Ok, so as you will learn I have a little bit of OCD, and then the ADD kicks in which does not me allow to finish what I'm currently OCDing about. It's a vicious cycle.. as I said I'm on break now, I have time for this,time to compulsively write. When September comes it will be more of a struggle.
I find cleaning to be annoying, but a part of life that seriously when it catches up with you kicks your ass!!
I have been getting my ass kicked lately. I will sorrily admit that the X was neater than me, and when he cleaned even the dirt shined. I clean, I don't know that it shines though. One thing he did do for me was
clean the bathrooms. I miss that about him, the cleaning of the bathrooms. The way I see it was he put me through a lot of shit, (metaphorically speaking of course), I just convinced myself that him cleaning the bathrooms was his way of making up,you know, he cleaned the shit.
In Brooklyn we had two bathrooms, but only really used one. My landlord was a cheapo and never fixed the sink in the master bath so I used that to blow dry my hair, because X hated cleaning the hair. Seriously??
Now we have 3 bathrooms, and just me. The downstairs bathroom which does have toilet paper in it now, due to a 5 and a half year old having a melt down, and a mom tired of listening to the shrieks of "please, I think I have a rash".. I gave in.
Ok, so 3 bathrooms is great except when the X is no longer around to clean them.
I have learned that boys pee differently than girls. Yes we sit they stand, I know. But why can't they aim?? My 10 year old can pitch a great ball to a small glove, over a small base with ease. But ask him to control his stream of pee.. well no, maybe if I put a mitt in the toilet that would help. The damn pee is everywhere!! I have tried vinegar,(my grandmother once cleaned her whole entire house with it) borax, bleach, limeaway, Mr.Clean, you name it I've tried it. I can't even find the pee anymore, but I can smell it. Try masking that odor. You can't. My 13 year old is embarrassed to have friends over because I have toys in my living room , they are contained to one area.. but this at 13 is uncool. But, they can use their bathroom, WHAT?? You aren't embarrassed that your bathroom sometimes smells like the Bronx Zoo on a 110 degree day??? I don't get it. I'm tired of cleaning pee. I feel like I'm always cleaning pee. Can't they sit?? Seriously is it that much of an ordeal????????? I guess it is...
Toothpaste.. ugh hate it. It's the stickiest nastiest stuff to clean, I don't get how it cleans your teeth. Try getting it off your shirt!!
X hated that I didn't roll the toothpaste at the bottom, like I said, he was neater. I tried, well in the beginning I tried, to roll it from the bottom. Tried to remember to always put the cap on. I wasn't good at it. When he annoyed me I just left it sticking to the side of the sink, with an extra squirt here and there, he cleaned it. When he moved out I felt like squirting the shit all over the bathroom, but quickly remembered how I was now the cleaner of bathrooms. It is nice though not to have to worry about putting the cap on. My boys and toothpaste, that's another story...
I find toothpaste EVERYWHERE!!! Kudos to the dentist that told me I should brush their teeth( Ha I'd like to tell my 13 year old that) Toothpaste everywhere bewilders me as I'm pretty sure they do not brush their teeth all that often. Does that make me a bad mom?? I don't know, maybe, I'm sure I do worse. However, who is it then that is brushing their teeth?? OR what are they using the toothpaste for?? I have found it on the walls, my 13 year old stepped on a tube in his BEDROOM for G d 's sake, but that's not embarrassing.. I will say his room smelled much better.
Anyway, toothpaste... how do you get it off walls?? It's on every towel by the time I get to launder them, It's on their shirts, it's freaking everywhere... You would think the pee smell would go away or at least be masked by the minty smell of Crest but nope, nope , it isn't.
So, I clean their bathroom repeatedly, and when I can't take it anymore I call my neighbor, and she brings over the Borax diluted in water already in the bucket, she wears gloves,-i'd wear one of those suits you see men wearing when they go to attack an asbestos filled building,- and like any good mom scrubs the floor, the toilet everything... I love my mom for that.
Did I mention I hate cleaning bathrooms, especially toothpaste and pee. I think I may have stayed married just for the help if I had thought about it long enough. I'm glad I didn't think about it that long.
I guess I'll just keep cleaning them what other choice do I have, cavities and diapers??... hmm. there's a thought.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Dealing
Sometimes, dealing with things, people, life itself gets difficult for me. I try my best most days not to let the three men I live with know that. I deal with a lot. This is not to take away from people who have it harder than me, or worse than me. I am aware that I have it better than some, maybe even most, well on most days. There are those days, leading up to a so called monthly event, that I look forward to at 41, very forward to.., where dealing is harder. Times that I do feel sorry for myself. I am not asking you for pity, violin playing, or any of the sort. Im just sayin.
I deal with things in many ways. In recent months I realized that food, cookies, have been a big source of comfort to me. I find that recently my X even looks like an Oreo. I fight it , fight the urge to find those Oreos in my pantry,sometimes I am successful other times not so much. That Oreo in that moment is like bliss, pure unadulterated bliss, followed by a shitload of guilt, and hate not towards the Oreo, or the X, but towards myself. This is why this way of dealing is not working, I have no energy to hate the one person I can count on all the time- Me. So, I m working on that.
Lately, I have this urge to run. To runaway from everything, everyone, yes, even my boys, as hard as that is to admit, it is true. The thought of no responsibility is intriguing. I think about what I could do if I could just runaway.
I did it three times in my life. Twice as a child, once as an adult.
The first time I was about 3. I lived in an apt building, packed a bag with the most important things I had, my stuffed bear, my sunglasses, my necklace, little bit of clothing that I found. I got on the elevator and went down to Molly's house. I remember this, mind you lately I remember nothing, this I remember.
The second time I was 14 I ranaway for about 2 hours to the park down the block. I remember sitting on a swing for 2 hours. It was as long as I could take the nausea. I don't remember why I left, but I imagine my mom pissed me off.
The third time I was an adult. A mommy of two. A wife of one. I remember the whole world closing in on me, the depression, the darkness, the anger, I remember it well. I remember my two little boys sitting at the window crying... I remember them screaming "please mommy don't go" , I remember my neighbor comforting me. I remember the guilt of leaving them with their dad. I remember their joy upon my return.
This is why running won't work anymore...the love I have for my boys is greater than the joy of being alone, with no responsibility.. yet, it is still intriguing.
I get mad. I scream, sometimes at people that don't deserve it. I've even taken it out on cashiers, and out here in PA that's just not right. They are all so nice. I do take it out on my boys. They know when I'm going on a rant, they become quiet. If you know my boys you know that is a big thing, they are never quiet. The problem with the yelling is I have an ulcer,and the stress aggravates it. I didn't believe this until I started paying close attention to when it acts up. Stress definitely aggravates it!! So, this way of dealing does not work.
Sad. I get sad, I get emotional. I cry. This works but only in certain places, not the grocery store. I only had a breakdown once in a store. I didn't cry but I did walk around aimlessly for over an hour in a Walmart - It actually scared me, reminded me of the movie "Where The Heart Is" . She lives in a Walmart. I started to think about doing just that. I could. Seriously, anyone can live in a Walmart! - Honestly that day I'm not even sure I knew why I was there. It was odd. The crying is good, if you can control it. I'm getting better at that.
The treadmill, yes a positive way to deal except for the damn shin splints!! Damn they hurt. I bought a new pair of sneakers, which leads me to shopping, another way I deal. Well, not anymore, as I can't shop. My bank accounts will have no such thing!!
Anxiety meds. Did that. That worked, they made me feel great. I enjoyed not worrying, I enjoyed everything. I needed them. I took them for almost 4 years. I went off them because I felt better. They also helped me gain 45 lbs. Taking them again, not an option for now.
Skinnygirl. My new found love. I am not an alcoholic by any means, and I do not use her as a way to Deal. Just an occasional way to enjoy my alone time, or my girl time with M. It helps, it makes me laugh, especially with friends. It has also made me cry, which again is OK. In moderation I will continue to use this way.
Laughter, humor, this works for me. I use it all the time, in almost every facet of my life. It brings no harm to me, my boys or my waistline. I like it. Most people find me funny,or at least amusing. Once I met a guy who didn't, it was weird. But, so was he, enuff said about that.
As I get older I find we have to use humor. Some days it's the only thing that keeps me going. I try to find the funny side of everything, even the things that scare me the most. (that's a long list, for another time). Somedays are harder than others. But, I'm getting better. I'm getting better at Dealing. I think my divorce has helped me, I have to Deal , if I don't my boys are left to Deal.. alone. . this is something I am not willing to let happen.
So....
Dear Outlets,
Oreo, thank you so much for being there for me in my timeS of need. Park, Molly, and Neighbor.. thank you. Mr. Treadmill you are a source of pain, as well as comfort, and we will continue to keep meeting even under happy circumstances. Shopping, until we meet again.. <3. Skinnygirl, you rock, and are not a bitch regardless of what M calls you. I love you. To the cashiers , my sincerest apologies. To Lexapro, thank you for showing me another side, if we shall ever meet again, I ask you to keep your weightgain to yourself. To my tears, I'm sure I'll see you sooner moreso than later, it's ok.
To my sense of humor, Thank you so much for always staying by my side..... oxox
Love, Me
I deal with things in many ways. In recent months I realized that food, cookies, have been a big source of comfort to me. I find that recently my X even looks like an Oreo. I fight it , fight the urge to find those Oreos in my pantry,sometimes I am successful other times not so much. That Oreo in that moment is like bliss, pure unadulterated bliss, followed by a shitload of guilt, and hate not towards the Oreo, or the X, but towards myself. This is why this way of dealing is not working, I have no energy to hate the one person I can count on all the time- Me. So, I m working on that.
Lately, I have this urge to run. To runaway from everything, everyone, yes, even my boys, as hard as that is to admit, it is true. The thought of no responsibility is intriguing. I think about what I could do if I could just runaway.
I did it three times in my life. Twice as a child, once as an adult.
The first time I was about 3. I lived in an apt building, packed a bag with the most important things I had, my stuffed bear, my sunglasses, my necklace, little bit of clothing that I found. I got on the elevator and went down to Molly's house. I remember this, mind you lately I remember nothing, this I remember.
The second time I was 14 I ranaway for about 2 hours to the park down the block. I remember sitting on a swing for 2 hours. It was as long as I could take the nausea. I don't remember why I left, but I imagine my mom pissed me off.
The third time I was an adult. A mommy of two. A wife of one. I remember the whole world closing in on me, the depression, the darkness, the anger, I remember it well. I remember my two little boys sitting at the window crying... I remember them screaming "please mommy don't go" , I remember my neighbor comforting me. I remember the guilt of leaving them with their dad. I remember their joy upon my return.
This is why running won't work anymore...the love I have for my boys is greater than the joy of being alone, with no responsibility.. yet, it is still intriguing.
I get mad. I scream, sometimes at people that don't deserve it. I've even taken it out on cashiers, and out here in PA that's just not right. They are all so nice. I do take it out on my boys. They know when I'm going on a rant, they become quiet. If you know my boys you know that is a big thing, they are never quiet. The problem with the yelling is I have an ulcer,and the stress aggravates it. I didn't believe this until I started paying close attention to when it acts up. Stress definitely aggravates it!! So, this way of dealing does not work.
Sad. I get sad, I get emotional. I cry. This works but only in certain places, not the grocery store. I only had a breakdown once in a store. I didn't cry but I did walk around aimlessly for over an hour in a Walmart - It actually scared me, reminded me of the movie "Where The Heart Is" . She lives in a Walmart. I started to think about doing just that. I could. Seriously, anyone can live in a Walmart! - Honestly that day I'm not even sure I knew why I was there. It was odd. The crying is good, if you can control it. I'm getting better at that.
The treadmill, yes a positive way to deal except for the damn shin splints!! Damn they hurt. I bought a new pair of sneakers, which leads me to shopping, another way I deal. Well, not anymore, as I can't shop. My bank accounts will have no such thing!!
Anxiety meds. Did that. That worked, they made me feel great. I enjoyed not worrying, I enjoyed everything. I needed them. I took them for almost 4 years. I went off them because I felt better. They also helped me gain 45 lbs. Taking them again, not an option for now.
Skinnygirl. My new found love. I am not an alcoholic by any means, and I do not use her as a way to Deal. Just an occasional way to enjoy my alone time, or my girl time with M. It helps, it makes me laugh, especially with friends. It has also made me cry, which again is OK. In moderation I will continue to use this way.
Laughter, humor, this works for me. I use it all the time, in almost every facet of my life. It brings no harm to me, my boys or my waistline. I like it. Most people find me funny,or at least amusing. Once I met a guy who didn't, it was weird. But, so was he, enuff said about that.
As I get older I find we have to use humor. Some days it's the only thing that keeps me going. I try to find the funny side of everything, even the things that scare me the most. (that's a long list, for another time). Somedays are harder than others. But, I'm getting better. I'm getting better at Dealing. I think my divorce has helped me, I have to Deal , if I don't my boys are left to Deal.. alone. . this is something I am not willing to let happen.
So....
Dear Outlets,
Oreo, thank you so much for being there for me in my timeS of need. Park, Molly, and Neighbor.. thank you. Mr. Treadmill you are a source of pain, as well as comfort, and we will continue to keep meeting even under happy circumstances. Shopping, until we meet again.. <3. Skinnygirl, you rock, and are not a bitch regardless of what M calls you. I love you. To the cashiers , my sincerest apologies. To Lexapro, thank you for showing me another side, if we shall ever meet again, I ask you to keep your weightgain to yourself. To my tears, I'm sure I'll see you sooner moreso than later, it's ok.
To my sense of humor, Thank you so much for always staying by my side..... oxox
Love, Me
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Trying to be Thankful (the second time)
So, I noticed that my post from yesterday did not appear.. this just proves my computer skills are pretty sad. Since I can't find it, not like can't find my keys find it, but totally disappeared can't find it.. I'm going to attempt it again, because I thought it was important...
In the last 5 years I have gone through many changes, not all bad persay, but many difficult ones. I lost my grandmother- I watched my boys grieve, I saw my mom cry, hard, for the first time, I moved to another state, I got my Certification to teach in this new state, I divorced my husband of almost 16 years, helped (still helping) my boys adjust, oh, and my parents adjust to a new state and a new divorce. I think they had a harder time than we did!! But, in all this I have learned some really great things.. (here's a list, love lists )
1. I have a great sense of humor
2. I am a pretty strong, and independent girl
3. I know exactly what I want in a relationship
4. I have one very best friend <3
5.I am trying to be more thankful
This leads me to my simple list (love lists) of what it is I am thankful for ..well for now...
1. Ok, of course my boys, always, always, my boys,even though at this very moment I'm tempted, slightly tempted to throw them all out of my house!! in a loving way .
2. My mom, yep the devil, my friend, my mom, the woman who has repeatedly, without knowing saved my life.
3. My hair. It does not frizz in this humidity, nope I don't put anything in it. But if you see it frizzy you should seriously head for an ac because damn it must be hot!
4. Red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting.
5. Gummy Bears
6. Skinnygirl Margarita, or as my bff refers to it as Skinnybitch. <3
7. Coffee. Iced. Hot. It's all good.
8. My job, yep my little 3 year olds have honestly brought me some smiles.. some laughter...
9.Sunrises- and shared they're even better :)
10. Match.com.- Is giving me the hope that maybe, just maybe my meant to be is out there. Fingers crossed for now.
11. That I gave cocky a chance.. (that's a private one)
12. That even though I am getting older, I am getting older, some of us never get or shall I say got the chance.
13. My best friend M, she saves me everyday especially from myself. She is my soulmate, and sometimes the only one that makes me laugh. The holder of all my secrets, and I'd die without her. <3
14. My home, the fact that I have one.
15. Strength - that I find it everyday to just say ok, it will be ok, even when I think maybe it won't.
16. Perfume
17. Flowers(tulips are my favorite) -especially ones I don't have to buy myself
18. Taylor Swift
19. Nick Vujicic- if you don't know him google him you'll never feel the same way about your life.
20. Crayons
21. The smell of a man, cologne, sweat, whatever!
22.9pm the time where I can sit on my couch and hear.... nothing.....
23.Texting- please note these are in no particular order, as this probably would have been first ;)
24. Cheesecake
25. A really good cheeseburger
26.Pedicures
27. Health-mine, my boys, my parents, my friends
28.Rainy days-they help me get my house in order, and "fix" the lawn that my dad has burned from his obsession with fertilizer.
29.Romance- if it's not out there please don't spoil it for me, and Ill be thankful for that too.
30.Mostly I am thankful that I have learned that although Im far from perfect, (much to the dismay of many), I am pretty good, a pretty good catch.. and that I do have so much to be thankful for, and my list grows every single day... and I am so thankful for that......
In the last 5 years I have gone through many changes, not all bad persay, but many difficult ones. I lost my grandmother- I watched my boys grieve, I saw my mom cry, hard, for the first time, I moved to another state, I got my Certification to teach in this new state, I divorced my husband of almost 16 years, helped (still helping) my boys adjust, oh, and my parents adjust to a new state and a new divorce. I think they had a harder time than we did!! But, in all this I have learned some really great things.. (here's a list, love lists )
1. I have a great sense of humor
2. I am a pretty strong, and independent girl
3. I know exactly what I want in a relationship
4. I have one very best friend <3
5.I am trying to be more thankful
This leads me to my simple list (love lists) of what it is I am thankful for ..well for now...
1. Ok, of course my boys, always, always, my boys,even though at this very moment I'm tempted, slightly tempted to throw them all out of my house!! in a loving way .
2. My mom, yep the devil, my friend, my mom, the woman who has repeatedly, without knowing saved my life.
3. My hair. It does not frizz in this humidity, nope I don't put anything in it. But if you see it frizzy you should seriously head for an ac because damn it must be hot!
4. Red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting.
5. Gummy Bears
6. Skinnygirl Margarita, or as my bff refers to it as Skinnybitch. <3
7. Coffee. Iced. Hot. It's all good.
8. My job, yep my little 3 year olds have honestly brought me some smiles.. some laughter...
9.Sunrises- and shared they're even better :)
10. Match.com.- Is giving me the hope that maybe, just maybe my meant to be is out there. Fingers crossed for now.
11. That I gave cocky a chance.. (that's a private one)
12. That even though I am getting older, I am getting older, some of us never get or shall I say got the chance.
13. My best friend M, she saves me everyday especially from myself. She is my soulmate, and sometimes the only one that makes me laugh. The holder of all my secrets, and I'd die without her. <3
14. My home, the fact that I have one.
15. Strength - that I find it everyday to just say ok, it will be ok, even when I think maybe it won't.
16. Perfume
17. Flowers(tulips are my favorite) -especially ones I don't have to buy myself
18. Taylor Swift
19. Nick Vujicic- if you don't know him google him you'll never feel the same way about your life.
20. Crayons
21. The smell of a man, cologne, sweat, whatever!
22.9pm the time where I can sit on my couch and hear.... nothing.....
23.Texting- please note these are in no particular order, as this probably would have been first ;)
24. Cheesecake
25. A really good cheeseburger
26.Pedicures
27. Health-mine, my boys, my parents, my friends
28.Rainy days-they help me get my house in order, and "fix" the lawn that my dad has burned from his obsession with fertilizer.
29.Romance- if it's not out there please don't spoil it for me, and Ill be thankful for that too.
30.Mostly I am thankful that I have learned that although Im far from perfect, (much to the dismay of many), I am pretty good, a pretty good catch.. and that I do have so much to be thankful for, and my list grows every single day... and I am so thankful for that......
Lunchmeat and Liars
Two things I really dislike, almost hate.. lunchmeat and liars. More specifically I just hate the term lunchmeat.
I was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York. I've lived in PA for 3 years now..I find it strange how a state only an hour and 40 min away can sometimes seem so foreign. Now, don't get me wrong I have been eating lunchmeat for as long as I could chew sandwiches.. however, we call them coldcuts, a word I never questioned. I am not saying that it is such a nice term either, as if analyzed it could almost sound like the cold cut of the animal.. but lunchmeat??? I apologize but it just sounds so unappetizing. Another word that is not used in PA is hero, unless you are referring to a man who leaps tall buildings. If you're from NY you know what a 6ft. hero is. When I first moved here and wanted to find a hero for my son's Communion my friends laughed. "A hero???" "You guys eat heros in NY?" Yep, heard all the jokes. I learned it's a sub, or a hoagie, ok whatever, it really shouldn't matter, but it does.
Boars Head, a brand of COLDCUTS that I have always eaten is almost obsolete out here, except in one Supermarket, I think we had to try everything in the display case to find ham that my kids would eat. As for bologna, OMG never heard of so many different types! My mom attempted to buy bologna for us ..ONCE, it was impossible... who knew that there were so many different types of bologna.. gone were the days of the simple bologna sandwich on white bread. So strange.
Another oddity I found was when someone passes away in NY we go to a Wake. In PA we go to a viewing.. Ok, I know it should be simple to get used to this, but really it isn't.. I hate the word viewing, because as soon as I say it I picture the unfortunate person in the casket, but if I say Wake people look at me funny. So I'm trying to pick up this "new language", it is taking sometime.
As for my accent, well it's still there, yet slowly leaving, word by word... When I first moved here I was asked to say so many words it was ridiculous, yet amusing. I have actually become very self conscious of how I say the word water. I don't think it ever comes out the same way twice now. Also any word with the "or " sound, will always sound Brooklyn, such as order (awder), gorgeous (gawgeous), water(watuh), charger (charguh),. and you know what I like it. I don't want to lose it. My boys have lost theirs. It makes me sad.. They laugh at me now too. If I get annoyed or mad my "accent" comes back, but who wants to stay mad all the time... which brings me to the other thing I really hate.... Liars.
I despise them, hate them. I have met them in all forms, women, men(especially ;)), employers, friends, even children- (although, I don't hold them accountable all the time). Honesty, I am very honest, almost brutally. I wasn't always. I was not a liar , but I did sugarcoat, I feel at my age sugarcoating is over. Tell it like it is, say what you must, maybe try not to be hurtful, but let's face it honesty sometimes hurts even when we don't mean it to. Liars get caught. Even the best of them, even if it's days, months, years later they get caught. Liars make me mean, make me vengeful.. and I think that's why I dislike them. I dislike how I respond to them, how they make me react.
I think the worst lies come from the people we think we like the most, because they are the most hurtful in the end. I 've learned this during my divorce, and now during my dating life.
During my divorce I started with the sugar, and ended with brutal honesty, it was hard but worked better in the end.
Dating, well lying never works. It is sometimes called "changed my mind, was drunk, sent you the wrong text, jumped in to quick, just not ready, my ex wife fucked me up, checking my mail, chef took off so I have to fill in", I could go on, but I think you get the picture . Honesty in dating is hard. You really have to be sure before you open your mouth and make commitments. I consider myself to be very aware of lies, even if I seem not to be. I was a liar, a manipulator, story teller, but not anymore. I find it easier to be honest, it works for me, it has hurt me too but I prefer it in the long run.
This is not to say I have not met some great guys, I have, and I consider myself lucky that I have. I am on a journey, looking for "him" , not the H I M Lady Gaga refers to just the one for me, the one I want to be happy to see.. one that will be honest with me all the time. Maybe even someone who won't be afraid to order me a 6ft hero with Boars Head coldcuts :)
I was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York. I've lived in PA for 3 years now..I find it strange how a state only an hour and 40 min away can sometimes seem so foreign. Now, don't get me wrong I have been eating lunchmeat for as long as I could chew sandwiches.. however, we call them coldcuts, a word I never questioned. I am not saying that it is such a nice term either, as if analyzed it could almost sound like the cold cut of the animal.. but lunchmeat??? I apologize but it just sounds so unappetizing. Another word that is not used in PA is hero, unless you are referring to a man who leaps tall buildings. If you're from NY you know what a 6ft. hero is. When I first moved here and wanted to find a hero for my son's Communion my friends laughed. "A hero???" "You guys eat heros in NY?" Yep, heard all the jokes. I learned it's a sub, or a hoagie, ok whatever, it really shouldn't matter, but it does.
Boars Head, a brand of COLDCUTS that I have always eaten is almost obsolete out here, except in one Supermarket, I think we had to try everything in the display case to find ham that my kids would eat. As for bologna, OMG never heard of so many different types! My mom attempted to buy bologna for us ..ONCE, it was impossible... who knew that there were so many different types of bologna.. gone were the days of the simple bologna sandwich on white bread. So strange.
Another oddity I found was when someone passes away in NY we go to a Wake. In PA we go to a viewing.. Ok, I know it should be simple to get used to this, but really it isn't.. I hate the word viewing, because as soon as I say it I picture the unfortunate person in the casket, but if I say Wake people look at me funny. So I'm trying to pick up this "new language", it is taking sometime.
As for my accent, well it's still there, yet slowly leaving, word by word... When I first moved here I was asked to say so many words it was ridiculous, yet amusing. I have actually become very self conscious of how I say the word water. I don't think it ever comes out the same way twice now. Also any word with the "or " sound, will always sound Brooklyn, such as order (awder), gorgeous (gawgeous), water(watuh), charger (charguh),. and you know what I like it. I don't want to lose it. My boys have lost theirs. It makes me sad.. They laugh at me now too. If I get annoyed or mad my "accent" comes back, but who wants to stay mad all the time... which brings me to the other thing I really hate.... Liars.
I despise them, hate them. I have met them in all forms, women, men(especially ;)), employers, friends, even children- (although, I don't hold them accountable all the time). Honesty, I am very honest, almost brutally. I wasn't always. I was not a liar , but I did sugarcoat, I feel at my age sugarcoating is over. Tell it like it is, say what you must, maybe try not to be hurtful, but let's face it honesty sometimes hurts even when we don't mean it to. Liars get caught. Even the best of them, even if it's days, months, years later they get caught. Liars make me mean, make me vengeful.. and I think that's why I dislike them. I dislike how I respond to them, how they make me react.
I think the worst lies come from the people we think we like the most, because they are the most hurtful in the end. I 've learned this during my divorce, and now during my dating life.
During my divorce I started with the sugar, and ended with brutal honesty, it was hard but worked better in the end.
Dating, well lying never works. It is sometimes called "changed my mind, was drunk, sent you the wrong text, jumped in to quick, just not ready, my ex wife fucked me up, checking my mail, chef took off so I have to fill in", I could go on, but I think you get the picture . Honesty in dating is hard. You really have to be sure before you open your mouth and make commitments. I consider myself to be very aware of lies, even if I seem not to be. I was a liar, a manipulator, story teller, but not anymore. I find it easier to be honest, it works for me, it has hurt me too but I prefer it in the long run.
This is not to say I have not met some great guys, I have, and I consider myself lucky that I have. I am on a journey, looking for "him" , not the H I M Lady Gaga refers to just the one for me, the one I want to be happy to see.. one that will be honest with me all the time. Maybe even someone who won't be afraid to order me a 6ft hero with Boars Head coldcuts :)
Monday, August 1, 2011
Yes, Single Daughter of 3..
In the search for an outlet for everyday annoyances, and happenings, I've decided to try blogging. I don't know how this will go as I am really computer illiterate, but I'm willing to try new things.
Yes, Single daughter of 3.. in short, my parents live in the townehome next door to me. I sometimes feel more like a daughter, friend, enemy, confidant, psychologist to my mom then a mom to my boys. Now, I love my mom, probably more than anyone in the world, but she's my mom, and we all know how that goes. As much as a blessing as it is to have her next door it can also be the devil disguised in shorts, or capris and a tshirt as well.
I am divorced. My mom, well she doesn't or shall I say didn't believe in divorce. I think if she had, I may not have made it to this place, and I'm 41.
I have 3 boys.. my little guy who is going into kgn.. (but has the mind, and smarts of a 20 yr old), my middle guy who is going into 5th grade ( the athletic one, who is total class clown, and as my gf says likes the shock value of things), and my oldest entering 8th grade, going through puberty, and also has the mind, and smarts of a 20 something). All wonderful.. and different.. and shall I say with love of course, time consuming.
Let's not forget the X he lives 5 minutes away.. enuff said.
I teach preschool, little money, a lot of time, a lot of whining.. but jobs right now are few and far between, so I took what I could get for now. So, needless to say I'm on Summer Vacation.. Vacation... HA! I hardly call having to entertain 3 boys, who I think have said "what are we doing today?" everyday since they got off that lovely yellow school bus, a vacation. No, in my head Vacation, is sand, sun, me on a raft in a pool with an umbrella in my drink, and a tan Jacques refilling it right before the last sip.. ahhhh.. yes, Vacation.. at least how I remember it. This is a break.. just a break. Maybe someday my vacation will include a guy, a man, a significant other of the opposite sex?? Maybe I'm hopeful, hopeless, or just NUTS!! Divorces are expensive, mine although simple, cut and dry still was not fun... but ok, I'll remain hopeful.. I have met some nice men... I think. As a side note I give a lot of credit, round of applause, hats off to women who have husbands, and like them even when they're home.
I am not into politics, world news, or any of the sort. This does not make me stupid.. I am aware. I like just being aware. I am aware we as a country are in a financial wreck, but I'm more concerned that I am in a financial wreck. I know enough to get me through, and to keep my boys educated.
I am into Reality TV, maybe that's why reading other people's blogs interests me. Makes me feel better.. well for a little while, of course when comparing myself to Snooki I feel better, except that she went to Europe, and Im still here in PA.
I think my blogs will be random. Simple. An easy read, as I like to say. They will probably jump around a lot, as I am not the most organized of people. I do like lists though, maybe I'll write lists, maybe I won't. I guess that remains to be seen.
Random- As I sit here blogging, journaling, typing, middle guy is screaming "there is no toilet paper in here", as I respond " I know" he wonders why I am not getting it. Well, there has been no toilet paper in the downstairs bathroom since yesterday. I have announced this more than once. I have been using the bathroom in my bedroom where there IS toilet paper. They have all been using this one, and I'd rather not think about what they've been doing for the past 2 days in place of the toilet paper. He is still asking when I'm coming. Well, the answer is simple... I'm not. I am not the only person that lives in this house.. and I guess today someone else is going to have to get the toilet paper. :)
Yes, Single daughter of 3.. in short, my parents live in the townehome next door to me. I sometimes feel more like a daughter, friend, enemy, confidant, psychologist to my mom then a mom to my boys. Now, I love my mom, probably more than anyone in the world, but she's my mom, and we all know how that goes. As much as a blessing as it is to have her next door it can also be the devil disguised in shorts, or capris and a tshirt as well.
I am divorced. My mom, well she doesn't or shall I say didn't believe in divorce. I think if she had, I may not have made it to this place, and I'm 41.
I have 3 boys.. my little guy who is going into kgn.. (but has the mind, and smarts of a 20 yr old), my middle guy who is going into 5th grade ( the athletic one, who is total class clown, and as my gf says likes the shock value of things), and my oldest entering 8th grade, going through puberty, and also has the mind, and smarts of a 20 something). All wonderful.. and different.. and shall I say with love of course, time consuming.
Let's not forget the X he lives 5 minutes away.. enuff said.
I teach preschool, little money, a lot of time, a lot of whining.. but jobs right now are few and far between, so I took what I could get for now. So, needless to say I'm on Summer Vacation.. Vacation... HA! I hardly call having to entertain 3 boys, who I think have said "what are we doing today?" everyday since they got off that lovely yellow school bus, a vacation. No, in my head Vacation, is sand, sun, me on a raft in a pool with an umbrella in my drink, and a tan Jacques refilling it right before the last sip.. ahhhh.. yes, Vacation.. at least how I remember it. This is a break.. just a break. Maybe someday my vacation will include a guy, a man, a significant other of the opposite sex?? Maybe I'm hopeful, hopeless, or just NUTS!! Divorces are expensive, mine although simple, cut and dry still was not fun... but ok, I'll remain hopeful.. I have met some nice men... I think. As a side note I give a lot of credit, round of applause, hats off to women who have husbands, and like them even when they're home.
I am not into politics, world news, or any of the sort. This does not make me stupid.. I am aware. I like just being aware. I am aware we as a country are in a financial wreck, but I'm more concerned that I am in a financial wreck. I know enough to get me through, and to keep my boys educated.
I am into Reality TV, maybe that's why reading other people's blogs interests me. Makes me feel better.. well for a little while, of course when comparing myself to Snooki I feel better, except that she went to Europe, and Im still here in PA.
I think my blogs will be random. Simple. An easy read, as I like to say. They will probably jump around a lot, as I am not the most organized of people. I do like lists though, maybe I'll write lists, maybe I won't. I guess that remains to be seen.
Random- As I sit here blogging, journaling, typing, middle guy is screaming "there is no toilet paper in here", as I respond " I know" he wonders why I am not getting it. Well, there has been no toilet paper in the downstairs bathroom since yesterday. I have announced this more than once. I have been using the bathroom in my bedroom where there IS toilet paper. They have all been using this one, and I'd rather not think about what they've been doing for the past 2 days in place of the toilet paper. He is still asking when I'm coming. Well, the answer is simple... I'm not. I am not the only person that lives in this house.. and I guess today someone else is going to have to get the toilet paper. :)
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