Pay attention to the Blips

This morning, yes I've been up awhile, sitting on my deck with my coffee, I noticed a man walking with his little girl. How sweet, she had a bounce in her step,and they were holding hands. This post can go so many ways right now, and I'm noticing it's going in a way I did not plan. Such is my life, never goes according to "the plan". It's like in the supermarket when I tell my 13 year old I just need bread, and by the time we get to the checkout the bags don't fit in the wagon..  He asked, mom do you ever just buy bread?  Nope, I never just buy bread. My brain is not wired like that. Anyway, the little girl.

I realized I was never that little girl. I have a dad, a man, a figure of some sort. Sadly, I think a figure that I'm not sure I want to be or be with. I don't think he likes me either. I have come to terms with this. NO violins please.  It's just a fact, just another part of who I am. 

I never went to father daughter dances, never was daddy's little girl, I think my mom said he brushed my hair when I was little.. I don 't remember.  Anyway, we don't speak, we haven't in many years,and when we do it isn't usually pretty. I say what I mean, and don't always mean what I say, but it gets me into trouble. Mostly I try to keep my mouth shut for the sake of Mom, he'll bitch to her that I'm a bitch. He yells a lot, at her, but he's so nice to others. By others I mean the neighbors, M, the sanitation guys, the Mexicans working construction, the cashiers, Maureen-the lady at the gym he goes to, just not nice to me, well not usually. 

There are times, like blips on a radar where I think wow, maybe he does like me. For instance my mom told me he once told her to get me a subscription to the newspaper because he knew I needed the coupons.  Or when he helped my X move out so it would be quicker.  Blips. Important blips.

My brothers have a harder time with him, they crave a relationship with him, you know the kind where the dad and the son throw the ball around, they never had that. But the funny thing is he talks to them now. It's weird, I live next door, but he doesn't talk.

He's getting older, he's kind of healthy.. I wonder will I miss him?  I wonder how it will feel?  Am I that much of an awful person if it doesn't hurt? Now, the ironic part- I will miss him, it will hurt.  What will I miss?  Probably just that hopeful feeling I always get in every part of my life, the one that goes like this...maybe he'll call later..maybe ill see him tomorrow... the hopeful part of what could happen later or tomorrow.  

Only, with my dad even though I've tried I don't think that hopeful part will come.  It will only come in little blips.

I danced with my dad at my wedding, I remember it, I remember how hard I cried. I think it was probably just because that was my father daughter dance that I missed when I was 5.  I got it at 26.   It was a blip, a blip that no matter what  happened after that day   I got it..  he liked me that day.