50 lb Pen

Two years ago today I signed my Divorce papers. I remember the day so well. Not because I was happy to move on, not because it was over. I remember it because it was sad, it was one of the hardest things I ever did in my life. My whole married life flashed before me. And my boys, oh my boys. They had no idea at that point. I remember my boys faces that day.   I remember the drive, I remember the weather, I remember sitting in her office. I remember how hard it was to keep those tears from falling. Yet, I never changed my mind. She said you don't have to do this, but I did, well I felt I did.  I felt I was ready. Are we ever ready? I thought about it for a long time, even though he wouldn't believe that.  I love my X, not in love with my X ( I hate cliches). He's my boys' dad, even if he's not the best, he tries.  It took me a long time to have any relationship with him, I'd like to think even though he still makes me nuts, and does and says things I'll never get, he's a decent guy. He gave me three of the best presents ever, and for that I'll always be grateful.  The thing is I signed, I never thought twice. I thought, but I never thought about not doing it, well not at that point. Not on that day.  I thought though that I was prepared, that I'd be all big and tough, not girlie, and just sign.  I thought that when I left I'd feel great relief.  To my dismay it was quite the opposite.  But I signed.  The weight of the pen was daunting.  It was like lifting a 50 lb weight with two fingers. I didn't think I'd be able to lift it, and yes it took many tears in that office, and many tries. But I signed.

Last night, I had  a bad night, a sad night. I said goodbye to someone I really really did not want to say goodbye to.  I knew going to meet him that it was going to happen.  I thought I was prepared. But, like my friend said, you were prepared,  but you like him, so it still hurts.  The point is as sad as I was, as sad as I am, I went. I knew what was going to happen but I went.

I think about that part of me, of people. Where do you get that strength?  To go when you know it's going to turn out in a way you soooo don't want.  Or to sign when you know it's going to be the hardest thing you'll ever do??  It is amazing to me that that strength lives inside of us.  I guess people are resilient even if they aren't emotionally intelligent. That's kind of a cool thing really.  I don't feel so strong today but it's the fact that I went, the fact that I signed that helps me remember that soon someday it will all be ok again.