*Sometimes I wish I weren't so smart, so intuitive. Wish I were stupid, naive, ignorant..just sometimes... Me

*It would be so nice if somethings made sense for a change-Alice; Alice in Wonderland

*Shut the front door.... Oreo

*Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind-Dr. Seuss

*If you think it's about you, it probably is even if I didn't mean it to be... Me

*When there's an elephant in the room introduce him- Randy Pausch

Saturday, September 10, 2011


Ten years, seems like an eternity, a lifetime, and sometimes like yesterday.
No matter where you were that day, no matter what you were doing 10 years ago Sept 11 you
stopped. And today you still stop, you still remember, not like it was an eternity, but like it 
was yesterday.
For me it was what was supposed to be my 13 year olds first day of Preschool. Ironic that on Sept12 2011 it will be mine as a Preschool teacher, how the 10 years have progressed, kept going. Still,you never forget.
From my front step I saw the smoke, the big black billowy clouds, the towers, what was the towers.
From my TV I saw the second plane almost live crash into the second tower, with more smoke in front of my house.  I remember the debris falling on my house as if it were snow, but it wasn't. I remember being outside with the neighbors, we all ate outside together that night, like no one wanted to be alone.  The silence in the air for days when air traffic was null. The sounds of the fighter Jets flying over our houses, low enough to make you flinch in fear, thankfully lowe enough to see the American Flag on them.  All like it was yesterday.
The call from my then sister n law that my brother n law a first responder with the 1st pct was missing. The ring of that phone was the worst sound ever.  Hours, and hours passed with no word.  The fear in her voice, in my X's was a fear I never want to experience again for me or anyone else.  He was one of the luckier ones, his friends not so much.. His police car smashed, thankfully he was not in it.  He was one of the luckier ones, that now suffers terribly from the effects of that horrible day. 
Cantor Fitzgerald, who lost so many people being on the top floors of that tower.  Two friends who lost two sons.. My mother's friend whose son was new to the FDNY.. who went in with the others, but never came out... My girlfriend who lost her Uncle ..  My neighbor who was rescued.. A friend whose husband will never be the same from carrying out his fallen friend...The firefighters running in, running up those stairs.. while telling everyone to go down. A friend whose dad was one of those running in.. who spoke to his wife, but whose daughter ( a friend ) missed that call that day..  A funeral, a wake I will never forget.    The retired community of NYPD, and The FDNY who went and volunteered at that awful site for days.. my X being one of them.  The sadness, and mixed feelings they had to deal with.  The people running in fear of the bridges closing, the families, and friends at home waiting waiting for a call.. wondering... the not knowing... The days that followed, the wakes, the funerals, the mourning.. the fear and sadness. Horrible, a horrible day. I could go on about the sadness, about the people who I know who lost, or the people I know that were lost, but I think we all have stories about that day, memories, thoughts, I don't think I have to share all of mine, when we all have so many of our own.

Good did come from that day, we stood together united as a country, and sadly realized that it took that to do it. I for one was reunited with a friend soon after. As we both realized how much mattered, or better, how much didn't.  I think differently after that day,as so many others do.  Life is short, life can be taken away on a beautiful sunny day .. on a day.. just a plain old Tuesday..
I try to remember that, Life is too short... I do forgive too much, I do give too many chances, I do put my heart into it all... I do. 
Life is short, and on that day that year so many people thought that way.. for months after people were more loving, more kind ,more gracious, more forgiving, less judgemental.. I think about that.. I think that may be the part people forgot.. The way they made positive out of it.. I don't think anyone ever forgets what happened, the bad horrific, senseless day.. that day... Sept 11, 2001.  As we shouldn't.
But, the harder part is trying to remember how we loved more soon after, how we were more forgiving, how we searched out the people we cared about just to tell them, ... how we held people closer, tighter...

Thursday, September 8, 2011


So, I know I have been quite depressing lately. I also realize I haven't been writing. I guess the two must go hand in hand. That is depression, and blogger's block.  I haven't felt funny lately. I haven't felt like writing lately. To be honest I haven't felt much lately. Even my sadness seems to feel hollow. 

I've been kind of wishing I was a kid again lately. Not a teen kinda kid, but a kid kinda kid.  The kind of kid that just lays on the floor tossing a stuffed animal in the air, catching it, and singing at the same time and totally saisfied, kinda kid. I envy my little guy, my 5 year old. Just simple stuff seems to satisfy him. His worries are few, and the ones he has are easily eased. His nightmares go away in my bed, his scary thoughts away in my arms, and cuts are healed with neon, or transformer bandaids. Simple.
If it were only so easy now. So easy to make the wounds heal. 

When you had a cut you would just put some neosporin, a bandaid, and a kiss. All was better.
You could change the bandaid, and see it healing, as you quickly ripped it off.  A few days and a scab.
No more bandaid needed. You could watch it heal, watch the scab get better, or fall off, see the scar. See the scar fade. And, with that it was healed.
The heart is so different for me. I can try to put the bandaid on, and the cream, and sometimes I rip it off to see if it's healed. But, you can't see the heart really, you can only feel what's going on with it. If it still hurts you try and put the bandaid back on, and give it some more time. I find it easier to visually watch something heal, then to feel the pain so many times, and hope that everyday it gets better without any setbacks.  For me the slightest setbacks set me off, like the scab falling off  because you rubbed it when you got out of the shower, and then it needs the time to heal over again. 
It's a process, for some a quick one, for me a slower one. Some people just heal quicker than others.

I guess that's why I wish I were a kid again, the pain of the scrapes is so much easier to deal with than the pain of a broken heart.  The difference I guess is as a kid you never think that cut is going to heal, feels like forever sometimes.As an adult you know it won't be that long till the bleeding stops, till the scab forms, the bandaid goes, and the scars fade.   It's the same as the heart in that way, I know it will heal, I know the hurt will lessen, and then go away, it has before it will again... I guess in that respect I'm glad I'm not a kid anymore.. maybe..

Just wish that transformer bandaid would work as good on the heart as it did on the knee..

Monday, September 5, 2011

Race against the Clock..

Andd so it begins.  School. Work. Crazy. Hectic. Routine. Rushing. Waking up early.
The life I once knew called Summer.. is ending.. now as I type.  I can already feel the tension
of the clock pressing on my mind.  Like a race that lasts from now until June, with little slow downs, and lots of curves. 
The time I had for me is dwindling down to maybe two nights a month. I look forward to it, and I dread it all at the same time.  I kinda enjoy the slower pace of Summer, the not having to always worry about the clock.  Yet, at the same time I look forward to a little bit of routine. I don't yet look forward to the early darkness.. of the sun going down.. yet I know I will.  I do look forward to Autumn, and the leaves changing, but not to the dreaded winter.. ugghh,, no not the winter. The snow, the ice, the being trapped indoors.. no not a fan.  But we aren't there yet. So , I will try not to worry about that.
My dating sabbatical will be easier to deal with as I have limited time to partake in these daunting at times activities.  I will have limited time to deal with anything! I will try to use my time wisely.
I will try to use my crock pot more, try to yell hurry up less, I will try to remain calm through it all this year. I will try.
Here's hoping for a smooth sailing year .. where we get on all the teams we want, get all the parts in the plays we want, see friends, pass tests, little hw, science fair wins, confirmation, graduations, so much to look forward to, great first years, Holidays,
So I say with much sadness  good bye Summer... and hello again Clock..