little camper" ( i hate that btw)...maybe when I'm not looking not caring he'll just show up...  not sure I believe in this .. but hey what's one more silly hope..

I am Not a Razor

I have been lucky and unlucky in dating.  Lately it seems like the latter is picking up speed.  One thing I can say is that it is a learning experience. Only, some of the things I am learning are a bit disheartening.
I guess I've been a bit naive, thinking that all people genuinely care about others. Wow, was I wrong.  
I always liked to believe that things not people are disposable.  I have learned otherwise.  People are disposable. 
I know in the work place people are always told don't slack, you're replaceable. I guess this is true, there are millions of people in the world, someone can always take over, or fill in.  Internet dating has made people disposable as well.  You can keep someone on the back burner, or the grass is always greener saying hold true here.  Always someone else looking for a date.  How about there are plenty of fish in the sea.. just move on.. all of these things make people disposable, replaceable, even recycleable. You know cast them aside for the time being, bring them back when you need them.

We live in such a disposable society, always something better coming out, you buy an Ipad, 3 months later you want the I pad 2.  Nintendo DS, Nintendo DS lite, Nintendo with a camera, Nintendo DS in 3D.  Manufacturers of products like this make us a crazy society, always needing the next best thing.. really gives new meaning to keeping up with the Jones'.

So why should I be surprised when this spills over into people throwing away people. I guess what is more surprising, is not that people are disposable, but more that relationships are.   Which at the same time means feelings are. And this is where I don't fit in.  I cannot just turn feelings on and off. I don't think I understand people that can. However, it is a common thread among guys.  They can just move on. I mean I am sure there are many women that can do this too, but I don't date women. 
Relationships should not be disposable, I guess if you're one of those turn my feelings on and off kinda people it's easy.  Not so for me.  Relationships take work, if you already invested the time, the feelings, or have involved another human  you need to take care.  
I am guilty of trusting completely, of going all in, how else will you ever know? Unfortunately taking this road leaves many opportunities to get hurt. I seem to be finding them all. 
I have decided to take a dating sabbatical, for the first time I'm tired of being disposable, of being broken, sad, and all the rest.  Someone once told me you can choose to be the victim or the student.  I don't really think I chose to be the victim.. I just have feelings, and although I don't wallow in bed all day like I'd like to some days, I still don't want to be the victim.  I know I deserve the best and that I'm a great catch so to speak. That does not mean I cannot be sad.. or hopeful.. or hopeless.. or any of those things.   Being the student comes much easier to others, especially those who can turn their feelings on and off.    I like having feelings for others, I like the idea of caring, of taking care of someone, of someone taking care of me or my feelings.  I just wish that there were more guys like that around, well at least that the ones that I fall for were a little more like me.   Just a little..

Anyway, people and relationships are not razors.. we're more like flat screen TV's with mercury.  You know we need to be taken care of when "disposing " of. Not just tossed aside in the garbage can because it's so easy to buy  new razor. For a TV you think longer, harder, what should I do, they aren't so cheap, so easy to get. Then when you decide to buy the new one you have to find a certain recycleable center, have someone help you get the big TV there, and dispose of it gently, the right way, so that getting hurt is minimized..    

Monday, August 22, 2011

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Dear Em,

My baby is leaving for college.   OK, well not exactly, but sort of.

As you know I don't actually have any children leaving for college yet, I kind of wish I did somedays, but truth be told if I did I'd probably be sad too. But in some ways my baby is leaving, my best friend's baby. 
I have known Em since she was about a year and a half. I will admit we have had our disputes, just like any other mother daughter, well sort of. We did actually get into a fight with a phone once. Maybe she was two, but she started it, and she hit me with it first. She also got "in the way" of her mom and I going out to get drunk on many a weekend, many many years ago. The nerve.  She needed her mom there to go to sleep, grandma was never enough.  She also needed to hold her mom's hand in the car, what an annoyance that was! Em was a little bitchy, a little spoiled, but very cute. I think she's still the same, I guess not much changes. 
So, in some ways my baby is leaving for college.  She will no longer be living with her mom, something I know is a struggle probably for both.  But, I guess it's time for her to move on, for her to take everything her mom (and I haha)  have taught her and apply it by herself. My gut tells me she will do beautifully.  
SO, I know you all don't need to read this, so you may X out at anytime.

Dear Em,
I am so so proud of you. I never had the chance to have a daughter, and sometimes I think that was a good thing. But I know if I had been able to place an order for one, I'd want her to be just like you.   I know you probably think Im the mean mom.. lol, and I am, I wouldn't let you sleep at certain places, or drink with me, or get all tatooed up. Nope I probably wouldn't have. But I'm not your mom. However, I love you like I am your mom. I have watched you grow up even if thru your mom's eyes. You have done such a wonderful job of growing up.. and I mean that with all my heart. You have turned into such a wonderful "grown up".  I know that whatever you face on your own in college you will face head on, and make great decisions. I know this because I know how you were raised, and because you are smart, and strong in what you believe. 
I hope you have a wonderful, (well not all that wonderful) college experience. I hope you know that whenever you need someone that I am always here for you (and i wont be on the phone :( ).  You will always have a bed, couch, or floor here.  I love you very much, and again, I am just so proud of you. I know you will be missed at home (who will load the dishwasher?) dearly. I know you will miss them too.  Just know that you are so loved, and again I am so proud of you.
I love you bitch.. <3

So, yes in many ways my baby is leaving for college.. but I know she'll do great.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


All my life I have been surrounded by boys, men, males, dudes,guys.  All my life.  I am the oldest of three, that is I am the only girl of three. I have two younger brothers. I have 3 sons. I have a father (sort of). I have an X. I had a husband. I have had mostly male bosses, even my favorite boss although a woman, was gay. I have babysat, they were even boys. I tutored BOYS.  I date, sometimes men, sometimes boys.  Anyway, my point is merely that I am surrounded by males of some sort.

You would think I'd have a better understanding of them, nope, I don't.

My 5 and now three quarter (he has made it quite clear that the three quarters is an extremely important part, dont forget the three quarters!!)year old is probably one of the funniest boys I know. He has this unending stream of energy. Most of it comes out of his mouth. He does not stop talking.. no, not ever!!!  This must be a gene that runs rampid in my house of boys.  My 13 year old ,  after the hour of 9pm  he does NOT shutup!!  It amazes me.  My 10 year old only speaks when he's in a good mood, I've yet to figure out how to keep him in a good mood, sometimes I'm glad, as he will be the one to be quiet. But when he starts, OMG, well let's just say it's hard to keep up,because everything is a joke.  One thing they all do is sing, they sing all day, about anything. Sometimes it's a song, I mean a real one. Sometimes it's about farts, macaroni, me, them, rainbows and unicorns, I don't know,  I just know they sing. They  sing in the shower, in the bathroom, in the car, in their beds, in the pool, in the movie theatre, let's just say they sing everywhere!!

I guess my question is when is it that they stop talking? When do the walls actually go up?  When do their communication skills go to shit? When do they stop expressing their feelings?   This is important to me for a few reasons. One, I am raising three of them,and I do not want to add to the list of shitty ones out there.  Two, on occassion I date them. Three, I am involved with my X,  and he is involved with my, i mean, our guys as well.

Communication could've been the fall of my marriage. Lack there of.
I think I figured that out for sure, when my X  was shocked by my want of a divorce.    So his question of "What, you want a divorce?, Really?  We haven't fought in so long?" was surprising.   My answer, was merely  "We haven't fought, because we haven't talked, not uttered a word to each other, nada, nothing...."      
Ok, there were other reasons, but my point here is communication.
I'm almost sure that when he was my, our boys' age he talked, unending blabber.. when did it stop?

My boys tell me everything... and with feeling. They communicate they tell me how they feel.  I know someday it will end. I have seen evidence of this. It makes me sad, I want them to be able to tell a girl (not yet!) how they feel. I want them to keep the lines of communication open. Women, girls, like this.

Today if my little guy likes me he says, "mommy you know what, I like you",.,,,  my older guy always says "mom, I love you",   middle guy always says but only at bedtime.. "i love you mom, i do."    Of course they're very free with the I hate yous, you stink, go away, i want to move out, as well.   But, they are communicating, showing their feelings.
Men need to take cues from boys when it comes to showing their feelings.  Why can't they just say I like you?  Why can't it just be a straight forward thing??  Or, I don't like you.  Something, anything.   It would, in my opinion make dating, relationships, even marriages a little better.
I am not by any means saying women are necessarily good at communicating, or talking about their feelings,  believe me, I have my moments.  I guess we all need to be better communicators, I guess my rant is basically about male communication for now.

Good in Everything..

Lately, I have been trying to find the silver lining in a cloud. Mother nature must have heard me, because she is certainly giving me enough material to work with.  I am still bothered by this insomnia. As I am learning I am definitely in a slump, a funk, down, blue, sad lately. I am trying to work on this. While looking for that lining I decided to see what wonderful (insert eye roll)  things could come from this Insomnia.  So here's what I've learned:
*They actually sell the perfect meatloaf pan. Really?  It looks like a cake pan, a loaf pan actually, I wonder if they think they are the first ones to invent this. My neighbor has had a "meatloaf pan" probably since my birth. I knew she should've marketed that.
*I learned how to french braid my bangs. I'm still a little rusty but doing it for a few nights and hours at a time, I think Ill be able to braid the guinea pig's hair soon too.
*I'm pretty good at search a word puzzles.. moving on to the big scary crossword ones soon.
*Facebook has some odd characters on at 2am.. if you are one of them, I apologize.
*All 3 of my boys talk in their sleep. Of course not necessarily at the same time but at points it does sound like a cackling bunch of girls.
*They make a Christmas Tree Chia Pet.. it even has a star on top of it.
*As of last night there are approximately 131 days till Christmas, better hurry up and get that Chia Pet
*Randy Pausch's book The Last Lecture is still inspiring after the 5th read.
*Insomnia causes Depression.... Depression causes Insomnia... sigh...
*Kangaroos cannot walk backwards... I'm pretty sure I can, but that will be for another night
*Bullfrogs are the only animal that do not sleep, I can attest to this as I am up in the middle of the night listening to them, they are QUITE annoying!!!!
*Eating celery burns calories.. this is my new 3 am snack
*Your breathing rate increases when you start to type..so you can imagine I sound like a panting dog in the desert right now
*For every human in the world there is approximately one chicken.. KFC should look into this
*Not one english word rhymes with month... I have tried, believe me!
*I really, really miss this person, and the longer I am awake the longer I miss him, I also find myself getting annoyed by this.
*I would really like to get drunk again soon, not messy sloppy drunk, just happy drunk
*I love, love my Ipod.. for those of you who do not know my oldest son bought it for me last month with his money.. sweetest thing ever.
*Listening to sad music, break up songs , love songs, you know those songs make me cry, but listening to happy upbeat dance music doesn't make me laugh.. I need to think about this one a little more.
*Chewing gum for an hour burns 20 calories, it also gets in your hair if you fall asleep with it in your mouth
*I have way too many tee shirts
*The train passes every single night I think it's about 2 am that I hear it, but I swear the other night it was closer to 4

So, I guess through this Insomnia/Depression thing I am becoming one smart girl.. sleep is really overrated..

Sunday, August 14, 2011


I did a very stupid thing last night. I hurt a very, very good friend.  I know she's reading, and I know she'll say it's OK, and she did when I apologized in person this morning. But, really it wasn't OK, and I still feel awful about it. I don't know if my apologizing on here is selfish, since it's a way to make me feel better, but I just feel it needs to be said again, and to be honest, it really isn't making me feel much better. 
So, to M, I am very sorry for what I did, or more importantly what I didn't do.  I have no excuses, and again I'm not going to try and make any up.  I love you, and I am sorry. I wish I could do last night all over again. I can't, so I can just do  better, or try harder next time.  I am sorry. 

And for what we talked about..  I know.. I know... I owe you big time!!!  :)

Saturday, August 13, 2011


Blogger block, and hangover, two things that must go hand in hand. I have nothing at  all to write, nothing to say, which if you know me is a tremendous oddity.  Ok, I'm sure I can write about how people are weird. How sad, or happy I am or neither. But the hangover is making me all dizzy and as I wait for a friend of mine to get out of the shower with her husband here getting ready to leave I wanted to type.  I don't know why. I don't know what the pull of the keyboard was for. Because, really I have nothing to say. All fuzzy, and dizzy today with nothing to say. Skinnygirl can do that to me,she really was Skinnybitch last night.  I guess in place of the calories she put weird stuff in there. My girlfriend says it's the herbs, the agave crap. I don't know, what I do know is two bottles of the herbs by yourself are way tooo much, and give a nasty dizzy feeling the next day, leaving me with bloggers block.
Hmmm, I'm still typing about nothing, I wonder if anyone is really reading this crap. Anyway, I put Bailey's in my coffee cause M's hubby who I will just refer to as my faux hubby said it would help take the edge off. I don't know if it did, but it was yummy.  I won't make that a habit though. In the attempt to numb some sadness last night I killed myself for the day after. The remedy ??  Do it again.  Yeah I ll do it again tonight. Ok, maybe not two bottles, maybe I ll try another poison.. see what that does to me. Maybe I'll just drink a little less, but I like feeling numb sometimes, feels good I think.. well really, I don't know because when you're numb you feel nothing.. I think the only way I know I felt numb is because I feel dizzy... so I guess tomorrow I'll know if tonight I feel numb... oh well, just another blog about absolutely nothing..

Friday, August 12, 2011

50 lb Pen

Two years ago today I signed my Divorce papers. I remember the day so well. Not because I was happy to move on, not because it was over. I remember it because it was sad, it was one of the hardest things I ever did in my life. My whole married life flashed before me. And my boys, oh my boys. They had no idea at that point. I remember my boys faces that day.   I remember the drive, I remember the weather, I remember sitting in her office. I remember how hard it was to keep those tears from falling. Yet, I never changed my mind. She said you don't have to do this, but I did, well I felt I did.  I felt I was ready. Are we ever ready? I thought about it for a long time, even though he wouldn't believe that.  I love my X, not in love with my X ( I hate cliches). He's my boys' dad, even if he's not the best, he tries.  It took me a long time to have any relationship with him, I'd like to think even though he still makes me nuts, and does and says things I'll never get, he's a decent guy. He gave me three of the best presents ever, and for that I'll always be grateful.  The thing is I signed, I never thought twice. I thought, but I never thought about not doing it, well not at that point. Not on that day.  I thought though that I was prepared, that I'd be all big and tough, not girlie, and just sign.  I thought that when I left I'd feel great relief.  To my dismay it was quite the opposite.  But I signed.  The weight of the pen was daunting.  It was like lifting a 50 lb weight with two fingers. I didn't think I'd be able to lift it, and yes it took many tears in that office, and many tries. But I signed.

Last night, I had  a bad night, a sad night. I said goodbye to someone I really really did not want to say goodbye to.  I knew going to meet him that it was going to happen.  I thought I was prepared. But, like my friend said, you were prepared,  but you like him, so it still hurts.  The point is as sad as I was, as sad as I am, I went. I knew what was going to happen but I went.

I think about that part of me, of people. Where do you get that strength?  To go when you know it's going to turn out in a way you soooo don't want.  Or to sign when you know it's going to be the hardest thing you'll ever do??  It is amazing to me that that strength lives inside of us.  I guess people are resilient even if they aren't emotionally intelligent. That's kind of a cool thing really.  I don't feel so strong today but it's the fact that I went, the fact that I signed that helps me remember that soon someday it will all be ok again.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Not about you..

OK, so it seems some people are thinking everything I write is about them. I have a lot of situations, relationships, friends, and such.. a lot of it is the same. I also have friends in situations, and relationships, and when they ask me my opinion, or advice I start to think about myself, and my situations. This too can lead to a post, a blog whatever.. it doesn't mean it's my current situation.. I look at my relationships with friends a lot like I do my relationships with guys. In other words I get sad over girlfriend relationships as well as boy  relationships.  Please take heed with what you read.  I write about a lot. Not all of it is necessarily about you even if you can relate.  Sometimes I say yes to things when I should say no, and I feel the need to say that ( ugghh ) my last post was just about that. About a situation I got myself into by being a yes girl (no, not that kind of yes girl) and I really need to take myself out of it.  Phew, ok, I feel better. I hope the person that asked me about the post reads this post and understands it was not meant for them.

El corazon..La cabeza..

Intuition- Knowing something without being able to explain how you came to that conclusion, rationally.
Gut feeling as I like to call it. My Gut is probably smarter than my Head and my Heart, and I hate it for that reason. I wish my Heart would smarten up. Take a class maybe??  My Gut could be the teacher.  My Head well that's another story, my Head is pretty smart too, much smarter than my Heart, but I seem to ignore it when I shouldn't, and listen to it at the wrong times.
I read an article once that said we need to use our heart for the emotional part, and the feeling, and then look to our head to smooth it out to rationalize it.  Maybe when I go for that cat scan to turn off the repeat button they could fix that too.
I try to fool myself into things sometimes too. I avoid all three of those parts, and use what I call my Stupid.  I'll date someone for longer than I should telling myself it will work out. I try eating something I hate because someday I'll like it because it's good for you, I say yes to things over and over figuring eventually I wont mind. My Stupid. I use it a lot.  The funny thing is I don't consider myself Stupid by any means.  My Stupid overrides my Heart, Head and Gut a lot.  Stupid.
My Gut is telling me I need to move on from a current situation, get out of it,  that in the end it will lead to nothing good, or productive anyway, so why bother.  I think I knew that when I started this situation, but went with my Heart and my Stupid. That combination is like a match put to gasoline. BOOM... always explodes. But I still do it.
So now I'm trying to listen to my Head and my Gut. A combination that will cause sadness for now, but probably wind up much better in the end.   The problem with this is I have very little good experience with it, and I hate the road to the end, to where it will be OK.   Hate it.
I envy people who have no feelings, who move on, create no connections to other people, who can throw themselves into their work till they feel better. I hate all of you!  I can't do that. I obsess, I'm an obsessor of all  that is evil.. and sad.... Sure I have good days, you know the ones where you get all mad, and like f**k him or her. I'm better. Those are the feelings I need to hold on to , because I am better. But.. then Heart is like "hellllooo, knock,knock  anyone home?"  I wish I could ignore the call, the knock, like I do in the "real world". Unfortunately that is one knock or call I can't ignore.
So, I'm going to work on this.. I'm going to try and kill the Stupid, ignore the Heart for a little while, welcome back the Head, and  embrace the Gut.  Now, I can tell you in all honesty that this will take a long time, so don't expect a post on  wow I did it. But , maybe someday, maybe a little, maybe one day at a time. We can pretty much learn anything I think, I mean I do know a few words in a few different languages..

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Solitude in (the) John

Today's been interesting so far.  Went shopping no not for food, for freakin socks, mmm hm. Socks.
I have a bunch of crazy people  company coming over for the weekend, to add to the crazy people,  people that already live here.  So we need to clean up.
Well it's bad enough being stuck in the house with my 3 men of company, but now they will be expected to help out. Ha Ha!  The neighbor tells me "you aren't strict enough, make them do it, make them listen", Yes she knows this because growing up I  always listened. She was really good at it, yeah ok, whatever.
I feel they are my responsibility, I ll figure it out.
So, I give out random jobs, nothing they've never done before. But I swear they must have a touch of dimentia, or alzheimers sometimes.  MOM  where do you keep the vaccum????
WHAT  dust with WHAT???   Do we have to clean the whole room?? No one sees it mom!!
How come he can do that, and I have to do this??
OK, it's freakin Hell people.    This is why I do this myself, and prefer it. Who can get anything done when you have to answer them 100 times.  So I decided to ignore them. That didn't work either, they just screamed louder.  
OMFG... do you know what I did finally ,  finally I came to my damn senses.

I hid in the bathroom. Yup, took the Ipod a magazine and a bottle of water. Locked the damn door, stuck the earphones in my ears and took a long sip, and a long sigh... now I still heard them, but it was muffled. Muffled was way better.  I liked it in there, I even cleaned it up a bit, sang a bit, shit I felt like breaking into a dance..
The bathroom.... next time though Im bringin some Skinnygirl.. yeah that would be nice....

Guinea Pigs and Relationships

A few months back my oldest son wanted a guinea pig. Well, ok, not true hes wanted a pet, a dog for sometime, we did have one, that's another story. Anyway he settled for a guinea pig. This guinea pig, Scott, is not such a bad pet actually. I will say I was against it, but he paid for it along with his dad, so ok I caved.  He can become a stinky fat guy,but in his defense it's not really him, it's his living quarters. If you follow me on FB you know I have tried to take care of this guy by even sitting in a vet's office and suffering from all of the ahem, adorable cats and dogs there, that I am highly allergic too, but as always I digress. Anyway all these people love their animals, and I know my son loves Scott,how could I resist, now between us I think the ridiculous amount of money I paid for this visit was a joke. I mean the visit was almost 5 times the cost of the animal!  Really??  Ok, but again, he loves him, and secretly I kinda like him too, well except for the occasional nip here and there when I try to feed him..   My point. It's coming.
Pets, people love em.  They are a responsibility. They as I've tried to teach my son are a responsibility until they are dead and buried, ok, I wasn't so harsh, but you get the idea.
They take time, love, money,maintenance.. no matter what other responsibilities we have to take care, or they stink.  

Relationships are kinda like that too. All kinds, require the occasional phone call, or text, or visit. If we want a friendship to last we have to keep up with it. You can't let too much time pass with no communication.   Life has a funny way of getting in the way of Life.  We have to find ways to find the time. Not just in the beginning, but through the whole relationship, otherwise like Scott they start to stink.. and sometimes no cleaning will get rid of that smell.   Everyone is busy, and nobody should think their time is more important than anyone else's. If you care about someone, or that relationship you have to put the time into it even if it is just a little bit. Little things mean a lot, I know everyone has heard that , it's so true. You know that call, "hey I know it's Monday and you hate Mondays.. thinking of you"....  the text  " hi hon, just want you to know I heard a song, and thought of you"... how bout crazy things  like an email, a stop by for a half hour even if you have to travel.  A flower to a friend who maybe is having a hard time, or just because...  So many ways to do this. I have friends girls, guys  that live so far away, some I haven't seen in eons, but we keep in touch as minimal as it may be I know that if I need to go to NY, or SI  I have somewhere to go where arms will be open. It's an awesome feeling.
I think it goes hand in hand with communication. Never assume someone won't understand, I think people are a hell of a lot more understanding then we give them credit for.  
My X used to go out straight from work to hang out with friends, and not tell me. I'd worry where he was, (well in the beginning anyway),if something happened. Nope, he just didn't as he said want to hear my mouth, you know that maybe just maybe I had a bad day and needed him home. He never thought that maybe just maybe I'd have understood. How can someone be understanding if they don't know what they are supposed to be understanding??

Litter mixed with pee smells nasty.. maintenance keeps it away.. relationships I think are so much easier when we realize they are work, if you know you don't have time for it don't get the guinea pig.  He'll be fine at Petco, someone else will love him, if you take him home and you let Life get in the way he's going to get hurt, take him home love him up, feed him, clean up after him, he'll do just fine.. except when you turn the vaccum on and get to close... but you know what I mean..

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Come 'n ride the train..

I have this thing about music. I don't think I'm the only one by far. I think I'm just the only one silly enough to write about.
Music has always been there for me. It can evoke a feeling in me that I hadn't had in awhile, one that I've missed, one that I didn't even know I had.  Certain songs if I hear them at certain times I  run to shut them off!  Like someone running to catch a train for a job interview. Sometimes if I really want to hear one I'll run that fast as well. Crazy, I know.
I have particular songs that remind me of someone, or sometime that really bring up thoughts.. not that this is an all too hard task.Some...

*My Wish by Rascal Flatts,  this one I dedicate to my boys, and at certain points in their lives I'd like to play it for them, maybe even dance with them to it if they'll allow me that special day.
*Just A Kiss by Lady Antebellum    that's my business
*Africa by Toto  to my whole 7th grade class especially a good friend, Marie, her and I used to listen to that song over, and over at her house.
*Iridescent  by Linkin Park to myself
too many to me to list
*Come'n Ride It The Train by Quad City Dj's  OMG  my girlfriend's bachelorette party umm I know one gf who is reading this right now and will start pullin on the train cord as soon as she reads it.. what an awesome time,,, now that I think about it maybe not one I should be telling about..
*any and all John Denver reminds me of my parents, long car rides with them and my brothers
*How Much is That Doggie in The Window.. ok , i know not on the radio, but I hear it in my head a lot, and only in my grandmother's accent, she used to sing it in the car when I was a little girl
*West Side Story  any song.. reminds me of 7th grade..
You get the idea.  Music. Very important in my life..
I really don't know the purpose of this post, oh well, just felt like it...

But what he don't know is how hard it is to make it look so ... Easy...

Nail Pops

I'm a thinker by nature. Maybe even an overthinker, I analyze,and scrutinize till it hurts, till there's nothing else to think about. Till I've thought every ounce out of it. Like squeezing a big rectangular sponge till it's completely bone dry and useless.
Lately, I 've been thinking about the word settling.  I 've always thought of it as a bad word, something you don't do. But, is it really bad? I mean I've heard the word used in different ways, maybe it's getting a bad rap.
When I bought my house they recommended not painting until the house was done settling because you'd get all those ugly nail pops and then have to repaint. The house settling, that's not bad. I mean it's kind of like it has to get used to its foundation, find the right fit, get comfortable in its own skin.
Jello settles. I mean you can't eat it at first it has to find its right consistency its perfect texture, shape fit to the bowl sort of thing. Then you can really enjoy it, doctorate up a bit  with some Reddi Whip. It just needs its time.
People seem happy when arguments or disagreements or financial issues are settled. "Ah, now there, that's settled", then there's usually a deep breath you know like a sigh...

I don't know I mean is settling really a bad thing??  I like the idea of comfort, of fitting in, of knowing someone really cares , or is always there.  You know like Jello where you fit snug as a bug like that bowl is your only happy place. Once you dig in it seems all sad and disrupted.  Settling,is it really the worst thing as long as it's not all bad, right?  I mean not everything is all good all the time.  Could you just settle and be happy?  Could you go back to that place, is it worth it?  Could it be that bad? I mean if you go back you kinda know what you're in for. You know what to expect, none of this wondering crap, it's kind of like well yeah I knew that would happen.
As long as the person is pretty much decent, not a murderer, so what if he doesn't like rollercoasters, or can't stay awake late, or is boring, or quiet?  In the end is that the most important?  Is settling for that comfort really bad?
Or do we stay on the journey, the path that we chose to take, the hard one, not the one that looks like the one in "The Wizard of Oz" where the munchkins welcome you but the one where the witch wants to turn you into a fireball. I mean we all know Oz is just a little green man himself, and really he can't do much once your there. Maybe we should settle a little more, maybe somewhere between the munchkins and the Witch.. I don't know.

Maybe I should just stop thinking.. maybe I should just hold off on  painting my walls just yet, and wait for the nail pops.

I don't know... maybe....

Monday, August 8, 2011

Anyone know a Brain Surgeon??

Lather, rinse, repeat, lather, rinse, repeat.. everyone knows what that is.
It's the word repeat I'm stuck on. repeat.. repeat .. repeat...

I need a shuffle button on my brain, like the one on my Ipod. The one that mixes up the songs instead of playing them in the same old order. I already have the other button you know when you want to hear the same song over and over. Which might I add I do that a lot too. I am doing it as we speak (or as I type). I think I 've listened to this song now mmmm.. about 12 times.. and that's ok... It's ok because Im  choosing, consciously choosing to listen to it over and over.

But my brain man you'd think I'd have more control over that.. I don't.  It's on repeat constantly.  One thing over and over. It could be anything.. work, kids, money, relationships.. whatever.. but when it starts I can't make it stop.  Why can't I have control over my own brain?? I mean it's mine, no one else has one quite the same I'm sure. It's not even something you can lend out. If I could then I could blame someone else for getting the button stuck. But, nope, no can do..I've tried everything to make it stop.. writing, talking, TV, eating, walking, running, showering, damn even sleeping. I wake up and POOF  it's on. Really??  Thank God the electric company doesn't charge for this.. hmmm.. they probably would if they knew.
I'm wondering if a cat scan would help? Maybe the button would show up in there, and McDreamy or someone like him could just flick, shut it off. It probably wouldn't take long.. just a little flick of a button.

Maybe I could find a brain surgeon who needs some experience??

Squiggly Lines

Already I feel like quitting this blog. That's the odd thing about me, I get involved with something, and then soon on I feel like quitting. As a side note, I do that with lots of things even people, hey, I'm a work in progress.
Anyway, I don't feel like writing today. I always write, I have papers, and notebooks full of quotes from movies, books, songs, TV shows ..etc. The only thing keeping me writing is because so many friends are reading, and wow, I feel so good from the things you've been telling me. Never thought so many people would think I had anything of "worthiness" to say, so thank you.
But, I don't feel like writing today. I jot things down, I take notes, I write letters, even text (which nowadays is writing). If you haven't figured it out I write a lot, all the time. But I don't feel like writing today.
I don't feel organized today. I'm not an organized person, I'm more like an organized mess, my closets, drawers, thoughts, relationships.. organized mess, that's me.  I ramble, but I don't feel like writing today.
I even doodle, I always doodle, my 13 year old laughs, "what the heck is that?" , "ummm, a doodle??"   "mom, you're drawing hearts.. "  , "yes, I'm drawing hearts, go away."
Even my doodles aren't organized.. but do doodles really have to be organized?? Does it matter if you draw a heart while screaming at your son to go away?  or a puppy when you're allergic to them??  I guess it really doesn't matter. What does that mean though? If you're hating someone or something and you're drawing hearts??  Hmmm.. something to think about, a freudian thought maybe? I don't know..
Today, I just  don't feel like writing, I don't feel like much of anything, maybe doodling, maybe just some squiggly lines...
Yeah, squiggly lines.... that's today,  a squiggly line kinda day..

happy squiggling...

Sunday, August 7, 2011

I'm Letting My Hair Grow

I know these 2 people, one is about 17ish, and the other one is in her early 40's. They are both great, and obviously very different. I will refer to the younger one as Hope, and the older one as Faith.
Hope is still very young. She is carefree with a lot of things.  She gets things done but maybe at a slower pace than women older than her. Faith on the other hand is like a machine! If it needs to get done it gets done. I've seen her clean a house, feed a family and chauffeur the kids around in less then an hour, and it's done right. She amazes me.
Hope-still likes boys, rollercoasters, having a catch, watching TV, rainbows, stuffed animals, and gummi bears. She believes in crazy mad love. She constantly thinks with her heart.
Faith on the other hand is smart, she thinks with her head. She's more logical, less emotional. She has kids, they are well taken care of, super kids. Actually she's like a Super Mom. Balances the checkbook perfectly, takes care of the plumbing, the cooking, the cleaning. She goes to school meetings, she works, does their HW, puts bandaids on their knees. Takes care of them, and her parents maybe not herself though.
Hope takes care of herself a little more.  She, even though more carefree, worries. She worries about her hair, her clothes, who likes her, what people think about her. Her heart is more open, and she gets it broken a lot.  She's trying to let her hair grow long, and lose weight.
Faith has no time for these trivial things like hair, boys, and clothes.  She usually has toothpaste or food on her shirt, and no time to change it.  She knows her hair looks better short and has given up on braids and ponytails.  

I love both of them very much. Someday I'll introduce Hope and Faith. I ll let them be friends.  That will be the day I won't worry,or care  that others may find it an odd relationship....

Hope- A dream of what is wanted or needed.
Faith-Can turn that dream into reality.

Fat Pictures

When funny conversations happen, and even in my depressed state they do  I'm like an Eeyore and a Tigger all in one... and I have a computer nearby I can't help but write...

Why do friends put up bad pictures of  their friends on FB??   I mean really?? Seriously??  Why?
I think there must be some hidden meaning behind this.  Just trying to figure out what it is. I take awful, awful pictures.  If you know me you know when someone takes a picture of me I scrutinize and crop the shit out of it .My X hated this, he used to get so mad at me.. "show it to mom boys, let her check it out", and then he'd take it 50 more times. I try to be one of those people who can make goofy faces and stuff, no awful..Im even going to try and post proof of that on here,just to prove I CAN laugh at myself people!!!

But friends should know this. It's like a rule, one of those you know don't date your best friends ex no matter how  much money he has, sort of rule.
Do they do it to make you look bad?? M and I believe this is why. They 'in pictures' want you to look bad. Is it some sort of jealousy thing???  You know, like  haha  look what shit she looks like??  And how do you get them down??  Do you ask the friend ?  Is that rude?? Do I care if it's rude??? Not so much.

Are they a true friend?? Or one of those friends that will let you have the conversation with the hot guy while you have spinach stuck to your front tooth??  And how do you trust these people especially when they have cameras around??  Friends.... a strange thing.
I guess you can do it to them you know  take pictures that are odd, awful, or the all too common i look fat picture, and post them on FB...

Hmmm. or you can blog about it......

Freaky Friday or Blogging about Nothing

I lost 2lbs. this week, I think it was just in my chest though, my heart, falling out.
This happens a lot. As Taylor Swift as I can be, and as funny as I can be. I can be downright depressing as well, that's why I put the Caution blog up.  I'm at a point in my life that I don't really care if people don't like it or are intimidated by it.  Besides, no one should be intimidated by me. My kids aren't.

Anyway, the 2lbs....  Again no concrete reasons, just mere intuition, gut feeling stuff.  Am I the only one like this? I mean really it's like that movie Freaky Friday, have I been taken over by a 17 year old girl??  Feels like it sometimes.
Most of you reading this are probably married.. sorry.. kidding..just  trying to keep my sanity. Due to your marriage you probably can't relate. But if you think back to pre marriage maybe you can.. maybe a little?
I think I'm getting carried away with this blogging stuff... it's my new drug.. i think that's ok though. I must say I do feel a little better getting it out there.  Not sure you do .. but hey this is about ME not you! and you only have to read it (or not)  I get to live it!
A friend of mine started a Haternation group on FB.. she put me in as a member, and I love that!! Thanks D! Another place for me to hate.. where I can be accepted.
Oh well.. I'm really hoping to put those 2lbs back on...


*violently separated into parts: shattered
*made weak, crushed, sorrowful
*not complete or full
*to defeat or be defeated
*to bring to an end......

Just because.

A Monkey Riding A Bicycle

Things in this house are constantly disappearing.  I know, and am sure, of the people that live in this house.  I have not seen any ghosts.. wellll that's not really true, but that's another blog.
The top 4 items missing, socks, remotes, library books, and pencils.
SOCKS- If everyone reading this gets together we could have a sock gathering. I'm sure we'd come up with many pairs. It could be like a dating service for socks.  Shit, can't be any worse than Match, and Eharmony, and people are joining those things all the time..

PENCILS-I buy boxes, boxes, and boxes of pencils. As a teacher good old fashioned yellow #2 pencils are always here. They all have nice pretty pink erasers at the top, some work some leave those ugly black marks, ok I digress. Yes we always have pencils...NO, NO we never have pencils! Where the hell do they go?? Do they eat them, sell them, give them to their friends, have a pencil stand on the corner???  I cannot for the life of me figure out why we never have a damn pencil in this house..Teachers, this year I'm trying this, "Guys, if you don't have a pencil don't do your HW"  My boys will cry..no they really will, -if you know them you know they'll cry, my nephews not so much-   and teachers when they tell you their crazy ass mother said this, it's true, we had no pencils I didn't feel like buying more, no hw done..

REMOTES- This one totally boggles my mind. 5 TVs one remote. WTH are they??  I've even helped in the search.. nothing, nada, zip.  Really??? Who is here with us,who is playing this cruel joke. It's so annoying having one remote. You know it's not like when I was little these tv's are different they require a remote. Probably the reason we're all fat, ..we should blame Samsung.  When middle guy goes to bed he needs the remote,he brings it up, I have to bring it down. He comes down, mom I need the remote there's a scary show on,Ok, take it, I go up I get it, ok, you see how this goes. I guess that's like having one of those old TV's where you get up to change the channel.

LIBRARY BOOKS- The neighbor takes little guy to the library all the time, he is a phenom when it comes to reading,(takes after mom, heehee), He seriously read "The Help" over my shoulder.
However, he loses books, oh wait no he doesn't lose them, they fall in the hole with the socks and the pencils and the remotes.
Here's what happens when they go missing..
Neighbor  -UMM, Kathy, have you seen that library book 'Curious George Rides a Bike'?
N-Well I got a letter today that it's missing.
Me-ok   (this is where she begins to get pissed)
N-you gonna look for it?
N-well, fine i guess i will, do you think little guy knows where it is?
Me-ummmm, nope
N-Can I look?
Me-sure have a party..
N- i can't find it, you know you really need to be more responsible, you lose everything,don't you think it's time to get your act together??
N-Im going home
Me-ok, btw, if you go to the store today could you get me milk??
N-  .... door  SLAM
Yeah, missing things cause issues around here!!

Today, I'm here alone, and dammit, maybe she's right I'm missing two pairs of black shorts. I need these shorts, I wear them when I go walking or on the treadmill or running.  What I do not need is another excuse not to do these things. But man where are these freakin shorts??  I looked everywhere! Please if you know my boys, or my neighbor don't tell them because they do not need to know that my perfection train has fallen off the tracks... i really want these shorts though..

I have come up with the explanation,
"Curious George took off on his bicycle wearing my shorts, and the boys socks.  He is probably carrying a yellow book, and maybe a TV remote.  I'm sure he has pencils, and he's probably using them to write "HAHA"

Yep, that's gotta be it...

Saturday, August 6, 2011


hmm.. OK, so I just realized putting all this stuff out there in cyberspace, and letting many people that know me read it.. may or may not be a good thing.
So, here's what I'm asking.. if you see me at the pool, at the preschool, at the supermarket don't judge me, or runaway from me.. I'm harmless. And, a little secret... i was always like this....
Dont unfriend me on FB unless you really want to.
If you only want to laugh, STOP reading, I'm not always funny, or happy.
If you want to know me, the real me keep following.
I guess if you decide you don't like me that's ok too....
*i'll more than likely still like you*   maybe just one taylor swiftish blog about you... just one....

I'm not Tigger today

"Good morning, Eeyore," said Pooh.
"Good morning, Pooh Bear," said Eeyore gloomily. "If it is a good morning, which I doubt," said he.
"Why, what's the matter?"
"Nothing, Pooh Bear, nothing. We can't all, and some of us don't. That's all there is to it."
"Can't all what?" said Pooh, rubbing his nose.
"Gaiety. Song-and-dance. Here we go round the mulberry bush."
Winnie the Pooh

I'm not always an Eeyore, I'm not. really. If you know me you know that's true. But days like today, I get him, I feel like him. I kinda like him, I kinda like him a lot. He's honest. If he doesn't want to smile he doesn't. Why do you have to smile, and be all peppy pants if you don't feel like it anyway? Why can't you sometimes be a debbie downer, a louie loser, a sappy mcsappy pants? Ok don't ask where these words are coming from , I must've heard them somewhere. Funny when my fingers hit the keyboard.. it's like a purge, a big long purge..
Anyway... I don't want to smile today. I did though. I actually laughed at something really stupid. It felt good for the minute, now I'm back to Eeyore. Why can't that be OK? I mean it's not really ok with me,but that's my problem.  Why can't it be OK with other people??  I mean I'm not asking anyone to come into my Eeyore dom  with me.. as a matter of fact I prefer you didn't I like being Eeyore ish alone.  
I often wonder if everyone who is smiling is smiling because they want to be smiling or because the rest of us want them to smile.  Well, I think smiling today is stupid. I don't want to smile, and seriously I don't care who disagrees with me.
I'm almost sure not everyone is smiling, and good for you!  Be strong, don't smile!  Be in a crappy, blackhole day today, listen to sad songs, cry, watch sad movies, cry some more, hit something, not something woosie like a pillow, hit a wall, lay in bed, for goodness sakes frown.. good for you!   
I know someone who smiles all the time, he's like the damn cheshire cat. That cannot be normal.. really?  I am more leary of those people than the ones that can just say life sucks sometimes. Positivity is great, but really all the time? Puke!  and might I add ...bo ..ring....Don't get me wrong I don't mean all the time, but sometimes it's really really ok to be a negative nellie. It is.
Today my life sucks, and now the purge...
1. i have nothing to eat in this house, not even a pop tart that I like
2. it's raining, yay for the grass, crap for me
3.i miss someone
4.i forgot to feed Scott 
5.i'm alone,which is ok, but sucks even for an Eeyore today
6.today's my brother's bday,and i forgot to call, gotta fix that one later
7.taylor swift; i am more than certain a specific Chef is laughing his ass off at me today.. 
8.i left my bathing suit on the deck
9.woke up too early, fell asleep too late
10.i miss someone
11.i sound like a loser, im not!
12.i tripped going up the stairs
13. i cut myself shaving, yes M again!!
14.i dropped my peanut butter and jelly,jelly side down
15. i have no more freakin bread
16.my shins.. see last post
17.heart breakinggggg
18.the weekend isn't over yet
19.the weekend is almost over

purge.. done.
*I think people like the funny me, but are afraid of the other me*

Ever have one of those days? Those days where nothing you do can shut your mind off?  I went walking today, I walked for almost 2 hours. I've heard coaches say walk it off all the time.  I tried walking it off, I mean I really tried.  I had a few moments of smiles, the old man in the biker shorts, the happy couple with the baby, the little girl playing with her guinea pigs, and the young guy mowing the lawn.  Yeah I had moments. Just moments.
I know I'm an adult, but I'm kind of living in a teenage girl's world sometimes. It's a hard world. I know we tell them it will get better, this is not the worst, you'll get over that boy. I right now, apologize to all teenage girls that I ever said that to.
Today is the Taylor Swift concert, I can't help thinking about her, and how she's Fearless in singing about anyone  who has done her wrong or right. The guy she loves, likes, hates. I love that about her. We as her audience try to figure out who she's singing about. John Mayer? Taylor Lautner?  When they hear it they know it is being sung to them. Lots of people are reading this..  
I'm sad today, borderline I want to puke from sadness. Feeling almost broken, defeated once again, and really for no good reason.  Well for no good concrete reason, nothing has happened.  But, it is happening. I feel it, I know it. I've been here before.  and secretly I hope I'm wrong..not just hope but big wish on a star, wish on an eyelash,wish when  the clock says 11 11  kinda hope. Im wishing to be wrong..
Ever jump in the pool really quick and then wish you hadn't? Ever say yes to someone's favor,then wish you didn't?  Ever said something in the heat of passion, anger, happiness then wish you'd kept your mouth shut?
I think that is what happened, I think maybe that's what they did.  I think.
Dating is so hard. I don't fall all that easy. But when I do I fall hard. I don't mean in love, I just mean taken by someone, enamored, charmed..I think I've always been that way. I like to have a heart wide open, I like the feeling of letting someone in. I don't like the feeling of them falling out. But, sometimes they go hand in hand.

I know I'm not ready to get married, to live with someone again, I don't know that I ever will be.
I know I am ready to be in like with someone again, I'm certainly ready to be liked that way again. I've had a taste of it lately, I liked it.  I want to keep that, but I don't think I am, I don't really know why.
I'm a girl, and any guy who thinks they will meet a girl who is just strong, and confident all the time is mistaken. I am a girl, I do silly girl things, I can be needy, emotional, crazy.. just as I can be strong, bitchy, sane, and a grown up.. but I'm still a girl. I like to be reassured. I like to hear I miss you,I'm thinking of you, I just want you.   Any girl who says she isn't those things is a liar. Any guy who thinks we aren't is stupid.
I like this guy, he's a great guy. But today I'm sad. Today I'm sensing something is different, ok maybe not just today.. maybe the past day or so.  I don't really know why. I just know. I miss him, everything about him, even his cockiness that I like so much. . I feel like I can't say I miss you, or thinking of you anymore.I don't hear them lately either.  I don't know why,or  what it is that has changed. But, I still like that guy I met in the bar, I like that guy who said such amazing things. He has amazing eyes, and an amazing smile too.  I miss him today, I'm afraid I may have to miss him for many more days.
I hope not, not yet.. I'd like more chances..

I think Taylor would be proud.

Pay attention to the Blips

This morning, yes I've been up awhile, sitting on my deck with my coffee, I noticed a man walking with his little girl. How sweet, she had a bounce in her step,and they were holding hands. This post can go so many ways right now, and I'm noticing it's going in a way I did not plan. Such is my life, never goes according to "the plan". It's like in the supermarket when I tell my 13 year old I just need bread, and by the time we get to the checkout the bags don't fit in the wagon..  He asked, mom do you ever just buy bread?  Nope, I never just buy bread. My brain is not wired like that. Anyway, the little girl.

I realized I was never that little girl. I have a dad, a man, a figure of some sort. Sadly, I think a figure that I'm not sure I want to be or be with. I don't think he likes me either. I have come to terms with this. NO violins please.  It's just a fact, just another part of who I am. 
I never went to father daughter dances, never was daddy's little girl, I think my mom said he brushed my hair when I was little.. I don 't remember.  Anyway, we don't speak, we haven't in many years,and when we do it isn't usually pretty. I say what I mean, and don't always mean what I say, but it gets me into trouble. Mostly I try to keep my mouth shut for the sake of Mom, he'll bitch to her that I'm a bitch. He yells a lot, at her, but he's so nice to others. By others I mean the neighbors, M, the sanitation guys, the Mexicans working construction, the cashiers, Maureen-the lady at the gym he goes to, just not nice to me, well not usually. 
There are times, like blips on a radar where I think wow, maybe he does like me. For instance my mom told me he once told her to get me a subscription to the newspaper because he knew I needed the coupons.  Or when he helped my X move out so it would be quicker.  Blips. Important blips.
My brothers have a harder time with him, they crave a relationship with him, you know the kind where the dad and the son throw the ball around, they never had that. But the funny thing is he talks to them now. It's weird, I live next door, but he doesn't talk.
He's getting older, he's kind of healthy.. I wonder will I miss him?  I wonder how it will feel?  Am I that much of an awful person if it doesn't hurt? Now, the ironic part- I will miss him, it will hurt.  What will I miss?  Probably just that hopeful feeling I always get in every part of my life, the one that goes like this...maybe he'll call later..maybe ill see him tomorrow... the hopeful part of what could happen later or tomorrow.  
Only, with my dad even though I've tried I don't think that hopeful part will come.  It will only come in little blips.
I danced with my dad at my wedding, I remember it, I remember how hard I cried. I think it was probably just because that was my father daughter dance that I missed when I was 5.  I got it at 26.   It was a blip, a blip that no matter what  happened after that day   I got it..  he liked me that day. 

Friday, August 5, 2011

Peanuts, Pregnancy, and Little Boys

In an attempt to brighten my mood, I decided to ask M for some funny antics in my Life, so I could share.
Here's a good one.

Picture this,three years ago, I was still married,  nice night, pizza, beer, laughing, my boys,friends over for a nice Friday night.

Middle Guy is the skinniest boy you'll ever meet, he's also very simple, naive, sweet, lovable , empathetic, kind, loving.. and sometimes, well sometimes a little bit dramatic, and anxious. This night would prove to be one of his biggest hits. He was 7.
Now, in no way am I poking fun at him. He's my son, I love him to death,but you will soon see why this night was so hard to not laugh at him. Did I say I love him? I love him to pieces.
It starts like this:   "Mom, my stomach hurts"
"Go to the bathroom"  standard mom answer.
"mom, Im trying, but it really hurts"
"you ll be fine", with this, like a blur, he runs out of the bathroom, next, I hear the front door open and then silence, then the phone ringing...
"umm hi, (it's the neighbor, my mom, the place they run when their mom has no compassion left), did you know T was here?"    
"um, no but I assumed'
"he's crying that his stomach hurts, I told him to go to the bathroom ( like I said standard mom answer)
" I'll be right there" ( I excuse myself )
"mom, mom  (crying, screaming)... it hurts, mom, it hurts (as a sidenote the boy ate almost a whole jar of peanuts)....  look at my stomach it's so big  (that would be bloated)... what is it mom?  Mom, I think I'm having a baby!!"
Ok, now understand I did have a beer or two, and even if I didn't come on...
"what T?  Honey, you're fine, I promise, you aren't having a baby."
"mom, I am, I am, how does it get out?? will it hurt??"   Ok, now Dr. Spock or Phil or someone may have seen this as an opportune time to have the talk..me I had to leave. If I did not run out of that house at that very moment my middle guy would have always remembered his mom peeing in hysterics at him.. this would not be good.   Of course my mom, thinks this is awful, "you're leaving him"  no I wasn't leaving him I was saving him from a lifetime of added therapy to the already  large amount he'd need from thinking he was having a baby.

Ok, I now go share with the X and the neighbors, who by now are dying in hysterics..
I go back...
"mom, mom.. Can you call a dr.?"
"honey, I'm sure you're going tobe ok."
"what do you know, you aren't a doctor, please mom, please... how is it going to come out?, what do I do will it hurt?" ( like the fuckin dickens!!).    "call the ambulance mommy please"
"ok, honey boys don't have babies'
"sometimes they do, you don't know"
"sweetie, I know, I am soo sure of this, you're ok, it's probably the peanuts"
"the what?"
"honey, all the peanuts you had probably just gave you a belly ache, that s why it looks bigger."
(quieting down).."are you sure mommy?" (still on the toilet)   "really sure?"
"hon i am so sure.'
"Ok, mom if it still here in the morning can we call Dr. S  and ask him how the baby will get out?"
"absolutely babe"

and the Press, local news channels, maybe even Oprah...


Timing.. so important.  Probably the most important thing in getting a job, going to school, buying a house, being or not being in a relationship, ask anyone who bought their houses before the bubble or the ones who are right now trying to sell,  timing is everything.
Timing in my life sucks!! It always has. This bothers me because as a control freak, it is something I cannot control. It doesn't bother me because I know it isn't my fault, yay! Something that really may not be my fault, just the fault of the Gods. Still, it sucks, my timing sucks.

I am finally ready, not to get married, or be a mom to a guy, or to his kids but ready to open my heart, to tell it all, to air my dirty laundry, (which might I add is piled on the floor near my washer), to be vulnerable again! Ready!  Where are all the ready people that are supposed to be welcoming me with open arms? Here one minute gone the next.. Timing you suck!
I met a guy once.. a great guy, we had so much in common, even GLEE seriously this is rare.. I was ready.. so was he .. YEAH OKKK!!  He acted as though he was ready, as though our timing had been aligned by the stars.. wow, my timing was on!!  Yeah , till his was off. Then he disappeared..  Timing... I moved on, I got over it, it took a long time. I did a lot of stupid girl things, I could've been the girl in "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days",   I chalked it up to timing..
I seem to meet a lot of those guys. Why??  I think if it ever comes to me actively doing Match again, Im going to ask to only date guys that have had about 20 girlfriends, after their divorce of 20 years. If you know anything about Match you know those odds are just as great as meeting one.

Timing- I need a job. Don't get me wrong I teach preschool , I love it. To the moms that read my blog, I love your kids. They make me smile, laugh, I play with them, they're great, and I whole heartedly mean that. That is why I went into teaching.  The issue is just the money.  But, again, if you know anything about being an educator right now, well you are shit out of luck...  Timing.

My little guy is starting Kgn.  He missed the cutoff last year, had it been the same as NY he'd be going to first grade right now. He's so smart, and so great... I'd have been able to volunteer in his class this past year if  he were in kgn as I would not have had a job. Timing- I got a job, he starts school I can't volunteer.

All in all my timing just seems to suck. I hope G d has an awesome plan for me, I hope I can find that, see it, I hope when it shows  my timing will be spot on.....


So many of my friends have been curious about these blogs.. Thank you.  Some have asked why I'm doing it, I guess I can answer that..or what I am blogging about..I can answer that too...

I love to write. I think that I write better than I speak, by this I mean I can get more across in written form than in spoken.  All day I have tons of thoughts filling up my mind, and many times I feel like I have nowhere to put them. I 'm going to put them here.  Some funny, but not all. I don't always feel "funny".. you'll know the difference if you keep reading. Maybe you'll even find I've blogged about you.. you'll only know if you read.

If you don't blog you can put your email address in that little white bar to your right. Follow the simple directions. Nope, your email will not be there forever, and no one will see it but you. You will then be ahem, notified when I  post. Just a warning though.. I  LOVE to write. I have lots of free time till September. I have lots of thoughts funny, and sad in my head right now, you WILL be notified.

Comments, if I have set this up right anyone can leave one, just click the little comment thingie at the bottom of the post you want to comment on. I'd love, love to hear what you have to say, or something to help me out, or make me feel better, a simple hi, your crazy whatever.

At this point in my life I am thankful for you guys, you 're giving me the confidence to do this, to write, and let everyone read it.. I need that boost right now.. more than you know...  :)


Sometimes, I just wish I weren't so smart, so intuitive. Wish I were stupid, naive, ignorant.. just sometimes.

Dad's Days

This is my weekend off. To those of you with children, and married that means in our house it's "Dad's Days".
They start around 7pm on Friday, and end on Sunday at 6pm. These weekends are weird for me.

Do I enjoy them? Sometimes. I used to be afraid to say that. I am not anymore. Yes, I do sometimes enjoy Dad's Days.  Enjoying  some solitude does not mean I don't miss my kids. I miss them, I miss their voices, I miss their hugs, their fighting, and yup even the pee and toothpaste. I miss them.

But mostly what I hate is the fact that when I have nothing planned on Dad's Days for me, I can get a little melancholy. Like, I feel like I have to be out, doing something. If I'm alone I worry why I'm alone, do I have no life outside of my boys? And if this is so what will become of me later on in life.  OK, maybe I don't worry that far in advance. But those days can become solemn.  To the average mom who never gets a break you probably don't understand that, and I don't expect you to. I didn't.

I watch movies, I clean, I relax on the deck, eat cereal for dinner, write, drink some Skinnygirl. I try to fill the hours when I don't have plans.   Sometimes I visit mom for dinner. I have people I like to see, or that I'd like to see. Their weekends do not always coincide with mine, just another part of divorce I guess.

Sometimes these weekends go by very fast, and sometimes believe it or not they are torture. I am going to work on that too.

Dad's Days... just another thing you learn to like .. just another thing  you have to Deal with ..

Oh Well...

I am a bit sad today. Tomorrow, I and M and M's daughter would have been going to the Taylor Swift concert. To some that is nothing. But, I love her, I love her music, I love her nerve. I love what her songs say...anyway..

A guy,we'll call him Chef, that I dated not too too long ago bought me a lot of nice things. Most I got to keep. Not my tickets. He bought me 3. He held on to them. Now, normally I'm not that stupid but this time I was.
I was thinking of calling him and asking him for them.. keep in mind he hates M. This is how I imagine it will go...

Me-Hi Chef?
Chef- Hiiiiii... wow it's been so long, how are you?
Me-ummm, I'm good and you?
Chef-Ohhhh, so much better now that you've called, I've missed you...been thinking about you
Me-umm really?
Chef-Yesss, as  a matter of fact I was meaning to call you, tomorrow is that wonderful Taylor Swift concert. I wanted to tell you I Fed Exed those tickets out to you, you should have them today. I really, really hope you guys have a great time.. you so deserve it. And please send M my love.
Me-ummm,ok thanks
dial tone...

OK, I haven't had my coffee yet  I think in actuality it would go more like this..
Me-ummm Chef? hi. It's me.
Chef- yeah?
Me- I was just thinking about you, and ummm,remember back in Feb. you umm ,  well tomorrow is that concert thing you know the one with Taylor Swift, you ummm bought me and M those tickets... well ummm I know you hate country, and I know they were prettty pricey.. If you ummm fedexed me those tickets we could still get there... and oh um M says hello...and..
dial tone....

Oh well... guess another time for Taylor.
Maybe I should try calling the X to see if he'd like to return my engagement ring and wedding band next... ;)

Divorce (ohhh Insomnia)

Divorce is hard. Divorce is not fun. Divorce is not just an easy way out. Divorce is not an escape for a bad day. Divorce is not cheap. Divorce is emotional. Divorce is not something you do to your kids because you're mad at them, or to your spouse because you're mad at them.  Divorce is not so you can flirt with other men/women. Divorce it is not always understood by everyone. Divorce is not acknowledged in the Catholic Church.  Believe it or not Divorce is not selfish.  Divorce does not always have a very clear cut reason, and your neighbors don't have to understand your reasons. Divorce is not just a break up. Divorce does require a bit of grieving, more for some, less for others. There are no rules as to how much or how long you have to grieve. Divorce does not mean you're a failure.  Divorce is not meant for everyone. Divorce does not discriminate, it doesn't matter what your status symbol is,or how much money you make.  Divorce does not mean you will never be married again. It does not mean you will never fall in love. It does not make you just a statistic. It should not make you the gossip of the neighborhood. Divorce should not give people the right to judge you. Divorce does not mean you are a bad, or mean person who can't just put up with it. Divorce does not have to mean that your children will be divorced. It does NOT make you a bad mother.

Divorce makes you strong. Divorce makes you find yourself, and what you want,  what you need. Divorce shows you rather quickly who your friends are. It shows you what people think of you. Divorce teaches your children that life sometimes really sucks even when you have nothing to do with it. If done correctly Divorce can teach them to be strong individuals. Divorce does not have to knock you down. Divorce can make you a success. A success at your happiness, a success at making things better. A success at maybe just maybe finding new love. Divorce can teach you how to change a bike tire, how to mow the lawn, how to clean the bathrooms. Divorce teaches you to be humble. It teaches you to ask for help. It shows you who you can rely on when you are not enough.  It helps you clean out your closets of people who shouldn't have been there in the first place.

Divorce shows you that you can find good in everything, maybe not right away, but with time Divorce can be a wonderful teacher.


Insomnia sucks!  I have no idea why I get it, but when I do it sucks. It sucks for  many different reasons.
1. The anxiety.  My head races, my heart races, sometimes I feel like I want to pull the hair out of my head, sometimes I actually do pull my hair, or snap a rubber band on my wrist. Two methods a therapist once taught me to deal with the anxiety. Do they work? Sometimes.  My mind is an amazing thing, it can come up with a zillion crazy thoughts in less time then it takes to blink.  They scare me sometimes. Mostly they are about my boys, bad things that could but probably won't happen to them. This will cause extreme amounts of anxiety. And the result? Not sleeping.  I hate anxiety, I hate panic attacks, I hate the dark.

2. Noises. Do you realize how many noises happen in the middle of the night?  I guess if you don't have insomnia you don't. Well there are many, and no ADT system is going to protect me, not in the dark.

3.Makes me wish someone were sleeping next to me. Depending on when I have insomnia decides who it is I want sleeping with me. Right now, it's just one particular person...

4.One remote. OK, this one is not self explanatory. We have 5 televisions in this house with one working remote. WHAT??  I know, it's ridiculous, and probably my fault for not making them pay more attention to where they put the remotes. But with one remote in the living room, I can't turn the TV on in my bedroom, stupid cable boxes need the remote. This would require me to go downstairs, one, I dont want to and 2 look at #'s 1 and 2  to understand better why I don't want to go downstairs.  Besides if I do get the remote I'll have to watch stupid infomercials on stupid exercise equipment, or the woman who invented those little plastic things to hold your bra up better. No thank you.

5. I feel like a zombie somedays.. then by 10:30 pm I get this damn second wind!  I don't want it anymore, I'm old, and I have responsibilities that need to be taken care of during the day now. I can't be a zombie!

6. By the time I feel myself falling into a deep sleep it's usually  5:30  and ugghh I'm up at 7.

Insomnia Sucks!