So I decided to make a conscious effort to be happy, and not sad. Yeah ok, this is going to work. I know wrong attitude. I feel that I have tried all the things you're supposed to try, and nothing seems to go my way. Everyone says, oh it will you'll see give it time, or be patient, or my favorite line of crap when you're not looking,or when you least expect it. HAHA, those are the best. Who came up with those?? I mean really.
The only line of crap I believe is that Laughter is The Best Medicine. It definitely is, the issue is wanting to laugh, or being able to laugh. This is something I have a hard time with. Except for the other night. OMG I seriously laughed more in the two hours at my kids baseball game then I think I have in months. I mean, laugh so hard you're going to cry laugh... it seriously felt soo good, and I was good for awhile that night. I find it easier to laugh with people who only know the parts of me that I want them to know. Don't get me wrong they knew I was a miserable person, but so are they, and the most interesting part is everyone still wants to talk to me, or be around me. I don't know why I wish I didn't have to be around me at times.
I was telling another friend how I am considering meds again, but really don't want to. My depression is different this time, not like the anxiety that came out of nowhere when I was 30. She nailed it for me, Life's Circumstances. Yes, my sadness or my misery as I refer to it didn't come from nowhere, it came from my current life's circumstances. I think I'm entitled to this. I've had it hard, again not as hard as others, and definitely easier than some. But again, my smart friend said, no, it's all relative. I don't know if she was just trying to make me feel better or if she meant it. My heart tells me she meant it, and at the same time it made me feel better for a bit. I am not suicidal by any means, I do not lie in bed crying all day, and I do not ignore my kids. I guess you could say Im a functioning misery, you know like a functioning alcoholic (which may I add, I am NOT). But I will admit I am sad.
So I've been working on figuring out a way to make this better. I sadly, and embarassingly have narrowed it down to men. They SUCK!! I for the first time in my life do not want to date any new ones. There is one particular one that I'd like to but he doesn't have the time. Now, believe me I know I deserve better, I know Im worth it. But, it's still hard, and it still hurts.
I have been doing this online dating crap for awhile now. I don't recommend it, nor do I deter it. Hmmm.. I think it's funny, and sad all at the same time. Oh, and creepy don't forget creepy. Why do 63 year old men that still live at home think they can wink at me??? See, I told you I know I deserve better. But really why??? Why post pics of all your dogs, or your trucks?? Do I give a shit what your dog looks like in the ocean or at the park?? mmmm.. nope. Do I care that you have 6 trucks that are all the same color?? Yeah I do because it tells me not to date you.
Ugghh. but the weeding out has become so tiresome. I'm obviously not as good at it as I thought. Now don't get me wrong I've met some nice guys, even dated them for months. But, always, always the ones that I really like, (and there have really been only 2).. like me in the beginning become busy, or life gets in the way.. It is depressing. It's like being 17 in a 41 year old body. You know when you're 17 you can hideaway, or burn pictures, go out and hang out with your 21 girlfriends who all hate men. BUT when you're 41 oh, well , it's different. You don't have 21 girlfriends that hate men, well maybe you do but they're married and won't always admit it. You can try staying in bed but then when you wake up you have to clean up the shitload of milk that was spilled while they were making their own breakfast, you can cry in the shower, but make sure you can chin up really quick when they come in and want a conversation, you can burn pictures, sure you can, just be prepared to answer 100 questions, and make sure you hide the damn lighter so the boys don't decide they want to burn pictures of you when theyre mad.
So, being sad and depressed over guys at 41 is hard. You have to keep it all in for the show, then lose it at night I guess, I don't know, haven't quite figured it out. That's part of why Im going on a man sabbatical.
Also, if it comes when you're not looking is true, where the Hell is it coming from??? really?? the supermarket, the bathroom, your house, gas station, I mean where??? I don't know. And then when you think you found it because 'all the signs ' were there, and really they were, but the signs fall down, or he doesn't see them then what?? yeah, another reason for my man sabbatical. I mean I've always believed we are responsible for our own destiny.. well shit I'm screwed in this dept.
How about having someone set you up?? I have heard this one too.. WHO??? who is setting me up?? Are they setting me up with their married guy friend who wants to ask his wife for a divorce?? How many married friends know single emotionally available men that are willing to take a chance?? NONE. Another reason for my man sabbatical.
Oh, give it time maybe he'll come around.. OK, how much time?? Seriously, how much?? One guy I met that was one of my 2 that I really liked, texted me SIX months later.. 6!! OK, now I really, really liked this guy, he disappeared after 4 months, then I tried again a monh and a half later. He never responded, now he responds??? Believe me if I weren't on such a man hating hiatus, I'd have responded, good to know I have a breaking point as well. Besides how do men come around? They don't, once they're gone, they're gone.. like good and gone. Like I packed my bags, took my beer gone.
I wish I knew how to be gone sometimes, and then there are the ones that are going through their own Life's Circumstances, and have no room for me anymore. Unfortunately I hang on for those a little too long some people think. I'm not much worried about what other people think. I guess I'll hang on to "my little bit of hope" that I have left. I guess I'll try to enjoy the dating sabbatical.. try to as someone once said "buck up little camper" ( i hate that btw)...maybe when I'm not looking not caring he'll just show up... not sure I believe in this .. but hey what's one more silly hope..
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