Sometimes, dealing with things, people, life itself gets difficult for me. I try my best most days not to let the three men I live with know that. I deal with a lot. This is not to take away from people who have it harder than me, or worse than me. I am aware that I have it better than some, maybe even most, well on most days. There are those days, leading up to a so called monthly event, that I look forward to at 41, very forward to.., where dealing is harder. Times that I do feel sorry for myself. I am not asking you for pity, violin playing, or any of the sort. Im just sayin.
I deal with things in many ways. In recent months I realized that food, cookies, have been a big source of comfort to me. I find that recently my X even looks like an Oreo. I fight it , fight the urge to find those Oreos in my pantry,sometimes I am successful other times not so much. That Oreo in that moment is like bliss, pure unadulterated bliss, followed by a shitload of guilt, and hate not towards the Oreo, or the X, but towards myself. This is why this way of dealing is not working, I have no energy to hate the one person I can count on all the time- Me. So, I m working on that.
Lately, I have this urge to run. To runaway from everything, everyone, yes, even my boys, as hard as that is to admit, it is true. The thought of no responsibility is intriguing. I think about what I could do if I could just runaway.
I did it three times in my life. Twice as a child, once as an adult.
The first time I was about 3. I lived in an apt building, packed a bag with the most important things I had, my stuffed bear, my sunglasses, my necklace, little bit of clothing that I found. I got on the elevator and went down to Molly's house. I remember this, mind you lately I remember nothing, this I remember.
The second time I was 14 I ranaway for about 2 hours to the park down the block. I remember sitting on a swing for 2 hours. It was as long as I could take the nausea. I don't remember why I left, but I imagine my mom pissed me off.
The third time I was an adult. A mommy of two. A wife of one. I remember the whole world closing in on me, the depression, the darkness, the anger, I remember it well. I remember my two little boys sitting at the window crying... I remember them screaming "please mommy don't go" , I remember my neighbor comforting me. I remember the guilt of leaving them with their dad. I remember their joy upon my return.
This is why running won't work anymore...the love I have for my boys is greater than the joy of being alone, with no responsibility.. yet, it is still intriguing.
I get mad. I scream, sometimes at people that don't deserve it. I've even taken it out on cashiers, and out here in PA that's just not right. They are all so nice. I do take it out on my boys. They know when I'm going on a rant, they become quiet. If you know my boys you know that is a big thing, they are never quiet. The problem with the yelling is I have an ulcer,and the stress aggravates it. I didn't believe this until I started paying close attention to when it acts up. Stress definitely aggravates it!! So, this way of dealing does not work.
Sad. I get sad, I get emotional. I cry. This works but only in certain places, not the grocery store. I only had a breakdown once in a store. I didn't cry but I did walk around aimlessly for over an hour in a Walmart - It actually scared me, reminded me of the movie "Where The Heart Is" . She lives in a Walmart. I started to think about doing just that. I could. Seriously, anyone can live in a Walmart! - Honestly that day I'm not even sure I knew why I was there. It was odd. The crying is good, if you can control it. I'm getting better at that.
The treadmill, yes a positive way to deal except for the damn shin splints!! Damn they hurt. I bought a new pair of sneakers, which leads me to shopping, another way I deal. Well, not anymore, as I can't shop. My bank accounts will have no such thing!!
Anxiety meds. Did that. That worked, they made me feel great. I enjoyed not worrying, I enjoyed everything. I needed them. I took them for almost 4 years. I went off them because I felt better. They also helped me gain 45 lbs. Taking them again, not an option for now.
Skinnygirl. My new found love. I am not an alcoholic by any means, and I do not use her as a way to Deal. Just an occasional way to enjoy my alone time, or my girl time with M. It helps, it makes me laugh, especially with friends. It has also made me cry, which again is OK. In moderation I will continue to use this way.
Laughter, humor, this works for me. I use it all the time, in almost every facet of my life. It brings no harm to me, my boys or my waistline. I like it. Most people find me funny,or at least amusing. Once I met a guy who didn't, it was weird. But, so was he, enuff said about that.
As I get older I find we have to use humor. Some days it's the only thing that keeps me going. I try to find the funny side of everything, even the things that scare me the most. (that's a long list, for another time). Somedays are harder than others. But, I'm getting better. I'm getting better at Dealing. I think my divorce has helped me, I have to Deal , if I don't my boys are left to Deal.. alone. . this is something I am not willing to let happen.
So....
Dear Outlets,
Oreo, thank you so much for being there for me in my timeS of need. Park, Molly, and Neighbor.. thank you. Mr. Treadmill you are a source of pain, as well as comfort, and we will continue to keep meeting even under happy circumstances. Shopping, until we meet again.. <3. Skinnygirl, you rock, and are not a bitch regardless of what M calls you. I love you. To the cashiers , my sincerest apologies. To Lexapro, thank you for showing me another side, if we shall ever meet again, I ask you to keep your weightgain to yourself. To my tears, I'm sure I'll see you sooner moreso than later, it's ok.
To my sense of humor, Thank you so much for always staying by my side..... oxox
Love, Me
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