*Sometimes I wish I weren't so smart, so intuitive. Wish I were stupid, naive, ignorant..just sometimes... Me

*It would be so nice if somethings made sense for a change-Alice; Alice in Wonderland

*Shut the front door.... Oreo

*Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind-Dr. Seuss

*If you think it's about you, it probably is even if I didn't mean it to be... Me

*When there's an elephant in the room introduce him- Randy Pausch

Friday, August 5, 2011

Peanuts, Pregnancy, and Little Boys

In an attempt to brighten my mood, I decided to ask M for some funny antics in my Life, so I could share.
Here's a good one.

Picture this,three years ago, I was still married,  nice night, pizza, beer, laughing, my boys,friends over for a nice Friday night.

Middle Guy is the skinniest boy you'll ever meet, he's also very simple, naive, sweet, lovable , empathetic, kind, loving.. and sometimes, well sometimes a little bit dramatic, and anxious. This night would prove to be one of his biggest hits. He was 7.
Now, in no way am I poking fun at him. He's my son, I love him to death,but you will soon see why this night was so hard to not laugh at him. Did I say I love him? I love him to pieces.
It starts like this:   "Mom, my stomach hurts"
"Go to the bathroom"  standard mom answer.
"mom, Im trying, but it really hurts"
"you ll be fine", with this, like a blur, he runs out of the bathroom, next, I hear the front door open and then silence, then the phone ringing...
"umm hi, (it's the neighbor, my mom, the place they run when their mom has no compassion left), did you know T was here?"    
"um, no but I assumed'
"he's crying that his stomach hurts, I told him to go to the bathroom ( like I said standard mom answer)
" I'll be right there" ( I excuse myself )
"mom, mom  (crying, screaming)... it hurts, mom, it hurts (as a sidenote the boy ate almost a whole jar of peanuts)....  look at my stomach it's so big  (that would be bloated)... what is it mom?  Mom, I think I'm having a baby!!"
Ok, now understand I did have a beer or two, and even if I didn't come on...
"what T?  Honey, you're fine, I promise, you aren't having a baby."
"mom, I am, I am, how does it get out?? will it hurt??"   Ok, now Dr. Spock or Phil or someone may have seen this as an opportune time to have the talk..me I had to leave. If I did not run out of that house at that very moment my middle guy would have always remembered his mom peeing in hysterics at him.. this would not be good.   Of course my mom, thinks this is awful, "you're leaving him"  no I wasn't leaving him I was saving him from a lifetime of added therapy to the already  large amount he'd need from thinking he was having a baby.

Ok, I now go share with the X and the neighbors, who by now are dying in hysterics..
I go back...
"mom, mom.. Can you call a dr.?"
"honey, I'm sure you're going tobe ok."
"what do you know, you aren't a doctor, please mom, please... how is it going to come out?, what do I do will it hurt?" ( like the fuckin dickens!!).    "call the ambulance mommy please"
"ok, honey boys don't have babies'
"sometimes they do, you don't know"
"sweetie, I know, I am soo sure of this, you're ok, it's probably the peanuts"
"the what?"
"honey, all the peanuts you had probably just gave you a belly ache, that s why it looks bigger."
(quieting down).."are you sure mommy?" (still on the toilet)   "really sure?"
"hon i am so sure.'
"Ok, mom if it still here in the morning can we call Dr. S  and ask him how the baby will get out?"
"absolutely babe"

and the Press, local news channels, maybe even Oprah...

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